It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese
businessman, Toshiba, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher greeted the class and said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some
American history.” Who said “Give me Liberty, or give me death?”
She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his
hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775,” said the boy.
“Now,” said the teacher, “who said ‘Government of the people, by the people,
for the people shall not perish from the earth?”
Again, no response except from Toshiba: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”
The teacher snapped at the class, “You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new
to our country, knows more about it than you do.”
As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper:
“Damned Japanese.”
“Who said that?” she demanded.
Toshiba put his hand up. “Lee Iacocca, 1982,” he said.
At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Toshiba’s classroom
superiority, a student in the back sighed, “I’m gonna throw up.”
Teacher says “Who said that?”.
Again, Toshiba raises his hand and says “George Bush to Japanese Prime
Minister, 1991.”
Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Well, suck my….”
Once again, it’s Toshiba with the answer, “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,
1997.”
Author: admin
Where to Send Saddam?
Now that one plan offered by Bush to Saddam is exile, the question is Where? Roy Rivenburg of the L.A. Times (with a little help from the newspaper The Oregonian’s column The Edge) have come up with some ideas:
Fox TV: Writes Rivenburg: “On the heels of ‘Joe Millionaire,’ Fox could produce a new series called ‘Joe Dictator,’ in which 20 beautiful women compete to become Saddam’s mistress. During the courting process Saddam would tell the women he’s the potentate of an oil-rich Middle Eastern nation. Not until the final episode would he reveal the truth — that he has been driven from power and doesn’t have a single weapon of mass destruction to his name.”
Pro Wrestling: If World Wrestling Entertainment needs a new bad guy, he’s the perfect candidate: Saddam Insane.
“The Real World: Las Vegas”: Is there room for one more stranger in the infamous hot tub?
He could become O.J. Simpson’s caddy or…
Al Gore’s butler
or…
Head coach of the Cincinnati Bengals
He could share Dick Cheney’s bunker
Send him to France, where he’ll spend the rest of his days being served by French waiters.
Give him his own late-night talk show, with sidekick Slobodan Milosevic and bandleader Fidel Castro.
Hearst Castle: As the owner of 78 presidential palaces, Saddam would probably be an excellent grounds-keeper for the former estate of William Randolph Hearst.
“Bush Survivor: Evil Island”: In the latest entry of the CBS reality show, Saddam joins Bill Clinton, former Panamanian strongman Manuel Noriega, North Korean president Kim Jong Il and a handful of other Bush enemies on a remote island, competing against a tribe of Bushes: George W., George Sr., Barbara, Jeb, W’s troublesome twins Jenna and Barbara, and Jeb’s jailbird daughter Noelle.
THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN FOOTBALL
1. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
2. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
3. He’s off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
4. It’s a game of inches.
5. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
6. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.
7. He’s gonna feel that one tomorrow.
8. He found his tight end.
9. End around.
10. He had to stretch to get it in.
11. He gets penetration in the backfield.
12. He blows them off (at the line).
13. He bangs it in.
14. He could go all the way.
15. He gets it off just in time.
16. He goes deep.
17. He found a hole and slid through it.
18. He pounds it in.
19. He beats them off (the line).
20. He’s got great hands.
Man planning for the future
Q: How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Q: How many lawyers
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?A: It only takes one to change your bulb…to his.
An Engineer and a Programmer
A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.
The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.
The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $5.”
Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.
The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, “OK, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $100!”
This catches the engineer’s attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.
The programmer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The engineer doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.
Now, it’s the engineer’s turn. He asks the programmer “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?”
The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers–all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks “Well, so what’s the answer?” Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
3 guys
2 guys walk into a bar the 3rd guy ducks
Knock KnockWho’s there?Osborn!Osborn who?Osborn today
Knock KnockWho’s there?Osborn!Osborn who?Osborn today – it’s my birthday!
To Home With Love
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying
very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I
need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I
would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
—————————————————————–
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to
keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit
of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
Octopus
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot etc…
So he says that he will wager 500 quid to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimmi Hendrix, just rippin’ it up. So the man pays his $500.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays his #500.
A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look. Ha!”, the man says, “can’t you play it?”…
The octopus looks up at the man and says “Play it???, I’m going to shag it, as soon as I get its pajamas off.”
10 reasons to buy a new car…
10. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.
9. Instead of an air bag, there’s a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.
8. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14-year-old on a moped.
7. The 15 minute JiffyLube needs to keep your car for 3 days.
6. When you gas up, the attendant asks, “Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?”
5. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal “The Club.”
4. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.
3. For the last five years, you’ve had to settle for making “vroom, vroom” noises while in the driveway.
2. You keep losing dates on left turns.
1. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.
The Top 12 Pickup Lines Used at the Masturbate-a-Thon (X-rated version)
12. “Can I interest you in a protein shake?”
11. “Hey, handsome. Would you like some coffee with that cream?”
10. “Hey, is that a cucumber in your pocket? And if so, can I borrow it for about 15 minutes?”
9. “Avoid the clam dip.”
8. “I don’t mean this to sound like a typical pick-up line, but you have beautiful labia.”
7. “Hello, Richard. My name’s Dick. Have you met my friend, Peter?”
6. “How’d you like to blow this joint?”
5. “If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put ‘goo’ and ‘eye’ together.”
4. “Care to get rid of the sock and slip into something more comfortable?”
3. “Come here to come here often?”
2. “Oops — sorry about that. Consider it a compliment. Can I get you a towel?”
1. “Wanna fuck? No? Okay…
Wanna fuck? No? Okay…
Wanna fuck? No? Okay…
Wanna fuck? Yes? Great!”