Our lager, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink. Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk), At home as it is in the pub. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillage’s, As we forgive those who spill against us. And lead us not to incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers. For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager. BARMEN.
Author: admin
Laziness is the mother of
Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten.
Think ur having a bad day? Imagine this…
Think ur having a bad day? Imagine this…
You and ur brother are siamese twins, you are joined at the hip. Ur brother is gay and ur not, his lover is coming over later and you only have one arse.
Feel better?
How does every ethnic joke
How does every ethnic joke start?
– By looking over your shoulder.
Band Nerds
You are a band nerd when…
1. You can play about 4 instruments and look forward to practice.
2. You hang out with people who look half goth, half normal.
3. Your fingertips are calous, or your mouth is unusually strong.
4. You like pep band.
5. You know strange Italian terms, like sfz. rit. accel. pp. ff. mf. etc.
6. You can pronounce them.
7. You are seriously sunburned or mosquito bitten, or both.
8. Your feet and back ache like crazy the first week of marching band.
9. You have an unusual love of music.
10. You think the cheerleaders are off tempo.
11. Spit isn’t so disgusting.
12. You like at least one band no one has herd of.
13. You are in a band no one has heard of.
14. People think you are wierd.
15. You are wierd.
If you have any of these symptoms, contact me at 1-800-nerdalert-666-die (not a real phone number).
and oh, yeah… BAND RULES!!!!!!!!!
Hu’s on First
(We take you now to the Oval Office. “W” meets with Condalessa Rice)
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That’s what I want to know.
Condi: That’s what I’m telling you.
George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow’s name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya’ asking me for?
Condi: I’m telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That’s the man’s name.
George: That’s who’s name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That’s correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don’t want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
(Phone rings)
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
The Devout Catholic Woman
Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her
husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next
husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.
At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, “At last they’re finally
together.”
A guy sitting in the front row says, “Excuse me Father, but do you
mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?”
“I mean her legs!”
Nun Faints
A nun at a catholic school was going around her class asking the students
what they wanted to become when they grow up.
“I want to be a Firefighter!” said Johnny.
“I want to be a Secretary!” said Nicole.
“I’m going to be a Lawyer!” said Andrew.
The class went on like this, and finally, it came to be Katie’s turn, and
she proudly said, “I’m going to be a Prostitute!”
With this, the nun fainted dead on the floor, and when she came to, she
looked into the crowd, found Katie, and asked, “WHAT did you say?”
“I said I want to be a Prostitute!”
“Thank God! I thought you said you were going to be a protestant!”
10 best yo mamas
yo mama is so ugly she walked into a haunted house and came out with a pay check
yo mama is like a hardware store 5 cents a screw
yo mama is so fat the equators her belt
yo mama is so fat that when she goes outside with a rain coat on people yell “taxi”
yo mama is so ugly that when she was born her mom “said what a picture” and her dad said “yaa lets hang it”
yo mama is so poor i seen her kicking a can down the street and i asked her what she was doing and she said “moving”
yo mama is like a town bicycle everyone gets a ride
yo mama is so ugly that when she was born her mom said “what a treasure” and her dad said “yep lets bury it”
yo mama is so poor that she has a TV but it only has two channels on and off
last one
yo mama is so poor i walk into your house steped on your dads dick and your mom said “who broke the water fountain”.
Proud Dads
Four men are sitting in a bar having drinks. One of the men goes to the bathroom. Then the three remaining men start to chat about their sons. The first man says:
“My son is so great! He just got an honorable discharge from the army, and one of his friends gave him a million in stocks!”
The second guy waves this off and says:
“My son is even better. He just got to the CEO chair of a great company, and one of his friends gave him a new car!”
The third guy waves both of them off and says:
“My son is best of all! He just got into the House, got a 10 dollar an hour raise, and one of his friends just gave him a new house!”
They start to argue, then the fourth guy comes back. They ask him about his son, and he says:
“My son stinks! He started out as a hairdresser, is still a hairdresser after fifteen years, and he’s gay! He must be pretty attractive though, cause he just gave his THREE boyfriends a million in stocks, a new car, and a house!”
Q: How many Canadians
Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: Ten. One to screw in the bulb and the other nine for crowd control.
Va un chico con su
Va un chico con su novia en el auto rumbo al cine cuando, de repente, se empieza a poner caliente la cosa y comienza a acariciarle las piernas. En eso pasa una patrulla de tr�nsito y lo detiene.
“�Qu� pasa oficial?”
“�Qu� no sabe que se debe hacer con las dos manos?”
“�Qu� m�s quisiera oficial, pero vengo conduciendo el auto!”