Author: admin

Homilies to live by

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1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.

2. Some people are like Slinkies…not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”

4. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

5. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

6. In the 60’s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

7. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

8. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? (And I can’t get anything happening in my hibachi without gasoline.)

Charging Hubbie for

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A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband.”Don’t you love him anymore?” asked the lawyer.”Oh, I still love him,” the chick replied.”But all he ever wants is sex, I can’t take it.” “Instead of divorcing him why don’t you try charging him every time he wants to make love?” the lawyer suggested. The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try. As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put the hard word on her.”Not so fast,” she replied.”From now on it’ll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom.” “Well, then,” he said.”Here’s $50.” The wife began walking to the bedroom. “Hold on,” he said, grabbing her hand.”That’ll be five times in the kitchen!”

Three Dead Guys

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Thre guys were asked a question. If you were in your grave and
everyone is looking down at you what do you want them to say?

The first guy said, “I would like them to say that he was a good
doctor!”

Second guy said, “I would like them to say thathe was the best
person alive!”

The last guy said, “I would like them to say that he is moving!”

Bright Bouncer

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A long, long, time ago, when I was 19 or 20, I went to a bar with an older friend. The guy at the door asked for my ID. I gave him my driver’s license, which of course had my date of birth printed on it.

He looked at it and said, “You have to be 21 to get in here.”

I replied, “That ID is a few years old.”

He looked at it again for a moment, then said, “Oh, OK” and let me in.

Problems With Getting Old

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Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80-year-old said,”The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for 20 minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again.”

The 85-year-old said, “The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it’s still a problem.”

Then the 90-year-old said, “That’s not my problem. Every morning at 6 a.m. sharp, I have a good long pee. At 6:30 a.m. sharp, I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7 a.m.”

Cuckoo clock

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Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with the boys. I told the missus that I would be home by midnight. . . I promise!

Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy and at around 3 am, full as a boot, I went home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started and cuckooed three times.

Quickly I realized she’d probably wake up, so I cuckooed another nine times and was really proud of myself for having the quick-wittedness, even when pissed, to escape a possible conflict.

Next morning the missus asked me what time I got in and I told her midnight.

Whew, got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.

When I asked her why, she said,
‘Well, at 3 am this morning, it cuckooed three times, paused, said bollocks, Cuckooed another four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, paused, cleared its throat and cuckooed twice, then giggled for over three minutes.’

‘I think it’s stuffed, don’t you?’

2x as much

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There was a girl who found a bottle, it was dusty so she rubbed it and a genie came out saying, u have 3 wishes, but whatever u wish for, i get 2x as much.
so she said ok

i want a million dollars, so she got a million and the genie got doubled that

then she said a mustang, then the genie got 2 mustangs, she was mad so she said “beat me half to death”.

The Florida State Department of

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The Florida State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers,
hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for
alligators while in Osceola, Polk, Manatee, Orange and Dade Counties.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on
their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly.

They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with
an alligator.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity.

People should recognize the difference between small young alligator and
large adult alligator droppings.

Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly
bird feathers.

Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper
spray.