A blonde and a redhead are watching the 6 o’clock news one evening. The redhead bets the blonde $50 that the man in the lead story, who is threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump.”I’ll take that bet,” the blonde replied.A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped from the building. The redhead, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident, turns to the blonde and tells her that she does not need to pay the $50.”No, a bet’s a bet,” the blonde replies, “I owe you $50 dollars.”The redhead, feeling even more guilty, replies “No, you don’t understand, I saw the 3:00 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out.””That’s okay,” the blonde replies, “I saw it earlier too, but I didn’t think he’d do it again.”
Author: admin
What does a sorority girl put behind her ears
What does a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her look more
attractive?
Her ankles.
Little Johnny Sees Them Naked
Little Johnny has to stay at Grandma’s for the weekend. Being an old school gal, bathing Little Johnny with her, Grandma sees no harm. So, there they are in the shower and Johnny points to Grandma’s crotch and says, “Grandma, what’s that?!?”
Grandma, somewhat shocked, quickly replies, “That’s my beaver, Johnny.”
“Oh, okay.” And this answer seems to appease Johnny’s curiousity.
Well, Johnny returns home, and one morning, Mom is running late for work. She decides that to save time, she’d bathe Johnny with her. Off to the shower, and once again, Johnny sees something not so familiar to him. “Mom, what’s that?” asks Johnny pointing to Mom’s nether regions.
Taken back, Mom says, “Johnny, that’s my beaver.”
Johnny replies, “I thought so. I think Grandma’s is dead. Its tongue is hanging out and its all gray and wrinkled!”
TOP TEN REASONS WHY COREL LOST $32 MILLION (fwd)
TOP TEN REASONS WHY COREL LOST $32 MILLION’Analysts say the discrepancy resulted from a lack of sales through resellers to end users’–that’s the official reason Corel lost $32 million in the third quarter. Sounds like a cover-up to us. Herewith, the *real* reasons for the revenue shortfall:10. Hot air for the Corel blimp9. Still waiting for Sun and Netscape to come through on the Office for Java deal8. Fuel cost write-off for Dr. Cowpland’s Lamborghini7. New Canadian hockey tax really takes a bite6. Photo CD ‘The Statuary of Flint, Michigan’ never generated anticipated revenue5. Started their Macintosh product division too late4. Shipping costs of massive Corel Office Suite much higher than expected3. Corel C++ for Java for Windows2. CFO did the financial statement in CorelDraw…1. …and designed the annual report in Quattro Pro
Baldness
Are you really that bald or is your neck just blowing a bubble?
A President of a democracy
A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.
The Fishing Trip
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband’s best friend. They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they’re just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation… She is speaking in a cheery voice) “Hello? Oh, hi. I’m so glad that you called. Really? That’s wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.” She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, “Who was that?” “Oh” she replies, “that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”
Ribbet
A kindergarten teacher had a pupil tell her he had found a frog.
She inquired as to whether it was dead or alive.
“Dead,” she was informed.
“How do you know?” she asked.
“Because I pissed in his ear,” said the child innocently.
“You did WHAT?” squealed the teacher in surprise.
“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst’. He didn’t move!”
Two nuns walk into a liquor store
Two nuns walk into a liquor store and one asked the clerk for the biggest
bottle of irish whisky he had. the clerk replied “heck no sister, you nuns
aren’t supposed to drink that stuff!”
the nun said “well my son it is not for us you see, it is for mother teresa,”
then the nun whispers “she has the constipation’s.”
the clerk said “oh, in that case, it’s on the house. here’s the biggest jug we
have.” the nuns thank him, bless him, and leave.
a few hours later, as the clerk is leaving, he sees the same two sisters in
the parking lot, rolling around and drinking the irish whiskey. appalled he goes
over to them and says “you ladies lied to me! you told me it was for mother
teresa for her constipation’s!”
one of the nuns takes another swig, looks up at him and says “you wanna know
something buddy? she sure will s*** when she sees us!”
Life Stages
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your
hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always
catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the
time to look. For example, I’m sitting here thinking how nice it
is that wrinkles don’t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its
ground.
5) Laughing helps. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not
the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can
get.
3) You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes
and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a
rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) One of life’s mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can
make a person gain five pounds.
6) God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things.
Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
7) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody
bothers to ask you the questions.
8) Time may be a great healer, but it’s also a lousy beautician.
9) The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because
by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
10) Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
Cheap car
A woman was looking for a used car to buy and saw an ad in the classifieds. It read: Brand new 1995 Mercedes Benz, slate blue, loaded , etc. Sell for $150.00.She was astonished and decided to call the seller and check it out. The woman selling the car was glad to show it to her and, to her surprise, the car was in perfect condition.She asked the woman, “What’s the catch? Why are you selling this car so cheaply?””Well,” she said, “it’s my husband’s car actually, and he recently ran off with his young secretary. I got a telegram from him last week that read: ‘In Miami. Need money. Sell car’.”
Welfare Office
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid.
The office worker asked her, “How many children do you have?”
“Ten,” she replied.
“What are their names?” he asked.
“David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David,” she answered.
“They’re all named David?” he asked “What if you want them to come in from playing outside?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “I just call ‘David,’ and they all come running in.”
“And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?”
“I just say, ‘David, come eat your dinner’,” she answered.
“But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?” he asked.
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “I just use their last name!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Calamjo