New Baby

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

“Hit him again,” the child said. “He shouldn’t have crawled up there in the first place!!”

Pharmacy

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

He asks, “What for?”

She responds, “I want to kill my husband.”

He says, “Sorry, I can’t do that.”

She then reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

He says, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription…”

Submitted by Admin
Edited by Cirtis

Haven’t heard a word

During a sermon one Sunday, the pastor heard two teenage girls in the back giggling and disturbing people.

He interrupted his sermon and announced sternly, “There are two of you here who have not heard a word I’ve said.” That quieted them down.

When the service was over, he went to greet people at the front door. Three different adults apologized for going to sleep in church, promising it would never happen again.

TOP 10 Viagra Slogans

Following are the top ten marketing slogans being considered for Viagra:

10. Viagra, The quicker dicker upper
9. Viagra, One-a-day, like iron
8. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight
7. Viagra, Home of the whopper
6. Viagra, It plumps when you take ’em
5. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
4. Viagra, Tastes great, more filling
3. Viagra, Ten inches long… and growing.
2. Viagra, We work harder, so you don’t have to

… and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:
1. This is your schlong. This is your schlong on Viagra. Any questions?

One Liners

1. Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
2. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
3. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
4. I used up all my sick days so I’m calling in dead.
5. There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
6. I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
7. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
8. If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
9. If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
10. If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.
11. Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
12. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
13. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
14. My software never has bugs; it just develops random features.
15. C:DOS C:DOSRUN RUNDOSRUN
16. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

The Penis Experiment

Jack goes to the doctor and says “Doc, I’m having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?”

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, “Well, the problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There’s really nothing I can do for you unless you’re willing to try an experimental treatment.”

Jack asks sadly, “And that would be?”

“Well,” the Doctor explains, “what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis.”

Jack thinks about it silently then says, “Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let’s go for it.”

Jack went under the knife, and, after a period of recovery and healing, returned to the Doc for his blessing. Following the examination, the Doc pronounced Jack, “Healed and ready for action.”

Eager to use his experimentally enhanced equipment, Jack planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town, anticipating a happy conclusion to the evening.

In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful.

To release the pressure, Jack placed his napkin on his lap and unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, flipped the napkin on the floor, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his pants!

His girlfriend was stunned at first but then, imagining the possibilities, said with a sly smile and a gleam in her eye, “That was incredible! Can you do it again?”

Jack groaned, “Probably, but I don’t think I can fit another roll in my ass.”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis