Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.
You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for
brains. With a little effort, you can get your shit together,
find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit,
forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. Some people
know their shit while others can’t tell the difference between
shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy
shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, horse shit and
chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot
shit, or duck when shit hits the fan. You can give a shit or
serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit or
be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit,
some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain
shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit,
and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too
much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a
lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit,
or find yourself up shit’s creek without a paddle. Sometimes
everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swimming
a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose. When you stop
to consider all the facts, it’s the basic building block of
creation. And remember, once you know your shit, you don’t need
to know anything else!
Author: admin
Lost It All
A man complaining to a friend: “I had it all – money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman … then … pow! … it was all gone!””What happened?” asked the friend.”Ahhhh … my wife found out …”
Two five-year-old boys
Two five-year-old boys are standing at the potty to pee. One says, “Your thing
doesn’t have any skin on it!”
“I’ve been circumcised.”
“What’s that mean?”
“It means they cut the skin off the end.”
“How old were you when it was cut off?”
“My mom said I was two days old.”
“Did it hurt?”
“You bet it hurt, I didn’t walk for a year!”
The gift…
The gift
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart’s
birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful
consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right
note; romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to
Nordstom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased
a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister
got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking
the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his
sweetheart with the following note:
“I choose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing
any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I
would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short
ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady
I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past
three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me
and
she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on you for the
first
time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have
a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in
them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from
wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming
year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.”
“P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
showing.”
Mental Illness
Sanity statistics say that one out of every four Americans suffer from
some sort of mental illness. Look at your three closest friends…if they
are okay, then it’s you.
–Rita Mae Brown
The Solution
Two guys were taking Chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were doing
well in the class and thought that going into the final they had a solid “A”.
They were so confident that the weekend before finals week, they went to the
University of Tennessee to party with some friends.
They had a great time. However, with hangovers and everything, they overslept
all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Alabama until early Monday morning,
the day of the exam.
Rather than taking the final then, they found their professor after the final
to explain to him why they missed the final.
They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the
weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat
tire on the way back, and didn’t have a spare, and couldn’t get help for a long
time, so they were late in getting back to campus.
The professor told them they could make up the final on the following day.
They were elated and relieved. At the final, the professor placed them in
separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
The first problem, worth 5 Points, was something simple about Molarity &
Solutions. “Cool,” they thought. “This is going to be easy.”
The next problem was worth 95 Points. It asked: “Which tire?”
Your mom is so fat…
Your mom is so fat, that I knew her all my life, and I still haven’t seen all of her!
Too much speeding
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.”But, officer,” the man began, “I can explain””Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.””But, officer, I just wanted to say””And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.””Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”
Israeli Personal Ads
Actual Personal Ads taken from Israeli newspapersAttractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents’ house. POB 46Shul Gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write. POB 81Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let’s try it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43.Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul with, light shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658 Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B’av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B’Teves, Shiva Asar B’Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the “fast” lane. POB 90Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. POB 43Worried about in-law meddling? I’m an orphan! Write. POB 74Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. POB 76Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. POB 56Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanuka candles, havdalah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker. POB 787Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good. POB 55580-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can’t I? POB 545I’m a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I’ll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. POB 86Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp. POB 76Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK. POB 64
What’s the difference between Watergate
What’s the difference between Watergate and Zippergate?
At least this time, there’s no doubt about the identity of “Deep Throat.”
Junkyard Dog
A junkyard owner went to the pound to get a dog to keep the (ethnics) from stealing all his hubcaps. He saw a German Shepherd he liked, but the man said he had something better. He saw a huge doberman which had to be the one, but the man said he had something better. Then he saw a 200 pound, fat-as-shit pit bull laying in a corner cage.The dog was a gross, drooling mess and was licking his balls. The man said, “this is about the laziest and grossest animal I have ever seen? How can he possibly solve my (ethnic) problem?” The dog owner said “Sir, this dog just ate an adult (ethnic) whole!” “Holy shit! Well, why is he licking his balls?” “To get the taste out of his mouth.”
How did the Burger King get the Dairy Queen…
How did the Burger King get the Dairy Queen pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his whopper.