What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer’s day?
“I’m bacon!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Author: admin
Joyous Bells
There were 10 priests who had died around the same time,
and God, to test their loyalty, had tied bells to each of the 10
priests wangs and make each watch pornography (in case you
didn’t know, priests are not supposed to want any sexual
relations with anyone). If one was to get a boner, the bell
would ring, and
he would be sent to hell.
As each priest went one by one, no bells rang, until the
last priest was put to the test. Boy was that bell ringin and
immediately God had pulled the priest out and scolded at him,
telling him how he was not loyal. In nervousness the priest’s
bell had fallen, “Pick up your bell now!” yelled God, and as the
priest bent over to pick up his bell, 9 bells rang…
Bearded Mouth
Q: What looks like a mouth with a beard?
A: Use your perverted imagination. Ok, ok, I’ll use mine. A pussy.
What Judges Say to Lawyers and What They Really Mean
“This is a fairly obscure area of law.”: “I have no clue what you’re talking about.”
“I think the court understands the gist of your argument.”: “Shut up and sit down before you screw up the few good points you’re trying to make here.”
“I’ll be taking this matter under advisement.”: “I’m going to work some poor law clerk like a galley slave to research everything there is to find about this, and then decide it by a coin flip.”
“Counsel, isn’t the real question here whether your insurance client has a duty to extend coverage?”: “Since you’re working by the hour for some rapacious insurance company, even if I hand you your head on a platter everybody still gets paid.”
“Counsel, let me see if I can’t rephrase your argument to make it a little clearer.”: “Since it’s obvious that you couldn’t find your butt with both hands, let alone explain what you’re trying to say, I’m going to take pity on your poor client, help him out here and hope he has the good sense to choose somebody else next time he needs legal help.”
“I’ve read all the briefs. Unless you have something new to add, I think I’ve got a pretty good handle on the issues.”: “I’ve got a tee time in 30 minutes, and if you force me to stay here and listen to you drone on, I’m going to make you pay for it.”
“I think now might be a good time to take a short break.”: “I’m trying desperately to keep from falling asleep, pitching forward into the file folder and having to get staples removed from my forehead.”
“Counsel, I think you’ve adequately covered that issue.”: “You’ve beat that dead horse into oblivion.”
“I just want to make sure that your client understands the rights he’s waiving here.”: “I want to make sure that if some bleeding heart on the appeals court decides to let this scumbag out of prison, I don’t get blamed for it.”
“I believe this is a question better determined by the jury.”: “Let’s see if you can get 12 people to buy this load of crap.”
“Counsel, could you address the jurisdiction issue first?”: “Please show me how I can unload this turkey on some other judge.”
“Although there is authority on both sides of the issue, the better-reasoned line of cases seems to say. . .”: “I disagree with the leading 42 cases on this point, but my clerk was able to find a 1946 Puerto Rico case that can be twisted into what I think the law ought to be.”
“This reminds me of an amusing story from when I was in private practice.”: “I’m going to bore you to tears with an old joke from the early ’50’s, and you’re going to feign amusement because the fate of your case hangs in the balance.”
“Counsel, one more outburst like that and I’m going to hold you in contempt!”: “Nothing would amuse me more than to leave you in a cold cell all weekend with a large guy named Bubba who knows all the words to “Getting To Know You.”
“I haven’t made up my mind one way or the other on this issue.”: “You’re gonna lose big time.”
Knock Knock
Whould you still know me in 5 minutes?Yes
How about 10 minutes? Yes
How about 1 year? Yes
How about 10 years? Yes
Ok…knock, knock!
Whos there?
What you dont know me?!
I thought you would know me!
