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The Man Who Lost His Hat

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Walking home with a hangover one Sunday morning, a man
discovered he’d lost his hat. He decided the easiest way to
replace it was to go to church and steal one from the cloakroom.

Once inside, he heard a sermon on the Ten Commandments. After
the sermon, he said to the minister, “I want you to know that
you saved me from crime. I came here to steal a hat, but after
hearing you, I decided not to.”

“Wonderful,” said the minister. “What did I say that changed
your mind?”

“Well,” said the man, “when you got to the part about committing
adultery, I remembered where I left my hat.”

Women Speak

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What Woman Say vs. What Women Really MeanCAN’T WE JUST BE FRIENDS? … really means, “There is no way I’m going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.I JUST NEED SOME SPACE. … really means, “without you in it.”DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?… really means, “We haven’t had a fight in a while.”NO, PIZZA’S FINE…. really means, “you cheap slob!”I JUST DON’T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW. … really means, “I just don’t want YOU as a boyfriend now.I DON’T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? … really means, “I can’t believe you have nothing planned!”COME HERE. … really means, “My puppy does this, too.”I LIKE YOU, BUT… really means, “I don’t like you.”OF COURSE I LOVE YOU…. really means, “just not in that way.”YOU NEVER LISTEN. … really means, “You never listen.WE’RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY. … really means, “I’m not going to stay over until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.I’LL BE READY IN A MINUTE…. really means, “I’m ready, but I’m going to make you wait because I know you will.”OH, NO, I’LL PAY FOR MYSELF. … really means, “I’m just being nice; there’s no way I’m going Dutch.”I’M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS. …. really means, “We’re gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

Words from Women

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I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde. — Dolly Parton

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. — Erica Jong

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours. — Rita Rudner

I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job. — Roseanne

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. — Rita Rudner

I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. — Susie Loucks

This guy says, “I’m perfect for you, ’cause I’m a cross between a macho and a sensitive man.” I said, “Oh, a gay trucker?” — Judy Tenuta

He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant. — Carol Leifer

I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. — Wendy Liebman

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth to. — Erma Bombeck

If high heels were so wonderful, men woeld be wearing them. — Sue Grafton

I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on. — Roseanne

I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can’t. So I grew hair under my arms instead. — Sue Kolinsky

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park. — Dolly Parton

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it’s because it’s cold in there. And I’m like: How did my mother know THAT? — Wendy Liebman

“I think – therefore I’m single.” — Lizz Winstead

“When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.” — Elayne Boosler

“I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch.” — Gilda Radner

“Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.” — Maryon Pearson

“Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel.” — Bella Abzug

“In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.” — Margaret Thatcher

“If I were going to convert to any religion I would probably choose Catholicism because it at least has female saints and the Virgin Mary.” — Margaret Atwood

“I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.” — Gloria Steinem

“Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.” — Gloria Steinem

“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.” — Katharine Hepburn

“I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.” — Marie Corelli

“Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.” — Baroness Edith Summerskill

“If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?” — Linda Ellerbee

“I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.” — Zsa Zsa Gabor

God and the Village Idiot

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One day God was hanging out at the Pearly Gates with St. Paul.

“I need to find someone to run for president,” he said after a while.

Attentive to his boss’ needs, St. Paul started naming off a few qualified candidates.

“Nah, I want that guy,” he said pointing to a drunken Texas governor pissing off a balcony.

“You’ve got to be kidding,” said St. Paul, “Not only is he dumber than a box of rocks, he’s got drinking and drug problems.”

“I don’t care,” said God, “This is the guy.”

Perplexed, St. Paul asked: “What is the problem, Lord, art thou angry with the Americans?”

“No,” said God, “I made a bet with the Devil that I could get a village idiot to run for president.”

“But won’t that work in the Devil’s favor, oh Lord?” Paul asked.

“That’s all right,” said God, “he’ll never take Florida.”

MORE AMAZINGLY REAL EXTRACTS FROM AMERICAN COURTRO

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1″Are you married? “
“No, I’m divorced.”
“And what did your husband do before you divorced him?”
“A lot of things I didn’t know about.”
2″Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?”
“No. This is how I dress when I go to work.”
3″Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a
victim?”
4″Doctor did you say he was shot in the woods?”
“No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.”
5″Could you see him from where you were standing? “
“I could see his head.”
“And where was his head?”
“Just above his shoulders.”
6″…any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial
instead of an attempted murder trial?”
“The victim lived.”
7″What happened then?”
“He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”
“Did he kill you?”
“No.”
8″Can you describe the individual?”
“He was about medium height and had a beard.”
“Was this a male, or a female?”
9″Are you sexually active?”
“No, I just lie there.”
10″Are you qualified to give a urine sample?”
“Yes, I have been since early childhood.”

Kidnapping

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A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree.”I’ve kidnapped you!”, said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde.” The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show his parents.The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bad was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow blonde?”

Stamp collector

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A woman getting married for the fourth time visited a tailor to get a wedding dress made. When the tailor inquired about the color, the bride to be said, ‘White.’The tailor was a bit surprised by this, and said, ‘Excuse me, I don’t mean to pry, but since white is the color traditionally worn by a virgin on her wedding night, I can’t help wondering if you might still be a virgin? How could that be?’The woman replied, ‘I’m sorry to say, but that’s the way it is. You see, my first husband was a psychologist. He just wanted to talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. He just wanted to look. My third husband was a stamp collector… God I miss him.’

Tips From Ghosts of Presidents Past

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One night, George W. Bush is awakened by George Washington’s ghost in the
White House. Bush asks: “George, what is the best thing I could do to help the
country?”

“Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” Washington advises.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves through the dark bedroom.
“Tom,” W asks, “what is the best thing I could do to help the country?”

“Cut taxes and reduce the size of government,” Jefferson advises.

Bush isn’t sleeping well the next night, and sees another figure moving in the
shadows. It’s Abraham Lincoln’s ghost. “Abe, what is the best thing I could do
to help the country?” Bush asks.

Abe answers: “Go see a play.”