Author: admin

Evil Overlord Handbook Part Six

Posted on by admin

51. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at
the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite
number among his army.

52. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable
superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of
keeping it in reserve.

53. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel
devices.

54. I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being
executed. Those that take more than two seconds to respond will be killed
either way.

55. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey,
ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying
ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around. Not that the key
will be anywhere near the hero.

56. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the
beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks
and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans. I
will then lie to her, and see if she betrays me.

57. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work
for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to
give the other guy a sporting chance.

58. I will not rely entirely upon “totally reliable” spells that can be
neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talisman.

59. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible
for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will
not draw my weapon, point it at him, say “And here is the price for
failure,” then suddenly turn and kill some random, totally reliable
underling.

60. If an advisor says to me “My liege, he is but one man. What can one
man possibly do?”, I will reply “This.” and kill the advisor.

Who Is Braver?

Posted on by admin

Three generals, one from the Army, another from the Marines, and a third from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy Admiral about whose soldiers were the bravest.

To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: “Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing ‘Wild Blue Yonder’, and then jump off!”

“YES SIR!” replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.

The general dismisses him. “Now that’s bravery!” exclaims the general.

“Ah, that’s nothing,” says the Admiral, “Seaman!” A seaman appears, “YES, SIR!!” “Take this weapon,” as he offers him an M14, “Scale that flagpole, balance yourself on top, stand at attention, present arms, and sing ‘Anchors Aweigh.’ Salute each of us, and jump off.

“YES SIR!!” replies the seaman. He sprints for the flagpole with the weapon high over his head, and completes the task perfectly.

“Now that’s courage!” says the admiral.

“Courage, nothin'” snorts the Army general. “Get over here, private!”
“YES SIR!!” replies the private.

“Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first.”

“YES SIR!!” replies the private, and completes the task.
“Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!”

They all look to the Marine. “Private,” he says.
“YES SIR!!”

“Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing ‘The Halls of Montezuma’, put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst.”

The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, “FUCK YOU SIR!!”

The general turns to the others and says, “Now THAT’S bravery!”

A Night Out

Posted on by admin

An Irishman’s been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result.

He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face.

He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. “So, you’ve been out drinking again!!”

“What makes you say that?” He asks as he puts on an innocent look.

“The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.”

Playing through

Posted on by admin

This husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from
a heart attack.

“Please dear, I need help!” she said.

The husband ran off saying, “I’ll go get some help.”

A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his
shot on the green. His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, “I’m
may be dying and you’re putting?!?”

“Don’t worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he come and
help.”

“The second hole? When in the hell is he coming?” she gasped in pain.

“Hey ! I told you not to worry,” he said, as he practiced stroking his putt.
“Everyone’s already agreed to let him play through.”

Parrot Talk

Posted on by admin

One day a guy walked into a pet store to buy a parrot. He found one that he liked and went up to the counter to buy it. The store clerk saw which parrot he had picked out and said, ”That parrot repeats everything he hears.” ”That’s alright,” the man replied. So the man bought the parrot and left the store. As he was walking down the street, he saw a cop chasing a robber. The cop hollered to his partner, ”Shoot him down, shoot him down!” Then the parrot said, ”Shoot him down, shoot him down!” They kept walking and found a man who was trying to pry his car off the ground with a crowbar because his wheels had been stolen. The man said, ”Pop it up, pop it up!” The parrot said, ”Pop it up, pop it up!” They kept on walking to a carnival. A guy at a gamestand yelled, ”Hit a big one, win a prize!” The parrot said, ”Hit a big one, win a prize!” Then they walked into a church and sat down. The minister was in the middle of the sermon. He said, ”The Lord is above us.” The parrot said, ”Shoot him down,shoot him down!” The minister said, ”The devil is below us.” The parrot said, ”Pop it up, pop it up.” Then the minister got angry and threw a bible at the parrot. The parrot ducked and the bible hit a fat lady behind him. The parrot said,” Hit a big one, win a prize!”

Leasons from a Dog

Posted on by admin

If a dog were your teacher, you would learn valuable lessons, like:

1. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

2. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a car ride.

3. The experience of fresh air and the wind in your face would be pure ecstasy.

4. As you enjoy the wind in your face, do not restrict your capacity to drool.

5. When it’s in your best interest – practice obedience.

6. Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory.

7. Take naps and stretch before rising.

8. Run, romp, and play daily, if not by the minute.

9. Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

10. Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.

11. On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the cool grass.

12. On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a tree.

13. When you take a drink of water, find a human to drip on.

14. When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

15. No matter how often or severely you’re scolded, don’t feel guilty and pout… run right back and make friends.

16. Delight in the simple joys of a long walk.

17. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Don’t stop when you’ve had enough.

18. Be loyal.

19. Tolerate cats – humans love that.

20. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it, where ever that leads you.

21. When a person is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.