Q: how do you keep a blond at HomeA: build a circular drive way!!!!!!!!
Author: admin
Mommas Tits
Your Momma is so old i slaped her back and her tits fell of
The Top 15 Reasons You Won’t Be Participating in the Summer Olympics
15> Your mastery of the parallel bars doesn’t include the ability to escape from behind them.14> The IOC still hasn’t forgiven you for what you did in the pool at the last Olympics.13> Launching Chee-tos from your nostrils for distance, while impressive, is not considered an Olympic event outside of Arkansas.12> Fitting your gigantic ass into one of those teeny little gymnastics leotards? Impossibly high degree of difficulty.11> Your “mixed doubles” floor exercise wasn’t quite what the IOC had in mind.10> Although you’ve mastered the forward flip from the garage roof onto a burning table of fluorescent bulbs, you’re pretty sure the 10-meter platform officials will insist on water landings.9> The kind of fencing you specialize in gets you a one-way ticket to Attica, not Athens.8> Other training programs: 10 percent inspiration, 90 percent perspiration. *Your* training program: 10 percent perspiration, 90 percent prescription.7> Your unique routine was a big crowd-pleaser at the synchronized swimming trials, but somehow the judges weren’t impressed by the “golden fountain” finale.6> Your damn seeing-eye dog keeps fetching the javelin and bringing it back to you.5> You can’t even climb out of the pool without Greenpeace guys showing up to push you back in.4> You have as much chance of passing the drug test as Snoop Dogg after a weekend at Tommy Chong’s.3> USOC officials were actually going along with your “compete in the nude to honor the ancient Greeks” idea until that ugly baton-passing incident.2> Sure, you excel at the shot put, but only the shot-put-in-front-of-you-by-the-bartender.1> Apparently, some crusading puritan bastard slipped crystal meth onto the list of banned substances. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
Bad to the Bone
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of their tales begins:
The first says, “I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, with my bare hands.”
The second can’t stand to be outdone. “Why that’s nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I’m still here today.”
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis….
Ways to add confusion to dining halls
by Robert ChenYou should not attempt any these things. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.31. Switch the label on skim milk with the one on whole milk.32. Yell to someone walking by, “I’ll take two hot dogs, and my son will have some peanuts.”33. After getting all your food, sit down. Start arranging your food alphabetically, from left to right. Ask the person next to you whether you should put orange juice under “o” or “j.”34. Bring in a television and VCR. Set it up to play “Faces of Death.” Eat avidly as you describe each screen to everyone. Embellish. Don’t be afraid to speak while your mouth is full.35. Get a large container and fill it with milk. Pour its contents into the cereal dispenser. Dispense cereal. Complain about how you always get too much milk.36. Go up to someone you don’t know and say, “Can I toast your buns?”37. Talk to your food. Tell it to quit complaining or else you’ll chew more.38. Find and remove all the green Froot Loops from the cereal dispenser. Then announce to everyone that you’re charging a nickel for each green Froot Loop. If they refuse, tell them that they’re not real Froot Loop eaters.39. Stand where everyone empties their trays. Offer to eat everything unfinished.40. “Pass the pepper and salt, please.”
topless models
Justin Turner, representing Elite & Premier Ltd, outlining his client’s case for an injunction said, “The agency represents many models who are household names such as Claudia Schiffer, Naomi Cambell and Linda Evangelista. I don’t know if your Lordship is familiar with these models?””Do I need to be?”replied the judge.”I don’t think so,” said Mr. Turner, perhaps wisely. Mr Justice Harman was perplexed by the use of the word ‘topless’ in discussing glamour modelling.”It means precisely the opposite,” he was told. This misuse of the word is, the judge said, is “remarkable – as if they had been cut off at the waist which is exactly what they do not mean”.”If you cut the top off, it wouldn’t be very interesting – what’s more they would be dead. It’s clearly an abuse of language by the tabloids,” he said. Peter Victor, The Independent, Friday Nov 15th 1996
Fifty ways to leave Your Lover
Until now, we’ve had to take the other forty-five ways on faith, and leave it as one of the great unanswered questions in pop music, along with: “Why do fools fall in love?,” “How can you have you have any pudding if you don’t eat your meat?,” and the eternal “Who’s Johnny?”