Hunting
One day joey,sam, and bob went on a hunting trip. When they finally got a deer and started heading back to the car it was already getting late. after awhile joey and sam started complaining. Joey was tired of dragging the deer and wanted to stop and gut it, to make it lighter. Sam just had to shit realy bad. After awhile bob got tired of the whining and stopped. Sam went off in the woods to shit while joey and bob gut the deer. After a couple minutes joey and bob took some deer guts and snuck up on sam. they placed the guts under sam and went back to finish guting the deer. when sam came back his face was white as if he had seen a ghost.”guys i really had to shit and i mean i REALLY had to shit” said sam. joey and bob started laughing and asked what had hapened. “well i went shit and when i turned around to look at what was in me i saw my guts in a big pile, but dont worry, i put them back in!”said sam.
keeping idiots busy
This cat is cat a cat good cat way cat to cat keep cat an cat idiot cat busy cat for cat 20 seconds cat.
Now read this again without the word cat.
Unfaithful Mates
Otis, Henry, and Tom were sitting in a bar discussing their wives.
Henry started by saying, “I think my wife is fooling around on me. I went home the other day and found a hammer and a saw under our bed. I think she is cheatin’ on me with a carpenter!”
Tom answered, “Ya, I think my wife is not faithful either.
The other day I went home and found a pipe wrench and some pipes under my bed. I think she is cheatin’ on me with a plumber!”
Otis then joins in and says, “Well, if you think that’s bad, I’ve got one for ya. I went home yesterday and found a cowboy under my bed.
I think my Lina is cheatin’ on me with a horse!”
Just remember… You gotta break
Just remember… You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the
neighbor’s car!
Dead bunny
A woman with a broken ankle was gingerly hobbling along on crutches as she attempted to walk her dog. Because of her handicap, however, she was having a lot of trouble keeping the dog under control. Finally, the dog lunged forward, the leash slipped out of her hand, and the dog went running down the street. She called and called, but the dog wouldn’t come back. Since she couldn’t chase after it, she eventually gave up and went home.
A couple of hours later she heard something scratching at the door. When she went to the door she found her dog standing there with a dead rabbit in its mouth. Upon closer inspection, she realized it was the neighbors’ pet rabbit. She knew she would never be able to tell them what happened, and since they were out of town for the weekend, she hit upon a plan.
She took the rabbit into the bathroom, washed it off, and blew its fur dry. Then she took the rabbit back to the neighbors’ backyard and put the rabbit back in its cage. She thought the neighbors would discover the rabbit dead and think it died in the cage. They would never suspect what really happened.
On Monday, there was a knock at the door, and when she answered, there was her neighbor standing there. He asked her if she had seen anyone in their backyard over the weekend. She said no. He said, “Did you see anything strange going on around our house or yard?” Again, she denied seeing anything suspicious. She said, “Why are you asking me these questions? What happened?” He said, “Well, something really strange is going on in my backyard. On Friday our rabbit died, so we buried it in the backyard. But when we came back from the weekend, it was back in the cage!”
Redneck Sex Test
Redneck Sex Test
1.The clitoris is a type of flower….. True or False
2.A pubic hair is a wild rabbit…… True or False
3.Spread Eagle is an extinct bird….. True or False
4.Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack…..True or False
5.A menstrual cycle has three wheels…… True or False
6.A G-string is part of a fiddle….. True or False
7.Semen is a term for sailors…… True or False
8.Anus is a Latin term for yearly…… True or False
9.Testicles are found on an Octopus….. True or False
10.Asphalt describes rectal problems…… True or False
11.KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati….. True or False
12.Masturbate is used to catch large fish….. True or False
13.Coitus is a musical instrument…… True or False
14.Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke….. True or False
15.An umbilical chord is part of a parachute….. True or False
16.A condom is a large apartment complex….. True or False
17.An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir…. True or False
18.A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry….. True or False
19.A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle….. True or False
20.An erection is when Japanese people vote….. True or False
21.A lesbian is a person from the Middle East….. True or False
22.Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass….. True or False
23. Pornography is the business of making records….. True or False
24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin…… True or False
25. Douche is the French word for “twelve”…… True or False
Blonde Riding Shotgun
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph. “Hey,”
asked the brunette at the wheel, �do yaw see any cops following us?”
The blonde turned around for a long look. “As a matter of fact, I do.”
“Damn!” cursed the brunette. “Are his flashers on?
The blonde turned around again. “Yup… nope… yup… nope… yup….”