Q – What smells and is shaped like a worm?A – Bird crap.
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Differences Between You And Your Boss
When you take a long time, you’re slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.
When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.
When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.
When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.
When doing something without being told, you’re overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that’s initiative.
When you take a stand, you’re being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he’s being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you’re being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he’s being original.
When you please your boss, you’re arse-creeping.
When your boss please his boss, he’s being co-operative.
When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.
When you have one too many drinks at a social, you’re a drunken bum.
When your boss does the same, he appreciated women.
When you’re on a day off sick, you’re always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it ‘s because he’s overworked.
Mike Tyson
Q: What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson after the fight?
A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!!
Tyson’s psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he obviously misunderstood….good thing he didn’t say two!
Evander after the fight,”Maybe I shouldn’t have told him to Bite Me'”
Tyson’s favorite football team is the Tampa Bay Buc-an-EARS.
For the third fight between Mike and Evander, Tyson wants it to be held in Earie, PA.
New Tyson burger: There is a piece of the champ in every bite!!!
They are making a new boxing term for Tyson….instead of KO, it will be a Van Gogh.
Can’t beat um…Eat um!!!!
In this corner Evander “the Real Meal” Holyfield!!!!!!!
Before the fight, Mike’s trainer told him to get a piece of Holyfied. Oops, bad advice.
The old man and the
A few day’s after George W. Bush’s inauguration, a man came up to the uniformed Marine on duty at the White House and said, “I’d like to see President Clinton.” The Marine politely answered, “Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president.” The man said, “Oh, O.K.,” and walked away. The next day the Marine was again on duty and the same man approached and again asked to see President Clinton. The Marine again answered, “Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president.” Again, the man answered, “Oh, O.K.” and walked away. The next day the same man approached the same Marine and again asked to see President Clinton. The Marine, a little annoyed, said, “Sir, I’ve told you, Mr. Clinton is no longer president. Is there something in that that you fail to understand?” “No, I do understand” said the man, “But I just enjoy hearing you say it.” The Marine smiled and said “See you tomorrow.”
Survival of the fittest brain cells
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the
herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back of the herd that
are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole herd is maintained or even
improved by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way,
the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through
which the electrical signals pass.
Recent etiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol
kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
Thus, regular consumption of spirits helps eliminate the weaker cells,
constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The result of
this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend
parties and job-related performance. It also explains why, after a few short
years of completing university studies and then getting married and settling
down, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new
graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious
alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved
during their university years.
So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge we
should not shudder in our homes. But get back into the bars and pubs and quaff
that pint! Your company and your country needs you to be at your peak, and at
your best, and you shouldn’t deny yourself the career opportunities that you
could achieve through excessive alcohol consumption. Take life by the bottle and
be all that you can be! And remember a good cold beer will kill those bad,
useless brain cells that are slowing you down and it will make the necessary
room needed to get the good brain cells up front and at the top ready to perform
at their best. So bottoms up, down the hatch, look out brain it’s coming fast!
New account
Man walks up to bank teller and says”I wanna open a damn savings account” Teller says “thats fine sir,but you dont have to use profanity”,to which the man replys,”just let me have a goddamn savings accout.” “Sir,the teller says,that type of language will not be tolerated here,perhaps you should speak to my boss.” “FINE,says the man,get the son of a bitch.”The tellers boss comes over and says,”what seems to be the problem?” The man says,”I just won 5 million in the lottery,and all I want to do is open a goddamn savings account.” and the boss says,”And this Bitch wont help you?”
Fun to do during an exam
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.50. Answer the exam with the “Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher”
The Legal System and Cigars
Editors Note: There is absolutely no reason to believe this is true. But it’s fun.————A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case (24) of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against . . . (get this) fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in ”a series of small fires.” The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion.The man sued . . . and won. In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be ”unacceptable fire,” it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge’s ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in ”the fires.” — And Now for the Rest of the Story –After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive 30-day terms in jail.
Monica Lewinsky
What do Monica Lewinsky and a coke machine have in common??
Answer: They both say insert Bill’s
Substitute Organist
On a cold, rainy Sunday morning, the church organist came down
with the flu, so the substitute organist came in to the
minister’s office. “What should I play?” he asked. Obviously
annoyed, the minister replied, “Well, my sermon is on
forgiveness, so you can think of something to go along with
that. But first, you’ll have to let me make a few announcements.
The organist walked into the sanctuary for the service.
When it came time, the minister walked up and said, “Okay, as
you all know, there was a storm last night that damaged the roof
of part of our building. We need money to repair this. If you
are willing to donate $100, please stand.” At that moment, the
substitute organist played the Star Spangled Banner. And that is
how the substitute organist became the full time organist.
CPR
A lady had just finished taking a CPR course, and was on the lookout for a chance to try it out. As she left the shopping center, she saw a man lying on the floor with a lot of people around him.Screaming, “I know CPR!”, she ran to the person, threw her bag down, loosened all tight clothing and got ready to start mouth-to-mouth.At this stage, a huge policeman tapped her on the shoulder and asked, “Do you mind, ma’am? I’m trying to arrest this man.”
Health Club
An elderly gentleman walks into a health club to inquire about
the exercise programs, club facilities, and perks of the
establishment. He walks up to the counter where he is greeted by
a Herculean body builder.
“I’d like some information about the club.”
“Well”, says the body builder, “this is a great club. We have a
number of exercise and recreational areas for you to experience,
and the fees are $5,000 per year.”
“$5,000!!!!” the old man nearly passes out..
“We have a free trial period that you can take advantage of,”
says the body builder, “but before you enter you’ll have to
remove your clothes, because this is a nudist club.”
The old man thinks about it for a moment, but figures, “why not.”
The old man walks out to the pool area where he finds a lounge
chair. He sits back and looks at all the beautiful women, naked
women, all about him. The site begins to stimulate him and he
develops the largest erection he has had since he was a teenager.
Suddenly, a gorgeous blonde runs over to him and jumps on his
lap. She proceeds to do every imaginable sexual act with him.
An hour later the old man, sweating, breathing hard, staggers
into the lobby and slaps down the $5000.
“You know,” says the body builder, “you have a week to make up
your mind about joining. Why are you paying now?”
The old man tells the story, “This place is great. I haven’t had
an experience like this in years.”
Feeling good about himself, the old man walks back out to the
pool area and orders a cigar. Walking back to his lounge chair,
he drops the cigar.
While bending over to pick it up, he is suddenly tackled from
behind by a homosexual. “Auuugh, Stop!!, Stop!!”, screams the
old man, but to no avail. Ten minutes later it’s over.
The old man staggers back to the lobby where he demands his
$5,000 back from the body builder.
“But why? A few minutes ago you were all excited about the club.
What has changed your mind?”
After hearing the explanation from the old man, the body builder
begs the old man to reconsider. “Think about the women you can
meet. “Don’t let this one incident affect your decision.”
“Son”, says the old man, “I get an erection maybe once a month,
but I drop my cigar at least three times a day!”