The wait is over. After much investigation, here are The Other Forty-Five— Let’s remember the five “ways” Paul already gave us:
(1) Slip out the back, Jack
(2) Make a new plan, Stan
(3) You don’t need to be coy, Roy
(4) Hop on the bus, Gus
(5) Drop off the key, Lee
Now, the rest:
(6) Hop on your cycle, Michael
(7) Flag down a cabbie, Abby
(8) Ride off in your Porsche, Portia
(9) Ask to be free more, Seymour
(10) Say you need space, Grace
(11) Send a facsimile, Emily
(12) Send her Paris, Harris
(13) Put her on the spot, Scott
(14) Mention your spouse, Klaus
(15) Tell her you’re gay, Ray
(16) Tell her you’re straight, Kate
(17) Take back the diamond, Simon
(18) Give the ususal spiel, Neil
(19) Wish him death, Beth
(20) Call her a very bad name to call a woman, Rich
(21) Hire a hit man, Rip van
(22) Just be yourself, Dick
(23) Throw her off a bridge, Etheridge
(24) Sweep her under a rug, Doug
(25) Give him salmonella, Priscilla
(26) Fit her for concrete pants, Lance
(27) Hire a hit man, Rip van
(28) Toss her in the bay, Dre
(29) Give her the scoop, Snoop
(30) Bury her under the floorboards, Edgar
(31) Make him fret, Juliet
(32) Kick him in the spleen, Nadine
(33) Tell her you just chillin’, Dylan
(34) Mention your V.D., Edie
(35) Use your auto, Otto
(36) Give her “Boo, hisses!,” Ulysses
(37) Be open & honest to her about how, although you love her, you think you need some time apart to grow and find out how you really feel, Shaquille{whew long breath…}
(38) Maybe a Winchester, Esther?{ist choice..}
(39) Let it get all messy, Jessie
(40) Kick him in the melon, Helen{lower..Helen}
(41) Hop on a plane, Jane{IN jane..I-N}
(42) Give two weeks notice, Otis
(43) Start wearing a skirt, Bert
(44) Strap yer hands ‘cross my engines, Wendy{pant}
(45) Move to Uganda, Wanda
Doing a good job around
Doing a good job around here is like wetting your pants in a dark suit; you get a warm feeling, but nobody notices.
Est�n dos mexicanos tomando y
Est�n dos mexicanos tomando y uno le dice al otro:
“�Que viva la Menstruaci�n!
“Compadre, querr� decir: �Que viva la Revoluci�n!”
“Es lo mismo, �lo importante es que corra sangre!”
The Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinsky & Ted Kaczyn
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
‘Twas “Hail to the Chief”
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
——————————————————————————–
Said
Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.
——————————————————————————–
Lewinsky
and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
Given the choice to be blown.
——————————————————————————–
There
was a young girl called Lewinsky,
Who caused as much stir as Kaczynski
When on Kenneth Starr’s lap
She confided, when trapped,
“Bill Clinton is hung like Nijinsky.” * (*Nijinsky is a thoroughbred racehorse
not to be confused with the ballet dancer.)
Knock Knock 110
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Ketchup!
Ketchup who?
Ketchup the tree again!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Kevin!
Kevin who?
Kevin we go out and play?!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Khomeini!
Khomeini who?
Khomeini old time for dinner!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Kim!
Kim who?
Kim too late!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Kipper!
Kipper who?
Kipper hands to yourself!
Yo mama so fat…
Yo mama so fat she uses I-95 as a slip and slide on rainy days.