Yours Fun Portal !
Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel
when they stopped at a small town. Bin Laden gets off the camel
and lifts up its tail and looks at the camel’s butt, just then a
guy comes over and says, “What are you doing?”
Osama replies, “About 2 miles back I heard someone say, ‘Hey,
look at the two assholes on that camel.'”
A horny young man went to a brothel…The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available.Madam, “On the first floor, we have the ex-models… they are all slinky and sexy… On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses…they are all buxom and beautiful… On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers….they…”Man, “Say no more! Lead me to the third floor.”Madam, “Are you sure… I’m surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses.”Man, “It’s obvious, ma’am, teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you’re perfect at it.”
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman can’t believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can’t believe that such a rude person exists.
A few more minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his penis out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, “Three times you’ve sneezed, and three times you’ve removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?”
The man replies, “I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma’am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.”
The woman, now feeling badly, says, “Oh, I’m sorry. What are you taking for it?”
The man looks at her and says, “Pepper.”
Proof that….
People are assholes.
Today in connetcuit a woman was standing on the side of the
bridge, ready to jump to her death. The police had to close the
bridge because a group of, one car, one truck and a busload of
people were chanting ‘jump jump jump.’ Scarcely believable, they
actually sounded pretty good
People are idiots
Two days ago on Long Island, New York, a hispanic man who had
recently robbed a few department stores had run away into the
woods while police chased him. Know what he did? Climbed a tree.
The police found him. He grabbed for something, a police officer
said, “He’s got a gun” and shot him down.
People are illiterate
Recently two men, just starting out as crooks, were robbing
vetrenary offices. Im not sure of the correct
spelling/puncuation but they found what they thought read
‘Histofetimene’ which is a new drug out that gives a ‘heroine
high simulation’ without the risk. They took it, turned up a day
later in a hospital. Turns out the drug was actually used to
‘lessen contractions during dog birth’ or something. Jackasses.
People are ignorant
A ground crew for a news station couldn’t get to the site of an
accident to report what happened because the power cord to the
camera didnt reach far enough. Needless to say, the cord went to
the van which was parked 200 feet away, a road going right
passed the accident was wide open. 5 lanes wide open.
People are computer retarded
The ‘Any Key’ phenomenon. ‘Nuff said.
People are sexually explorative
A man, several years ago, got his genetalia stuck in the filter
of his hot tub. For four hours. He was experimenting when the
sudden blockage caused the filter to goto ‘suck’ mode. Needless
to say, i got this from some medical TV show. Who could resist?
A midget with a heavy lisp goes to a horse farm to purchase a horse. The owner of the farm takes him through to look at all of his horses. The owner is really getting pissed off.
Finally, the last horse and the midget decided that he really wanted this horse. So he ask the owner if he could lift him up so he could look at the horses eyes. The owner did as the midget asked, and the midget said ” Oh my, thse got very pretty eyez”.
Then the midget ask if he could lift him up so he could see her teeth, Then the midget said “Oh wow, thse got wonderful teeth. Then the midget ask if he could see her twat. The owner, being very pissed,picked him up, and rammed him in and out of the horse’s twat.
The midget looked up at the owner and said. “Oh my, yes she does have a very fine twat, but I guess I thoud have asked to see her gallop.”
How many field service engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They always work in the dark!
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she
decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a
tree, and told him, “I’ve kidnapped you.”
She then wrote a note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow
morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan
tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground.
Signed, a blonde.”
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him
home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde
checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the
pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with
a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow blonde?”
The first little pig walked into the bar and said “Can I have a rum and coke?” and the bar man said “OK”. Then the little pig said “Can I use your toilet?” and the bar man said straight ahead. Then the second little pig walked into the bar and said “Can I have a rum and coke?” and the bar man said “OK”. Then the little pig said “Can I use your toilet?” and the bar man said straight ahead. The third little pig walked into the bar and said “Can I have a rum and coke?” and the bar man said “OK”. Then the Bar man said “I suppose you want to use the toilet”, but the third little pig said “No, I’m the pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home”.
Un viejito quer�a hacer el amor, y se va a buscar a una prostituta para complacerse.
En el momento importante al viejo no se le paraba, as� que en toda su desesperaci�n le dice a la prostituta que lo espere un momento y se va al ba�o del motel. En la oscuridad busca en el botiqu�n algo que le pueda solucionar el problema y encuentra una peque�a pomada. Se la aplica en la cuesti�n y siente que le devuelve el vigor juvenil.
El viejo vuelve a la cama y le hace el amor a la prostituta, quien a su vez queda sorprendida con el vigor del viejo. Una vez terminado todo, al viejo le entra curiosidad de saber que era lo que se hab�a echado. Se levanta, va al ba�o, enciende la luz y busca la pomadita m�gica que dec�a:
“POMADA PARA CALLOS: �endurece, seca, se pudre y se cae!”
A man who had been in a mental institution for some years finally improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to interview him first.
“Tell me,” said the doctor, “if we release you, as we are considering, what do you plan to do with your life?”
The inmate said, “It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you see, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped to put me here. If I am released, I shall limit myself to work in pure theory, where I believe the situation will be less difficult and stressful.”
“Wonderful,” said the psychiatrist.
“Or else,” continued the patient, “I might teach. There is something to be said for dedicating your life to expanding the knowledge of young people.”
“Definitely,” said the psychiatrist.
“Then again, I might write. There is always a need for books on science, or I may even write a novel based on my experiences in the psychiatric institution.”
“Another interesting possibility,” agreed the doctor.
“And finally, if none of these things appeals to me…
I can always continue to be a teakettle!”
So this guy takes his wife to the doctor and tells him that she loves to fuck anything. The doctor tells the guy that he’ll have a look at her and to go wait in the waiting room.
The doctor tells the wife to strip naked. She does so and he begins to examine her. He does the normal checkup and then notices that every time he touches her ass she begins to wiggle and squirm about. The temptation to climb on top of her and fuck her brains out became stronger and stronger until he lowers his defense and does it.
The husband hears the moaning and groaning from the office and runs in to see what the fuck is going on. He sees the doctor on top of his wife and says, “Doc! Just what the fuck do you think you are doing?!?!?!?”
The doctor replies “Uh, taking her temperature?”
The husband then takes out his pocket knife and says, “Doc, when you take that thing out there had better be numbers on it!”
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.
“Hallo, Mr. Hussein!”, a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”
“Well, Paddy,” Saddam replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”
“Right now,” said Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “There is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!”
Saddam paused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.”
“Begorra!”, said Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back!”
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. “Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!”
“And what equipment would that be, Paddy?” Saddam asked.
“Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.”
Saddam sighed. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I’ve increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke.”
“Saints preserve us!” said Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.”
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. “Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We’ve modified Harrigan’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!”
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I’ve increased my army to TWO MILLION!”
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!”, said Paddy, “I’ll have to ring you back.”
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. “Top o’ the mornin’, Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” said Saddam. “Why the sudden change of heart?”
“Well,” said Paddy, “We’ve all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there’s no way we can feed two million prisoners.”