Author: admin

Planet of the Apes:

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* Silicon-enhanced chests and lips reveal that humans are not only “as innovative as they are cruel,” but pretty vain as well.* Wahlberg’s neglect in removing his shirt through the entire film reveals his kinship with the teen demographic: BACKNE SUFFERERS.* Fox Marketing Department determined that the ideal garment for a young ape’s human pet is a peach-colored dress.* All inflamed baboon buttocks in the film were edited out.* Most extras were actually disgruntled gorillas out of work since the movie “Congo.”* Kris Kristofferson’s surly acting style is a result of the neverending pain of “Millenium”s failure at the box office. * The imagery of the Ape armys red tents taken straight from biblical writings dealing with how women were separated from the tribe during their periods. (Charlton Hestons idea.)* Helena Bonham Carter’s clothing came under-budget through some seamstress’ creativity and Rue McClanahan’s wardrobe. Her wildly trendy haircut however, accounted for %15 of the films budget.* According to ape acting union, the “Ape” Lincoln Memorial had to be scrubbed down with monkey feces in order to get rid of foul human odor.

10 Fun Things To Do At a Nursing Home

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1.Throw a suprise party for a man turning 90.
2.Feed them pepperoni pizza abd soda at lunch.
3.Start an orge at 8:00 at night.
4.Make them watch Temtaion Island.
5.Give them all Gameboys.
6.Put Huge Hefner in there den.
7.Put Comedy Central in there television.
8.Get Chris Rock to do comunity service.
9.Tell the men to double there viagra dose.
10.Play hardcore gangster rap music while they are sleeping.

From South Dakota

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A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old man. Above the old man was a sign that read, “$5.00 – If I can’t tell you where you’re from, I’ll pay you $50.00!”The young man watched a cowboy approach the old man and ask, “Is the sign right?”The man says, “Yes.” The cowboy hands him a five and says, “You’re on!”The old man looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly states, “You’re from Wyoming.”The cowboy shakes his head and says, “I’ll be darned! You’re right!” and strolls away.A second cowboy approaches the old man and goes through the same routine.Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the old man looks him up and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots. The old man says, “You’re from Montana!”The cowboy, dejected, walks away.The young man decides he’s going to give the old man a run for the money. He goes into the mensroom, takes his boots off, scrubs them, dries them off and puts on a coat of polish. He walks up to the old man, hands over a five dollar bill and says, “Do your stuff!”The old man looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be befuddled. The young man is now thinking he’s gone one up on the old geezer. Finally, the old man says, “You’re from South Dakota!”The young man gets really upset and can’t for the life of him figure out how the old guy could know that, so he asks, “How in the world did you know I’m from South Dakota?”The old man replies, “By the wool on your zipper!”

Bill Gates And God

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Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker.

The supreme deity turned to Al and said, “Tell me what is important about yourself.”

Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth’s ecological system was most important.

God looked to Al and said, “I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand.”

God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most.

Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important.

God responded, “I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand.”

God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly, and asked, “What is your problem Bill Gates?”

Bill responded, “I think you are sitting in my chair.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

Year 2000 Diddy

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Sung to the tune of “Gilligan’s Island”:

Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale
Of the doom that is our fate,
That started when programmers used
Two digits for a date,
Two digits for a date.

Main memory was smaller then;
Hard disks were smaller, too.
“Four digits are extravagant,
So let’s get by with two,
So let’s get by with two.”

“This works through 1999,”
The programmers did say.
“Unless we rewrite before that
It all will go away,
It all will go away.”

But management had not a clue:
“It works fine now, you bet!
A rewrite is a straight expense;
We won’t do it just yet,
We won’t do it just yet.”

Now when two thousand rolls around
It all goes straight to hell,
For zero’s less than ninety-nine,
As anyone can tell,
As anyone can tell.

The mail won’t bring your pension check.
It won’t be sent to you
When you’re no longer sixty-eight,
But minus thirty-two,
But minus thirty-two.

The problems we’re about to face
Are frightening, for sure.
And reading every line of code’s
The only certain cure,
The only certain cure.

There’s not much time, there’s too much code,
(And COBOL-coders, few).
When the century is finished with,
We may be finished, too,
We may be finished, too.

The way to get the time we need
I now propose to you:
A Daylight Savings decade,
Or maybe even two,
Or maybe even two.

Eight thousand years from now I hope
That things weren’t left too late,
And people aren’t lamenting
Four digits for a date,
Four digits for a date!

Doctor Bumblings!

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Actual writings on hospital charts by Doctors:

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert butforgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.