Blonde Construction

Two blonde builders were working on a house. One blonde was on a ladder nailing. She’d reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood.

The other blonde couldn’t stand it any longer and yelled up, “Why are you throwing some of the nails away?”

The first blonde explained, “When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it’s pointed toward me I throw it away. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I can use it!”

The second blonde explained, “Don’t throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They’re for the other side of the house!!”

Obscene Commets

The company president called the chief security guard into his office.”Chuck, we’ve received a complaint from one of the employees that you are making obscene sexual comments and putting your hands where they don’t belong. These unwanted advances will have to stop.”Chuck looked down at his feet and mumbled, “I’m sorry, Sir. I won’t’ do it again.”The company president said, “I’m sure Ms. Jones will be happy to hear that.” Chuck’s face lit up. “Ms Jones?!!!! I was afraid that Bob in Accounting was complaining!!!!”

Bribes

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.

“So,” he said, “I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.”

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.

“You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000.”

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon, and stated “Now then, I’m returning $5,000, and we’re going to decide this case strictly on its merits.”

Twister titles

Alternate/rejected titles for the movie Twister: *Totally Gone With The Wind *Boys On The Side… Of My Barn *The Weather Channel: The Movie *Schindler’s Twist *Field of Debris *Dead Man Flying *One House Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest *The Splintered Bridges of Madison County *Wizard of Oz II:The Search For Toto *Killer Genuine Draft *Four Weddings and a Funnel *Indiana Jones and the Trailer Park of Doom *A Funny Thing Happened On the Way To the Farm *Roofless in Seattle

The 2000 Darwin

The 2000 Darwin awards!(August 1999, Australia) Drinking oneself to death need not be a long lingering process. Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician, showed his competitive spirit by dying of competitive spirits. A Sydney, Australia hotel bar held a drinking competition, known as Feral Friday, with a 100-minute time limit and a sliding point scale ranging from 1 point for beer to 8 points for hard liquor. Allan stood and cheered his winning total of 236, (winners never quit!) which had also netted him the literally staggering blood alcohol level of 0.353, 7 times greater than Australia’s legal driving limit of 0.05%. After several trips to the usual temple of overindulgence, the bathroom, Allan was helped back to his workplace to sleep it off, a condition that became permanent. A forensic pharmacologist estimated that after downing 34 beers, 4 bourbons, and 17 shots of tequila within 1 hour and 40 minutes, his blood alcohol level would have been 0.41 to 0.43, but Allan had vomited several times after the drinking stopped. The ost paid by Allan was much higher than that of the hotel, which was fined the equivalent of $13,100 US dollars for not intervening. It is not known whether Allan required any further embalming.

The in-laws

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband says sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”

“Yes,” the wife replies, “In-laws.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman