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Nose Picking Glossary

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THE KIDDIE PICK…When you’re by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there’s no time limit!

CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK…When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.

FAKE NOSE SCRATCH…When you make believe you’ve got an itch but you’re really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.

MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT…You do it so furiously, and for so long, you’re probably entitled to dessert.

SURPRISE PICKINGS…When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.

AUTO PICK…The kind you do in a car, when no one’s looking.

PICK YOUR BRAINS…Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.

PICK AND SAVE…When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don’t catch on to what you did.

PICK AND ROLL…No explanation needed.

PICK AND FLICK…Ditto.

PICK AND STICK…You wanted it to be a “Pick and Flick,” but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.

PAY DIRT…The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.

The NEW Microsoft Keyboard

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Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed specifically for Windows. {Sources say a Macintosh variant is in the works.} In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard, Microsoft’s new design adds several new keys which will make your Windows computing even more fun! The final specs are not yet set, so please feel free to make suggestions. The keys proposed so far are:

1) GPF key — This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.

2) $$ key — When this key is pressed, money is transferred automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for further action or third party intervention.

3) ZD key — This key was developed specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows within the file being edited.

4) MS key — This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled “Computing for Mindless Drones” in a 1″ x 1″ window.

5) FUD key — Some thing to do with the display … self explanatory.

6) Chicago key — Generates do nothing loops for months at a time.

7) IBM key — Searches your hard disk for operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them. (Is very effective at removing Netscape).

8) MSN Key — With a single keystroke you will install and setup the world’s second slowest web access (AOL takes first place). And you thought it was tough deleting all of the SetupMSN files from Win 95!

9) RW95 Key — Stands for Re-install Windows 95. Because it’s usually a weekly ritual for most Win 95 users, why not make it easier?

10) FDISK Key — Microsoft’s new compression utility gives you 100% data compression guaranteed. Could stand for Format Disk, but we all know what it really stands for.

Top10 Rules for dating my daughter.

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Rule One
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:
You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Genie in a bottle

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A blonde woman and her mother-in-law were among a group of women playing ball in the woods during a family reunion. They eventually lose the ball, so the daughter-in-law goes into the woods to find the ball they lost. While searching, she came across an oil lamp, and upon rubbing it, there appeared a genie.

The genie said, “Because you let me out of my lamp, I’ll grant you 3 wishes, though your mother-in-law whom you despise will benefit tenfold in order to keep you focused on what is truly important in life. The only way you can be truly happy is to give even greater happiness to the ones you do not like.”

He asked, “What is your first wish?”

She replied that she wanted to be the prettiest woman on earth. The genie replied that he would gladly grant her wish but that her mother-in-law will be 10 times more beautiful.

He asked, “What is your second wish?”

She asked to be the richest woman on earth. The genie said, “Okay but your mother-in-law will be 10 times richer.”

He asked, “And what is your third wish?”

She replied, “I’d like to have a mild heart attack.”

200 Midgets

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The flight was coming into Dallas when a combination of mechanical errors and unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the ground! The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally, the engines roared back to life in time to prevent the plane from going splat on the ground!As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate and were stunned to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane. Finally the crew got off the plane and the local manager of the airline came up to congratulate him on his perseverance under extreme odds. As the official and the pilot were talking, the official commented how unusual it was that there were so many midgets on the flight.”Those weren’t midgets,” the pilot replied. Those were Texans with all the shit scared out of them!”

Noah’s Ark Today

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And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, “In six months I’m going to make it
rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people
are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind
of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark.” And
in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

“Okay,” said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord
saw that there was no Ark.

“Noah,” shouted the Lord, “Where is the Ark?”

“Lord, please forgive me!” begged Noah. “I did my best. But there were big
problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction
project, and your plans didn’t meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to
redraw the plans.”

“Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire
sprinkler system. “

“Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building
the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
planning commission.”

“Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a
ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince the U.S.
Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn’t
let me catch any owls. So, no owls.”

“The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate
a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would
pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat,
and still no owls.”

“Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn’t
complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your
proposed flood. They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they had no
jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.”

“Then the Army Corp of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood
plain. I sent them a globe. The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I’m
trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country.”

“I really don’t think I can finish the Ark for at least another five
years,” The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched
across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.

“You mean you’re not going to destroy the earth?” Noah asked hopefully.

“No,” said the Lord sadly. “The government already has.”

Estaban todos los Ap�stoles reunidos

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Estaban todos los Ap�stoles reunidos en el cielo, porque el jefe los hab�a mandado llamar. Llega �l y les dice:

“La Tierra est� de lo peor, todo el mundo se droga. Todos ser�n enviados a la tierra y me van a traer muestras de todas las drogas posibles para hacer un estudio.”

Al rato tocan las puertas del cielo y dice San Pedro:

“�Qui�n es?”

“Soy Pablo y traigo coca�na de M�xico.”

Al rato vuelven a tocar.

“�Qui�n es?”

“Jos� y traigo marihuana de Colombia.”

M�s tarde.

“�Qui�n es?”

“Lucas y traigo crack de USA.”

Entonces vuelven a tocar.

“�Qui�n es?”

“Judas.”

“�Qu� traes?”

“�A la DEA (Agencia Antidrogas) cabrones, todos contra la pared!”