To his credit, Clinton is now defending Monica Lewinsky, saying she was no
different from any other White House intern.
He said, “She takes my pants off one leg at a time, just like everyone else.”
Author: admin
Proof of it's Ex
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.”Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: “What chair?”
Computer prices
A woman was shopping in a computer discount store. She was looking for a bargain in a sub-300 MHZ model. A salesman walked over and she asked why the obsolete models were all so expensive. He replied, ”Well, all of those models are very scarce Miss, you’re lucky we even have any in stock.” ”Scarce?” she said, her voice rising. ”Why just today the paper says all of the manufacturers have an overstock.” ”Exactly right.” the salesman smiled. ”There’s such a big supply and so little demand, it doesn’t pay to ship them.”
Talk Show Titles
Sally: My daughter’s a cross dresser, let’s talk about it
Jenny: My daughter’s a cross dresser, is she better than me?
Jerry: My daughter’s a cross dresser, let’s kick her ass
Sally: Blind dates: I need someone sensitive
Jenny: Blind dates: I need someone with a good body
Jerry: Blind dates: I need someone who can kick ass!
Sally: Teens who dress too sexy, are they feeling angry?
Jenny: Teens who dress too sexy, are they really sexy?
Jerry: Teens who dress too sexy, and can kick ass!
Sally: Is my man cheating to get money for my sick mother?
Jenny: Is my man cheating cause I don’t dress good enough?
Jerry: Is my man cheating? I’ll kick his ass!
Sally: My summer: How I got emotionaly damaged
Jenny: My summer: How I got a boob job
Jerry: My summer: How I got to kick ass!
Sally: My parents don’t understand each other, please talk to
them
Jenny: My parents don’t understand each other, make them sexy
Jerry: My parents don’t understand each other, kick their asses
Sally: I’m afraid of letting my feelings out
Jenny: I’m afraid I’m not sexy enough
Jerry: I’m afraid I’ll get my ass kicked
Sally: Bad influences: What’s your child talking about at school?
Jenny: Bad influences: Did you hire a sexy babysitter?
Jerry: Bad influences: Do you kick his ass too much?
Sally: Fashion spree: Look more intelligent
Jenny: Look more sexy
Jerry: Look more ‘I’m gonna kick your ass’
Sally: Change your child’s attitude
Jenny: Change your child’s looks
Jerry: Kick your child’s ass
Sally: Long lost nerd: reunite with people from your class and
show ’em the new you
Jenny: Long lost nerd: reunite with people from your class and
show ’em how sexy you’ve become
Jerry: Long lost nerd: reunite with people from your class and
kick their ass! Don’t take that!
Driving
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house
with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around
for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked
where I lived. I said, “right here, officer”. Later, I parked it
on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, “Get out of
my driveway!
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don’t really
notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I
hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.
I had to stop driving my car for a while…the tires got dizzy.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park
anywhere near the place.
I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I saw a sign: “Rest Area 25 Miles”. That’s pretty big. Some
people must be really tired.
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, “Why were you going so
fast?” I said, “See this thing my foot is on? It’s called an
accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the
engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing?
This steers it.”
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said,
“Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?” “Yes,
officer, but I wasn’t going to be out that long…”
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said,
“Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t
believe everything I read.”
I got my driver’s license photo taken out of focus on purpose.
Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer
and farther, trying to see it clearly)…and says, “Here, you
can go.”
The judge asked, “What do you plea?” I said, “Insanity, your
honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?”
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone…when I came back
the entire area was missing.
If someone with multiple personalities
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? If you yelled at your plants instead of talking to them, would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure? Is there another word for synonym? Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”? Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Would You Marry Again, Scummy?
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman
asked, “Honey, if I died would you get married again?”
The man said, “No dear.”
The woman said, “I’m sure you would.”
So the man said, “Okay, I would”
Then the woman asked, “Would you let her sleep in our bed?”
And the man replied, “Ya, I guess so.”
Then the woman asked, “Would you let her use my golf
clubs?”
And the man replied, “No, she’s left handed.”
Is the Human Race Doomed Through Stupidity?
Here are some actual label instructions on consumer products that may tell us that we are;
1. On a blanket from Taiwan –
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists –
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo –
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray –
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer –
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles
OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins –
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer –
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Fritos –
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
12. On a bar of Dial soap –
DIRECTIONS – USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
13. On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)-
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding –
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
15. On a Korean kitchen knife –
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights –
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
17. On a Japanese food processor –
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
18. On Sainsbury’s peanuts –
WARNING – CONTAINS NUTS.
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS – OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
20. On a Swedish chainsaw –
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
21. On a child’s superman costume –
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
22. On some frozen dinners
SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST.
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box
FITS ONE HEAD.
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25. On Boot’s “Children’s” cough medicine
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
26. On Nytol sleep aid
WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
Una muchacha va a una
Una muchacha va a una cita con su ginec�logo, toda preocupada y le dice:
“Resulta que he tenido sexo con el carpintero, con el panadero, con el lechero, con el plomero, con el electricista …. Usted cree que ya sea hora que me ponga la T de cobre.”
“La T de cobre no s� hijita, pero la P de puta hace rato…”
Follow Directions!
A man travelling by plane and in urgent need to use the men’s room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the men’s’ room door, it was “OCCUPIED”.
The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the Ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The Buttons were marked “WW, WA, PP, and ATR”.
Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway. He carefully pressed the first button marked “WW” and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, “WOW, the women really have it made!” Still curious he pressed the button marked “WA” and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The Button marked “PP” yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn’t resist the last button marked “ATR”.
When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, “What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!”
The nurse replied, “Yes you were having a great time until you pressed the “ATR” button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow!”
Burn Victim
A guy burned two ears… so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.
He said, “I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang…so instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear…”
“But how did you burn the other ear?” The doctor asked.
“How do you think I called you people?”
A young college student
A young college student wrote home to his family. “Dear mom and dad, I haven’t
heard from you in nearly a month. Please send check so I’ll know you’re all
right.”