Hab�a una vez dos hermanas

Hab�a una vez dos hermanas mellizas de 85 a�os, Elda y Pocha, que viv�an juntas y fueron v�ctimas de un robo en su domicilio. Estando en la seccional policial el polic�a les iba a tomar declaraci�n sobre los hechos ocurridos. Empez� Pocha dici�ndole la polic�a:

“�Nos han robado $1000!”

Pero Elda la interrumpe:

“�No te olvides de decirle que nos quisieron envenenar!”

“No, espere, ya le vamos a tomar declaracion a usted”, dijo el polic�a.

Sigue Pocha:

“�Nos robaron el televisor!”

Interrumpe Elda:

“�Decile, decile que nos quer�an envenenar!”

“�Espere un momento por favor! Ya le vamos a tomar declaracion a usted”, dijo el polic�a.

Pocha continua:

“�Nos robaron las joyas!”

Otra vez interrumpe Elda:

“�Decile Pocha que nos quer�an envenenar!”

El Polic�a, cansado ante tantas interrupciones decide escuchar a Elda:

“A veeer se�ora… su declaraci�n…”

Y Elda le dice:

“�Si! Nos quer�an envenenar porque un ladr�n le dec�a al otro a cada rato: �qu� te parece si a estas dos viejitas les hechamos un POLVITO?”

Redneck quickies 19

You might be a redneck if…

Your `huntin dawg’ cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.

Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

You have the taxidermist’s number on speed-dial.

You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

You’ve been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.

You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.

There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

What Is Politics?

Son: dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?
Father: sure, son. What�s the question?
Son: what is politics?
Father: well, let’s take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let’s
call me �Tony Blair.� your mother is the administrator of money, so we’ll call
her �Gordon brown.� we take care of your needs, so we’ll call you �the people.�
we’ll call the maid �the working class,� and your baby brother we can call �the
future.� do you understand, son?
Son: I�m not really sure, dad. I�ll have to think about it.
That night, awakened by his baby brother’s crying, the boy went to see what
was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy
went to his parents’ room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the
maid’s room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with
the maid. The boy’s knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid,
so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he
reported to his father.
Son: dad, now I think I understand what politics is.
Father: good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?
Son: well, dad, while Tony Blair is screwing the working class, Gordon brown
is sound asleep, the people are being completely ignored and the future is full
of s***.

Firestone slogans

Top TEN Rejected Slogans for Firestone Tires

10. Safer than a Russian sub.

9. Because there’s a lot riding on your lawsuit.

8. Better than driving around on your axles, right?

7. Pop a set on your car today.

6. C’mon, did you really expect good tires on a new Ford?

5. Reinforcing the importance of the speed limit.

4. Hey, it’s not like we crashed our blimp or something.

3. Best Blow Job In Town’

2. You can’t recall a better tire.

And the number one rejected slogan for Firestone tires:

1. The perfect gift for your mother-in-law.

Dilbert’s Words of Wisdom

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn’t looking good either. 2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. 3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? 4. I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode. 5. Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. 6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. 7. Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it. 8. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue. 9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he/she isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again. 10. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. 11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, ”Where the heck is the ceiling?!” 12. My Reality Check, bounced. 13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.14. I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier. 15. You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. 16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, ‘cuz, like you they are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. 17. Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Anal Deoderant?

A blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the clerk if they have any anal
deoderant. Puzzled, the clerk replies that the store has never carried
such a product. The blonde protests and insists that she bought a stick of
it three weeks ago. The clerk goes and checks the stock, then comes back
saying they don’t carry anything resembling anal deoderant. He asks the
blonde to come back tomorrow with whatever it was she bought. Sure enough,
the next day the blonde walks into the drugstore and hands the clerk a
stick of deoderant. He turns it around, examining it, and demands to know
why she thought it was anal deoderant, as it is clearly marked as the
underarm variety. The blonde points to a label on the dial, reading, “Push
up bottom to use.”

Un yanqui y un ruso

Un yanqui y un ruso se encuentran en un bar de mala muerte. Media hora despu�s, empiezan a discutir por un l�o de faldas y el americano lanza un reto al ruso.

El ruso permanece a la expectativa. De improviso, el gringo se le queda mirando fijamente a los ojos, acerca la mano a su bragueta y mediante un movimiento de arriba abajo, descubrir a trav�s de la bragueta un enorme falo de m�s de 50 cm de largo, dejando asomar por ambos lados de aquel inmenso aparato dos enormes test�culos.

Con una sonrisa maliciosa, el norteamericano indica:

“Bill… B�falo Bill”.

Con indiferencia, el ruso dirige la mano derecha hacia su bragueta y, con igual movimiento de arriba abajo, saca dos enormes miembros de casi 50 cm cada uno y �tres test�culos!, a la vez que le responde al gringo con una sonrisa burlona y sat�rica:

“Byl… �Chernobyl!”

Redneck quickies 1

You might be a redneck if…

More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

You’ve ever lost a loved one to kudzu.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

You’ve ever used lard in bed.

Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

You’ve ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame

Indian To Rescue

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down.

An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, “Yahoo!” and rode off.

“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” asked the service station attendant.

“Nothing,” shrugged the woman, “I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.”

“Lady” the attendant said, “Indians ride bareback….

Jonah’s Fate

A little girl spoke to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl said, “But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale.” Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. “It is physically impossible!” she said. Undaunted, the little girl said, “Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.” To this, the teacher said, “What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then YOU ask him!”