The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily. “Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.” The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late. “Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.” The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily. “Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but…” “Let me guess,” the General interrupted, “it broke down.” “No,” said the G.I., “there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.”
Author: admin
Una pareja se conoce en
Una pareja se conoce en una discoteca. Al cabo de un rato el hombre propone:
“�Qu� te parece si jugamos al mago?”
“�Y c�mo es eso?”
“Yo te echo unos polvos y… �Desapareces!”
The alcohol trouble
During grammar school science experiements into properties of different alcohols:The residue of each test was tipped down the sinks, which were grouped in threes. There were no U-bends, but each group of sinks emptied into a single box, which overflowed into the mains sewers. Presumably this was intended to retain things like droplets of mercury, which was not banned from use when I was 16.During the session, my bunsen went out, so I re-lit it with a splint lit from the teacher’s bunsen. For safety’s sake (!) I dropped the burning splint into the sink, intending to extinguish it with water, instead of waving it around in the alcohol fumes. A small blue flame disappeared down the plughole. Hum, thinks I, I wonder where that’s going?I opened the cupboard ‘neath the sink, only to find the drain box, full of alcohol, a roaring mass of flame. Shutting the doors, I called out, “Er, Sir…” just as the inch-thick wooden lids blew off the adjacent un-used sinks. Fortunately, the back-blast extinguished the flames under the cupboard, so the box only sagged slightly!
The 11th commandment
Last week a very important meeting took place among God, the Pope and Moses.
They were troubled because the President of the United States was behaving in an
inappropriate manner. They decided that the only course of action left was to
create an 11th Commandment. This was the only way that they could think off to
get their message across. Now only one problem remained. How do you word this
new commandment so that it matched the other commandments in style & holy
inspiration?
After great meditation & discussion, they concluded: “Thou shalt not comfort
thy rod with thy staff.”
Pain Relief
A man walks in for a sale rep job. He is very qualitfied, but he has a nervous twitch, and his left eye is always winking.
So he speaks with the manager and the manager says, “Well sir, you are very well qualified for the job, but people have to be comfortable around a sales rep. and that eye thing is really freaky.”
The man smiles and says,”Oh that, I just take some Tylenol and it goes away.” So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a condom, he takes several more condoms out and finally finds some Tylenol. He takes two Tylenol and the eye twitch goes away.
The manager frowns, “Sir, I’m sorry but our company does not like womanizers. I don’t like the look of all those condoms.”
The man chuckles, “Oh, I’m no womanizer… but do you know how hard it is to buy Tylenol at a drug store with your eye contantly winking?”
George W., Al Gore, and Jesus
Jesus is on one side of the Jordan River while Al Gore and
George Bush are on the other side. George Bush says “Jesus,how
can we get to the other side so we can praise you?” and Jesus
replys “Walk across the river and you will only sink as far as
the sins you have committed.” So George Bush walks across the
river and the water comes up to his knee. Then Al Gore walks
across and the water only comes up to his ankles. George Bush
says “How come the water only comes up to his ankles?” Jesus
says “Don’t worry, he’s standing on Bill Clinton’s shoulders”
Differences Under President Cindy Crawford
16. War on Drugs joined by War on Dull, Lifeless Hair.
15. President’s residence now repainted and known as the “Teal House” from Labor Day to Memorial Day.
14. Even with a Cabinet *full* of Baldwins, still can’t get anyone to watch the State of the Union address.
13. Paula Jones’s sexual harassment lawsuit gets a LOT more coverage.
12. Her 10-point “Compact with America” bill will ensure that every citizen is entitled to a non-shiny forehead.
11. Russia’s deficits soar as Boris Yeltsin outbids the Chinese for a year lease on the Lincoln Bedroom.
10. “Having a bad hair day” is a viable murder defense.
9. National meal for Thanksgiving changed from turkey and dressing to parakeet and croutons.
8. “The Mole” no longer refers to a Soviet spy.
7. Independent Counsel repeatedly focuses investigations on the President’s dirty laundry.
6. Bill Clinton now sneaking *in* to White House at 4 a.m.
5. At start of joint session addresses, sergeant-at-arms now barks “Mr. Speaker, the President of the United States! In a lovely chiffon gown with baby-doll neckline, accented with a breathtaking diamond solitaire pendant!”
4. Mr. Blackwell becomes FBI director; “worst dressed” lists start popping up in post offices nationwide.
3. Typical state dinner menu: celery, a rice cake, and Tab.
2. Citizens finally stop complaining about ridiculously short jogging shorts.
1. Sudden declaration of war on Germany and England eerily coincides with her catfight with Claudia and Naomi.
Boiled Egg
Q. What did the egg say after he was put in a pot of boiling water?
A. I just got laid and now I’m getting hard!?!?
A BBS Commandment
23. Thou shalt not exchange copy protected software thru the BBS.
Pickle Slicer
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confessed to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he’d be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen.
His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. “What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked.
“Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, Bill, you didn’t.”
“Yes, I did.”
“My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”
“No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, she got fired too.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
“Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.”
Maryon Pearson
Embarrassing Moment
A young businessman had just started his own firm.
He’d rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”
The man said, “Sure, I’ve come to install the phone!”