Author: admin

Did You Have an Accident?

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Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? Well, I hope you remember my story when you start getting frustrated.

My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at taco bell for a quick lunch in between errands, it was very busy, with a full dining room.

While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny so of course I checked my seven month old daughter and she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him and he said no. I kept thinking, oh Lord that child has had an accident and I didn’t have any clothes with me.

Then I said, Matt are you sure you did not have an accident? I just knew that he must have had an accident, cause the smell was getting worse. SOOO, I asked one more time MATT DID YOU HAVE AN ACCIDENT?

This time with a little smirk on his face he jumped up and yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, SEE MOM IT’S JUST GAS!!!!

While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. I was mortified, but some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better, when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had.

3 Boys

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There were 3 boys named
Zip
cock
and piss
their teacher went out of the classroom. zip cock and piss decided to be silly. zip went up a shelf
cock went in a cubord and piss messed around normally (writing swear words on the blackboard.) teacher came back and a kid ratted where they were, so she said.

Zip down!

Cock out!!

Piss in the corner!!!

Halloween Funnies!

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Halloween Funnies:

What do Skeletons say before eating?
Bone Appetite.

What do blondes and Jack-O-Lanterns have in common?
Both have blank expressions and are hollow inside.

Why did the Vampire get fired from the Blood Bank?
He was caught drinking on the job.

Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating?
Women can see right through them.

Why are Vampires Democrats?
They want Gore in 2000.

What kind of clothes do Zombies wear?
Decay NY.

Why aren’t there any famous skeletons?
They’re a bunch of no bodies.

What kind of music do Mummies listen to?
Wrap.

What do you call a guy turned on by a witch?
Scared stiff.

Monica’s Possible Book Titles

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I Suck At My Job
What Really Goes Down In The White House
How I Blew It In Washington
You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President
Clear and Present Boner
Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule
Going Back for Gore
Podium Girl
Secret Services to the President
Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton
Deep Inside The Oval Office
The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions
She’s Chief of MY Staff!
Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes
How To Beat Off the Government
Going Down and Moving Up
Members of the Presidential Cabinet
Me and My Big Mouth
How To Get A head in Business

Quack, Quack

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There was this city doctor who started a practice in the countryside. He once had to go to a farm to attend to a sick farmer who lived there. After a few housecalls he stopped coming to the farm.

The puzzled farmer finally phoned him to ask whats the matter, didn’t he like him or somethin’.

The doctor replied, “No, its your ducks at the entrance…
Every time I enter the farm, they insult me!”

The Clever Man

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There were once 3 men who lived in jail. One was rather stupid,
one was a bit more clever, and one was the cleverest (the clever
man). They were all guilty of their convicted crimes but decided
to escape.

During the escape they had to cross one large field. The clever
man crossed it by crawling behind a hedgerow, the slightly
clever man ran across, and the stupid man carelessly strode
across the field, whistling ten green bottles (sitting on a
wall), and taking his time.

Now, two lesbians owned this field, and hearing the whistling,
stopped the men. “You have been trespassing” they both said in
unison. “…and for that you shall be punished.” The Lesbians,
not knowing that these men had just escaped from jail said, “We
shall now legally (this was in Indonesia) remove your genitiles
in a manner according to your job.”

The dumb man, not thinking said- “Oh yes, I’m a butcher!”– they
sliced his penis off like ham.

The slightly clever man was about to say that he was a chemist,
but with thought that the lesbians might be in possession of
sulphuric acid (remember that this was in Indonesia) said, “I’m
a Lumberjack” – he wanted the pain to be quick…. and so it
was. Just in one single chop.

The lesbians were enjoying this, and with smug faces (otherwise
known as the Anne Robinson from Watchdog face) turned to the
clever man, who said-with an equally smug face- “Oh me….I test
lollipops.”

Johnny’s Clothes

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Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls, and would his mother please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this. So Johnny’s mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. “First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse”, she said softly

So Johnny unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

“O.K., now take off my skirt”, and he takes off her skirt.

“Now take off my bra”, which he does.

“And now, Johnny, take off my knickers” Johnny takes her knickers off “Johnny, for the last time……STOP WEARING MY CLOTHES TO SCHOOL!”

In prison

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In prison you spend a majority of your time in an 8×10 cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work you must carry a security card and unlock and open all the doors
yourself.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you’re just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you can’t even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct
taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside
wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go to bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are sadistic wardens.
At work, we have managers.

Pictures

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This guy goes to a psychologist. The psychologist shows him an
inkblot and says, “What does this remind you of?” The guy says,
“A naked woman.”

Then he shows him another inkblot and asks him the same question
and the guy says, “A naked woman on a bed.”

Then the psychologist tells to him, “You sick pervert!” The guy
replies, “I’m not a pervert, you are the one who is showing me
all these naughty pictures.”

Math and Hard Work

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What Makes 100%??? What is 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
are represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

and,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

And look how far ass-kissing will take you.:

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that: While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, Bullshit and Ass-kissing will put you over the top!!!