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How Dogs and Women Are Alike
Both look stupid in hats.
Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
Both tend to have “hip” problems.
Neither understands football.
Both look good in a fur coat.
Both are good at pretending that they’re listening to every word you say.
Neither believes that silence is golden.
Both constantly want back rubs.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
Both put too much value on kissing.
If you yelled for 8 years,7 months and 6 days you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas
is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that’s more like it)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the
body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(Oh my God…!)
A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it
starves to death.
(Creepy.) (I’m still not over the pig)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home .. maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the
male’s head off.
(“Honey, I’m home. What the….”)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human
jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes…can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life … quality over
quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm……..)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people do.
(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing….)
A cat’s urine glows under a blacklight.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(Who knew…? Who cares! )
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.
(What about the pig?)
Knock KnockWho’s there?Thumpin!Thumping who?Thumping green and slimy is climbing up your back!
I did not do it in a car
I did not do it in a bar
I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park
I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate
I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants
I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face
I never did it in a bed
If you think that, you’ve been misled
I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone
I did not cause her dress to stain
I never boinked Saddam Hussein
I did not do it with a whip
I never fondled Linda Tripp
I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey
There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her ’round, but could not catch her
No kinky stuff, not on your life
I wouldn’t, even with my wife
And Gennifer Flowers’ tale of woes
Was paid for by my right-wing foes
And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers
I did not ask my friends to lie
I did not hang them out to dry
I did not do it last November
But if I did, I don’t remember
I did not do it in the hall
I could have, but I don’t recall
I never did it in my study
I never did it with my dog, Buddy
I never did it to Sox, the cat
I might have-once-with Arafat
I never did it in a hurry
I never groped Ms. Betty Currie
There was no sex at Arlington
There was no sex on Air Force One
I might have copped a little feel
And then endeavored to conceal
But never did these things so lewd
At least, not ever in the nude
These things to which I have confessed
They do not count, if we stayed dressed
It never happened with cigar
I never dated Mrs. Starr
I did not know this little sin
Would be retold on CNN
I broke some rules my Mama taught me
I tried to hide, but now you’ve caught me
But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, do not impeach
I might have got a little tail
But never, never did inhale
Computer scientists do it using I/O devices.
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?A: Two–One to promise he’ll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.
will you remeber me tomorrow?
will you remeber me next week?
will you remeber me next month?
will you remeber me next year?
knock knock (whos there) see you forgot me already.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun Jill forgot to take her pill and now they have a son
If we weren’t meant to juggle, tennis balls wouldn’t come three to a can.
Q. What’s the difference between a woman with pms and a rottweiler?
A. Lipstick.
“What am I supposed to do with this?” grumbled the motorist as the police clerk handed him a receipt for his traffic fine.”Keep it,” the clerk advised.”When you get four of them, you get a bicycle.”
Once upon a time there was this lady and she was white. She liked black people!
She liked their churches and their music! Most of all she liked their clothes.
So one day she decides she is going to dress up like a black person and paint herself black.
She gets all dressed up and goes to church. When she was at church this little black kid came up to her flipped up her dress.
He started singing, “Lordy, lordy bless my soul, never seen a nigga wit a white ass hole!”
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis