Author: admin

An Old Womans Wishes

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An old woman saved a fairy’s life. To repay this, the fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes.

For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof! She became young and beautiful.

For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world. Poof! She was the richest woman in the world.

For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been her best friend for so many years. Poof! The fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth.

The old lady and the fairy said their goodbyes.

After the fairy left, the handsome man strolled over to her and asked, “Now aren’t you sorry you had me neutered?”

Costume…

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A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.

She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the
party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she
argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to
bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not
going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without
pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she
thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see
how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting
around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he
could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe
herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time
to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her
husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she
agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little
bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and
went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering
what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind
of a time he had. He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I
never have a good time when you’re not there.”

Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”

He replied, I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I
got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we
went into the den and played poker all evening. But you’re not
going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume
to…….”

New Insurance Policy

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After their house burned down, Mary Ann, his wife, called the insurance company.

Mary Ann tells the insurance agent, “We had that house insured for one hundred thirty thousand dollars and we want our money.”

The agent replies, “Whoa there, just a minute. It doesn’t work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of your house and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.”

Mary Ann thought for a moment and then told the agent, “I’d like to cancel the policy on my husband.”

Psychiatry behind Naming the Children

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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three
young mothers and their small children. “You all have
obsessions,” he observed.

To the first mother, he said, “You are obsessed with eating.
You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”

He turned to the second mom. “Your obsession is money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by
the hand and whispered, “Come on, Dick, let’s go.”

Things to do visiting your Therapist

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Some ways to make sure you get an interesting prescription:

1. Ask to borrow a comb, comb your tongue.
2. Take random objects in his office and glue them to the floor.
3. Refuse to cooperate unless he trades his pants.
4. Bring pots and pans. Bang them together when he asks a question you don’t like.
5. After everything he says, say, “And how does that make you feel?”
6. Point at random things and say, “Where did you get that?”
7. Complain that his chair looks more comfortable.
8. Repeat over and over, “I’m not hanging out with a bad influence, I AM a bad influence!”
9. Sit underneath your chair.
10. Stand on your head.
11. Kill spiders on the wall with your fist. Eat what sticks to your hand and leave the rest sticking to the wall. Draw a circle around it to make sure everyone sees it.
12. Never stop smiling.
13. Scream every word.
14. Repeatedly tell him to look at the ceiling. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the chair. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the desk, etc…
15. Put your shoes on the wrong feet.
16. Try to seduce him with chocolate donuts.
17. Try to talk him into sitting on the floor.
18. Tell him Matlock is the key to all your problems.
19. Eat his books.
20. Talk to his leg.
21. Don’t face him when he talks to you.
22. Talk really slowly.
23. Try to eat your hand.
24. If he offers you coffee, ask him to spill it on your lap.
25. Make sure you make butt-prints in his couch.
26. Pretend you hear music.
27. Tell him you think his secretary is really a man.
28. Pretend to drink.
29. Offer him an imaginary cookie.

The following are only learned from college

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1. Quarters are like gold.2. Be creative in the dining hall.3. Flipflops become as important as soap, shampoo, etc.4. You will never find so many excuses for a bucket.5. Asleep by 2:30 am is an early night.6. New additions to the food groups: Mountain Dew, Doritos, Ben & Jerry’s, Ho-Hos and Oreos7. Make sure your alarm clock has back-up batteries.8. Duct tape heals all wounds. (If not, scotch or masking tape will suffice for awhile.)9. Showers become less important.10. Sleep becomes more important.