Anything that doesn’t eat you today is saving you for tomorrow.
Author: admin
Life is Backwards
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. Life is
tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the
end of it? A death.
What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an
old age home.
You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch,
you go to work.
You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your
retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for
high school.
You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no
responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the
womb, spend your last nine months floating…then finish off as
an orgasm.
A Daughter’s Letter Home
Dear Mom and Dad,
It has been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down, okay?
Well, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and I now can see almost normally and I only get those sick headaches once a week.
Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump was witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It’s really a basement room, but it’s kind of cute.
He is a very fine boy and we have falled deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven’t exactly set the date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me as a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boy friend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am taking daily.
I know you will welcome him into the family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, has ambitions. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know oft-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too, for I hear that his father is an important gun-bearer in the village in Africa from which he comes.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire. I do not have a concussion or a skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis and there is no colored man in my life.
However, I am getting a ‘D’ in history and an ‘F’ in science class and I wanted you to see these marks in their proper perspective.
Your loving daughter,
Trish
The Top 12 Articles in “Girl Scout Cosmopolitan” (Part I)
12. The New “Tripp” Badge: Tips on Taping Your Friends’ Phone Calls
11. Den Mothers Who Spank — and the Scouts Who Like It!
10. The 5 Warning Signs of Cooties
9. Love Across The Lake: Am I Just Another Badge On His Sash?
8. Good Girls Get Badges, Bad Girls Get Mink
7. Oxy-*50*? It’s closer than you think!
6. The Cookie Makeover: Thinner Mints in 7 Days
5. Real-Life Adventures: “I Slipped the Tongue to a Really Cute Guy While Giving Him CPR”
4. How To Tell If Your Scoutmaster Watches “Ellen”
3. Give Him S’More: Make-out Tips That’d Make Your Troop Leader Blush!
2. I Was a 78-lb Tub of Lard
1. Locating Your “Gee, I’ll Sell Cookies Here” Spot
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]Virus Warning
There is a new virus going around, called ‘work’. If you receive any sort of
‘work’ at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a
colleague…DO NOT OPEN IT.
Work has been circulating around our building for months and those who have
been tempted to open ‘work’ or even look at ‘work’ have found that their social
life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter ‘work’ via email or are faced with any ‘work’ at all, then
to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words ‘Sorry…I’m off
to the pub’. The ‘work’ should automatically be deleted from your brain.
If you receive ‘work’ in paper-document form, simply lift the document and
drag the ‘work’ to your garbage can. Put on your coat and skip to the nearest
bar with two friends and order three pints of beer.
After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that ‘work’ will no longer
be of any relevance to you.
Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do not have anyone
in your address book, then I’m afraid the ‘work’ virus has already corrupted
your life.
Yo mama is so stupid
Yo mama so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put “O.K.”
Yo momma so fat
yo mamma so fat,that when she sits down she is 3ft. taller
Redneck Cowboy
A redneck cowboy rides into town on a hot blistering day riding his horse with his dog following. He ties his horse and dog under the shade of a tree and goes into the bar for a cold beer. About twenty minutes later a policeman comes in and asks who owns the dog tied under the tree. The redneck cowboy tells him that its his. The policeman says, “Your dog is in heat.”The redneck cowboy answers, “No way the dog’s in heat; he’s cool cause he’s tied under the shade of the tree.”The policeman says, “No! you don’t understand, your dog needs to be bred.”The redneck sowboy shakes his head and says, “No way dog needs bread, he’s not hungry, I gave him beef jerky this morning.”The policeman finally gets mad and says, “Look, your dog wants to have sex.”The redneck cowboy looks at him and says, “Go ahead; I always wanted a policedog!”
Make that lawer dance
You and your lawyer have just lost your case and you have just been convited of an armed robbery and got ten years. The gaurd is taking you away. Before you get there you grab the gaurds gun and run. You look in the chamber and notice you have only one bullet. When you’ve excaped into the parking lot you notice your lawyer and two gaurds. Who do you shoot?
(THE LAWYER!)
Coffe maker
An engineer, a chemist and a mathematician are staying in three adjoining
cabins at an old motel. First the engineer’s coffee maker catches fire. He
smells the smoke, wakes up, unplugs the coffee maker, throws it out the window,
and goes back to sleep.
Later that night the chemist smells smoke too. He wakes up and sees that a
cigarette butt has set the trash can on fire. He says to himself, “Hmm. How does
one put out a fire? One can reduce the temperature of the fuel below the flash
point; isolate the burning material from oxygen, or both. This could be
accomplished by applying water.” So he picks up the trash can, puts it in the
shower stall, turns on the water, and, when the fire is out, goes back to sleep.
The mathematician, of course, has been watching all this out the window. So
later, when he finds that his pipe ashes have set the bed sheet on fire, he is
not in the least taken aback. He says: “Aha! A solution exists!” and goes back
to sleep.
How about a blow job
A guy walks into a bar already somewhat tipsy. He walks over to the nearest girl and says, “Hey, how ’bout a blowjob?” She smashes him over the head with her purse. He looks up, dazed, from the floor and says, “Well, I guess a fuck’s out of the question.”
Yugo vs. Rolls Royce
A guy buys a new Rolls Royce, and is driving it home. He stops at a red light about two blocks from his house when a crapy looking Yugo pulls up next to him. The guy in the Yugo sticks his head out of the window and yells out “Hey thats a sweet lookin car!”
The guy driving the Rolls, rolls down the window and shows a proud smile. The Yugo guy screams out “Did it come with a tv like my Yugo?” The Rolls guy, kind of flustered that his luxury car didnt have a tv, made a U-Turn and drove back to the dealership and made them install the grandest $5000 tv they had. A few days later, the Rolls driver is waiting at a stop sign when the Yugo guy drives up next to him. The Rolls guy starts bragging about the new $5000 20″ tv in his car. The yugo guy inquires with a smile, if the Rolls came with leather heated seats like his Yugo. The Rolls guy, mad at the fact that his car didnt, drives back to the dealership and makes them install the finest seats $10,000 can buy.
The Rolls guy drives out of the dealership and sees the Yugo guy waking down the street, so he starts bragging about the comfortable seats.
The Yugo guy quickly inquires whether the Rolls came with a fridge.
The rolls guy, really pissed off now, screams out “My Rolls Royce is better than your Yugo anyday,who the hell do you think you are?!”
The Yugo guy calmly replies….
“The owner of the Rolls Royce dealership…”