Yours Fun Portal !
A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: “We used
to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree
in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.”
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in.
at last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”
Little DJ has his first day at school. His Mom was real worried, and when she
picked him up from school at the end of the day, she anxiously asked him how his
day went. ‘Well, I came top of the class in Math, I made a touchdown in
football, and I had sex with the teacher.’ ‘What! How dare you! Get into your
room and wait till your father gets home!’ Little DJ goes to his room, and when
his father comes home, DJ’s mom tells his father, ‘I’m absolutely disgusted with
DJ. He said he came top of the class in Math, made a touchdown in football, and
had sex with the teacher!’ ‘That’s my boy’ thinks his Dad. So he goes upstairs
to talk to DJ. ‘Don’t worry about your Mom. She’s a bit upset, but it sounds to
me like you had an awesome day at school. In fact, I’m so pleased, you know that
bicycle I said I was going to buy you for Christmas, I think I’ll get it for you
this weekend.’ ‘Oh no, Dad, don’t. I don’t think I’ll be able to sit down for a
while.’
Bay Area Native Quiz Want to know if someone is a native of the San FranciscoBay Area? Want to find out if you qualify yourself? Takethe following quiz and find out!1) Complete the following phrase: Dublin, Berkeley, San Lorenzo, Cupertino, __________ 2) Name the five bridges that cross San Francisco Bay. Extra credit: put them in order from north to south. Extra extra credit: explain how to get across the Golden Gate Bridge during rush hour in less than an hour.3) Complete the following phrase: 2400 Mission, top of the hill, __________4) You’re at a San Francisco Spiders hockey game at the Cow Palace. (True: a team called ‘the Spiders’ play at a place called ‘the Cow Palace.’ Go figure.) A woman comes out to sing the Star Spangled Banner wearing a huge hat with a model of the entire financial district, including the TransAmerica building, on top of it. Your response is: a) ‘Hey, look at that idiot wearing the dorky hat!’ b) ‘Hey, look at that woman wearing the cool hat!’ c) ‘Hey, Beach Blanket Babylon!’5) Explain the following joke: ‘I don’t want to call her ugly, but whenever I say ‘TV 20,’ she turns her head.’6) Which of the following is your typical response to an earthquake? a) ‘Earthquake! We’re all gonna die!’ b) ‘Earthquake! Great! Now I don’t have to go into work today.’ c) ‘Earthquake? We had an earthquake today? I didn’t feel it.’ 7) Match up the following people with the phrases/shows they’re associated with: a) Bob Wilkins 1) Baghdad-by-the-Bay b) Pat McCormick 2) Creature Feature c) Herb Caen 3) Sacratomato d) Dr. Donald D. Rose 4) Dialing for Dollars 8) If someone asked you how to drive from San Francisco to Los Angeles, what would be your response? a) Get onto 101 south and take it all the way. b) Take 80 east to 580 east to 5 south, then take it all the way. c) Los Angeles? Why do you want to go to Los Angeles?9) Which of the following is NOT, repeat NOT, a valid name for a Bay Area sports stadium, and I don’t care how much money they paid? a) Oakland Coliseum b) San Jose Arena c) Candlestick Park d) 3Com Park10) The word ‘Frisco’ is: a) A cute little nickname for that city we also know as ‘San Francisco.’ b) A really annoying shortening of ‘San Francisco,’ no doubt started by Southern Californians who can’t say words longer than two syllables. c) The result of a satanic plot. d) Beats me. Never heard the word before in my life. 11) The little man is on the edge of the chair, clapping wildly; the little man is sitting in the chair and clapping; the little man is sitting in the chair and leaning forward; the little man is asleep in the chair; and the chair is empty. What did I just describe?12) In referring to a general region of the Bay Area, whichof the following terms is never used? What is that areacalled instead? a) Marin b) West Bay c) East Bay d) South Bay13) BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) is not in fact rapidtransit for the entire Bay Area. For instance, it doesn’trun to Milpitas (but can you blame them?) Which of thefollowing is another city that BART doesn’t currentlyserve? a) Richmond b) Fremont c) Daly City d) San Jose14) Which of the following would you be likely to seepeople wearing at Bay to Breakers? a) running shorts b) an Elvis costume c) a fancy ball gown d) a fancy ball gown worn by a male e) all of the above—————————————————–Answers:1) San Jose2) From north to south: Richmond-San Rafael Bridge Golden Gate Bridge Bay Bridge San Mateo Bridge Dumbarton Bridge Extra extra credit question answer: walk 3) Daly City4) ‘c’5) It means she’s a dog (if you still don’t get it, ask a native to explain it to you)6) ‘c’7) Bob Wilkins — Creature Feature Pat McCormick — Dialing for Dollars Herb Caen — Baghdad-by-the-Bay Dr. Donald D. Rose — Sacratomato 8) ‘c’9) ‘d’10) ‘b,’ ‘c,’ or ‘d’11) The movie rating system in the pink section of the San Francisco Chronicle.12) ‘b’ — it’s called the Peninsula13) ‘d’ (Can you believe it? San Jose doesn’t have BART. Neither does the entire Peninsula south of Daly City. It’s a conspiracy by those CalTrain people, I just know it.) 14) ‘e’========================================================Scoring:12-14 correct — you’re a true Bay Area native. Feel freeto look down on Los Angeles with pride. (You probablyalready do.)8-11 correct — you’ve probably lived in or near the BayArea for awhile, but you’re not yet a true native. You mayoccasionally leave the water running, or throw out youraluminum cans. Keep trying and you’ll get bettereventually.4-7 correct — You know a couple of things about the BayArea, but you’re far from being a native. Probably some ofwhat you did get right were just lucky guesses. Go back toLos Angeles (even if you’re not from there).0-3 correct — forget it. Don’t kid yourself. You’re noteven a Californian, let alone a Bay Area native. Go backto Wisconsin. If you’re not from there, you might as wellbe.
YO MOMMA SO NASTY, RED LOBSTER KICKED HER OUT FOR BRINGING HER OWN CRABS.
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Cargo
Cargo who?
Cargo BEEP BEEP!
One day a little boy comes downstairs for breakfast and asks his
grandma wheres mom and dad? The grandma say “There still in
bed”. The little boy laughs eats his breakfast and goes outside
and plays. He comes back in at lunch and asks wheres mom and
dad? The grandma says “There still in bed”. THe little boy
laughs eats his lunch and goes outside and plays. He comes back
in at dinner time and asks his grandma wheres mom and dad? The
grandmas says “There still in bed”. So the little boy laughs,
and his grandma asks “Why do u laugh every time I tell u there
still in bed?” The little boy says “Well, last night dad came
in my room and woke me up and asked me if he could have the
vaseline and I gave him superglue instead.”
Two Polish truck drivers are barreling along when they come up to an overpass. A sign says, “Clearance: 11″2′.” So they get out, measure their truck, and realize that it’s 11″6′.
So the first Polak looks at the second Polak and says, “I don’t see any cops around….let’s go for it!”
Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam’s chair.
They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face. Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs.
A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.
But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, he’s finally had enough, knowing that he can’t do much without them functioning well.
“I’m going back home!” he tells the Iraqi. “We’ll finish these talks in two weeks!”
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clinton’s chair and prepares himself for the Yank’s revenge.
They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
“Forget this,” says Saddam. “I’m going back to Baghdad!”
Clinton says through tears of laughter, “What Baghdad?”
Dictionary of Evaluation Comments Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out. AVERAGE: Not too bright. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date. ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.
Kalie and Zoes rules of dating.
Before getting together
1. Make your feelings clear, once you’ve made a statement of
this, do NOT change your mind or screw the person about.
2. You are not allowed to say I love you and then a week later
say no i dont, if youre not sure whether the feelings will last
dont say it in the first place.
3. Confide only in close friends that you can trust, so that if
it gets out about who you fancy/love neither of you is
embarrased.
4. Do not go further with a person and say that you think a
relationship will come of it, and then when stuff has happenned
say you dont want a relationship with the person in question.
There once was a man called Johnny that lost one of his
testicles in war so people called him Johnny one ball. So Johnny
made a promise to himself that the next person that called him
Johnny one ball he would shag until they died. So while walking
down the street a blonde shouted out “well Johnny one ball” so
Johnny went over and shagged her until she died. The next day on
his way to the shop a brunette shouted out ” well Johnny one
ball” so he went over and shagged her and shagged her but she
wouldn’t die. So what’s the moral of the story? You can’t kill
two birds with one stone.
This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, “Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you’re bouncing up and down on him.”
His mom is taken by surprise and says, “Oh… well…ah….well I’m bouncing on his stomach because he’s fat and that makes him thin again.”
And the boy says, “Well, that won’t work!”
His mom says, “Why?!?”
And the boy replies, “Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!”