Author: admin

Vampires

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There were these two vampires talking. One says to the other, “I heard on TV that wine is good for the health.” The other one said, “Well, let’s go to Italy, then. The Italians drink lots of wine.”

So they go to Italy, stand on the bridge and wait. A woman walks by, the vampires kill her, drink her blood and throw the body over the bridge.

A few minutes later, a man walks by. They kill him, drink his blood and throw his body over the bridge.

Then another man comes along, and they kill him too.
Just as they were about to throw the body over the bridge, they hear a voice singing.

The two vampires look down to see an alligator under the bridge, singing, “Drained wops keep falling on my head…”

Farmer’s sign language

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A farmer drives across his field one day in his tractor, when half ways across the field the tractor breaks down. “Damn it” he said.He sees his wife in the farm yard feeding the chickens, he catches her attention and shouts to her and signals with his hand that he needs a pair of pliers to fix the engine in his tractor.His wife cannot hear him and raises her arms in the air to indicate this. The farmers shouts over again louder this time and signals with his hand that he needs a pair of pliers to fix his tractor.This carries on for a while with the farmer and his wife until eventually she makes out what he is saying.As soon as she realized what he was saying she signaled back. She put both hands on her breasts, then on her crotch and then on her backside.The farmer looked at her with a very puzzled stare, he couldn’t believe what she was doing. His wife repeated this over and over until eventually the farmer gave up and walked over to the farm yard.He walked up to his wife very irate and shouted at her “I told you to bring me over a pair of pliers for my tractor, it was broken down” His wife snapped back “yeah, but I told you, there was a pair in the box under the seat”.

How hard is it to burry yo mother in law in Isreal?

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There was once a couple who were traveling for the hollidays to Jerusalem, Isreal. Well they had to bring along the man’s mother in law. Well they were there for about a couple of weeks and the mother in law died in her bed. Well being the man, the man went to the US counslit on Isreal and said…. Man: I want to send a dead body to the US to have a proper barriel on here country. US Counslit: Well that’ll be really expensive and it’ll be hard to pay the bills. Man: Well how much will it be? US Counslit: $50,000 but only $1500 to burry her in Isreal. Man: No i really need her in the states and not her!!!! US Counslit: Why? Man: Because i dont want her burried here! US Counslit: Why dont you want her burried her? Man: Well, there was a man here before and after burried for 3 day he rised from the died! I couldn’t hadle that espceilly because she is my MOTHER IN LAW!!!!!!!!

Getting Women Hot

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There are three guys, an Italian, a Frenchman and a Texan. They are all discussing what they do to get their women hot.

The Italian says, “First I light a candle and drip hot liquid wax all over her body, then I follow with a tender nibbling at each spot of wax until they’re all gone. Then she’s hot!”

When the Frenchman was queried he replies, “First I take a bouquet of roses and I pull all the petals off and sprinkle them all over her body. Then I go all over her blowing them off, one at a time. When I’m through, she’s really hot!”

The previous two gents now ask the Texan what he did to get his woman hot. He replied, “Well I don’t do anything that exotic! What I do is, I pick her up and throw her on the bed, grab her by the ankles and fuck the shit out of her. When I’m done, I wipe my dick on her new curtains. Man, does she get hot!”

Another Batch!

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“Sex is one of the most beautiful and natural things that money can buy.”

“I gave my cat a bath the other day…He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was
fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that…”

“What? You been keeping records on me? I wasn’t so bad! How many times did
I take the Lord’s name in vain? One million and six? Jesus Ch—“

“In French, oeuf means egg, cheese is fromage…it’s like those French
have a different word for everything.”

“I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal, high enough so you can
look up her dress.”

“I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was…an
arctic region covered with ice.”

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN

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1. Know your great-grand-dad was a thieving bastard that no civilized nation
on earth wanted.
2. Fosters Lager.
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years
because you think it belongs to you.
4. Annihilate England every time you play them at cricket.
5. Tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals (politicians only?)
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach.
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb

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Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible
fight. “I am the most beautiful person in the world,” proclaimed
Sleeping Beauty.

“No, you’re not,” answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.

I am the smallest person in the world,” shouted Tom Thumb.

“No, you’re not,” said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan

“I’ve had more lovers than any person in the world,” announced Don
Juan.

“No, you haven’t” replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.

Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a
mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in
the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to
his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a
time.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out
beaming. “I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said
so.”

In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty.
“I am the smallest person in the world. Merlin agrees.”

In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a
half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, “Who the hell
is Bill Clinton”