These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.20. Move your mouth when you’re silent and move your mouth as little as possible when you talk.
Author: admin
One Liners
Q. What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A. A tick falls off of you when you die.
Q. Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A. To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
Q. What do you have when 100 Lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.
Q. What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A. A Doberman.
Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, They cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
Q. What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Q. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A. They had pictures of lawyers on them … and people couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.
Q. What’s the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A. Lipstick.
Q. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
A. Skeet.
Q. What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A. Chelsea Clinton.
Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A. It might be your bicycle.
Q. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
A. The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
Q. It was so cold last winter … (How cold was it?) …
A. It was SO cold … that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the lawyer’s rates. “$50.00 for three questions”, replied the lawyer. “Isn’t that awfully steep?” asked the man. “Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”
Q. You’re trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A. Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Knock KnockWho’s there?Yolanda!Yolanda who?Yolanda me
Knock KnockWho’s there?Yolanda!Yolanda who?Yolanda me some money!
The Man With One Brain
Did you hear about the man that was born with both sexes?
He had a dick and a brain!
The beautiful secretary of the president of…
The beautiful secretary of the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank
goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich Taiwanese client. The client
out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken
aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her; “Don’t reject the
guy outright.”
So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting
to marry her. So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, “I will
only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to
be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara.” The
Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says “No
problem!! I buy. I buy.”
Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the
man, “I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. And as a
vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country
in France.” The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone,
calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He
looks at the woman, nods his head and says, “Okay, okay. I build, I build.”
Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she’d
better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she
gets
an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man
and says, rather coldly, “Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a
12-inch penis.” The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his
hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he’s uttering
something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man
shakes his head, and looking really sad, says to the woman, “Okay, okay.
I cut. I cut.”
Why Do Men Think They Are Clever When Having Sex?
Why do men think they are clever when they are having sex?
They are Plugged into a genius!
As Long As A Cat’s Tail
Two men are in a bar are boasting about their prowess and one of them says, “My cock is longer than that cat’s tail.”
A bet is made, the bartender supplies a ruler, and the cat is roused and measured.
But when the bartender begins the second measurement, the stud says, “Just a moment! Where did you measure that cat’s tail from?”
“From the asshole.” says the bartender.
“Well, kindly do me the same favor.”
good shot dad
Moses, Jesus, and this short stubby old man with a long grey beard went golfing. Moses tees off on a short par three with a lake in front of them. He hits the ball into the lake and the other two just laughed out loud. Moses said whats so funny, I’ll part the water and hit it unto the green and did so. Jesus hit his ball and it landed on the water, of course the two laughed out loud and Jesus replied, I can walk on water and he to hit it unto the green. The stubby old man shot and it was about to hit the water and a fish jumped up and grabbed the ball and before he hit the water an eagle grabbed the fish and flew over the green and fish let go the ball and it went into the hole. Jesus repleid, nice shot dad.
Mike Tyson,Don King,and Oscar de la Hoya
One day a lady went to get 2 tattoos done. One of Mike Tyson on
the inside of her upper right leg and one of Oscar de la Hoya on
her upper left leg. When the tattoos were done she was not
satisfied and decided to file charges on the man who made the
tattoos. On the first day of the court case the judge asked the
woman to explain her point of view of the story, and so she did.
Then the judge asked her politely to lay on the table and spread
her legs open, and so she did. (she did not like to wear panties
and so she didn’t have any on that day and she did not shave
that day either) The judge went closer to her and looked closely
at the tattoos, he then said “well that certainly does not look
like Mike Tyson and that certainly does not look like Oscar de
la Hoya but that certainly looks identical to Don King.
News: Washington and the School Board
School officials in Columbus, Ga., assigned aides to alter textbook photos of Emanuel Leutze’s famous painting”Washington Crossing the Delaware” because some parents thought George’s pocket watch, dangling against his thigh, might appear to 5th-graders to be our first president’s privates. The aides spent two weeks touching up 2,300 textbooks.
Letter to Send to People Who Won’t Hire You
[Date Today]
Dear [Interviewer’s Name]:
Thank you for your letter of April 17. After careful
consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept
your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I
have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large
number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising
field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all
refusals.
Despite Acme Inc.’s outstanding qualifications and previous
experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection
does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will
initiate employment with your firm immediately following
graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
Sincerely,
[Your Name]How old is your father ?
Teacher : How old is your father ?
Boy : As old as me.
Teacher : How can that be ?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.