What’s a man’s worst nightmare?
1) The Super Bowl is pre-empted by a soap opera.
2) His wife has amnesia and forgets how to cook so he has to.
3) A female boss.
4) He has to ask his wife for money.
Author: admin
En una llanura sin espesura
En una llanura sin espesura surgen tres personajes que son: el diablo, el arc�ngel San Miguel, y un viejo pastor:
Sale el diablo padrotamente vestido de rojo, diciendo:
“Yo por estos montes diviso gente acostada. �Qui�n hijos de la chingada habit�is en estos montes?”
Un viejo pastor al escucharlo, le contesta:
“Yo soy el viejo pastor, que las monta�as albergan y no me importa que seas el diablo: a m� me pelas la verga.”
El diablo, enojado, responde:
“�C�llese, escuincle grit�n, no le hable as� a su padre! �Qu�tese lo valent�n, y v�yase a chingar a su madre!”
Contesta el viejo pastor:
“En verdad que eres infante y no le temo al fuerte rojo. No me importa que seas el diablo: �Yo a los diablos me los cojo!”
El diablo enfurecido se abalanza para agarrarlo a punta de chingadazos cuando, de repente, surge (�qui�n, si no?) �El arc�ngel San Miguel!
“�Detente Sat�n maldito! �No abuses de tu poder! Que si a este pendejo quieres joder, �a m� me pelas el pito!”
El diablo queda perplejo con la aparici�n y se dice para si:
“Este pinche pastor me apantalla y hasta me hace ver visiones. Le voy a poner en su madre y a bajarle los calzones.”
A lo que el arc�ngel San Miguel contesta:
“�Ninguna visi�n, cabr�n, del meritito cielo vengo, y con esta verga que tengo, te voy a dejar panz�n!”
Los dos se enfrentan en cruenta batalla, donde surgen cocolazos, fregadazos y guamazos. Al final, el diablo todo madreado, le dice al arc�ngel:
“�Venciste, Miguel, venciste! Guarda ya tu larga espada; ahora s� que me venciste y me voy a la chingada.”
Entre porras y rechiflas se cierra el tel�n. Si esta obra te gust�, r�ete no seas cabr�n. Y si despu�s de la o�da no te gust� la puntada… como dice San Miguel:
“�Vete mucho a la chingada!”
Grand Theft Auto
What do you call a white man pushing a car?
White Power
What do you call a black man pushing a car?
Black Power
What do you call a mexican man pushing a car?
Grand Theft Auto
New Chat Room Abbreviations
Abbreviation #1: whrthfckuben? Previously long phrase: “Goodness, it’s been a long time since we’ve chatted, hasn’t it?” Abbreviation #2: utypliksht Previously long phrase: “Say, have you heard that there is a new Evelyn Wood’s speed-typing course?” Abbreviation #3: ugoturhdupyrass? Previously long phrase: “Are you sure about that?” Abbreviation #4: sowenugtoutofjail? Previously long phrase: “So, what have you been up to lately, Bugs?” Abbreviation #5: tkurabbrevsandshuvem Previously long phrase: “Wouldn’t you rather just type the whole phrase out?”—Editor’s Note: Sound ’em out…
Satellite Pictures
Yo mama is so fat, that the only pictures you have of her are
satellite pictures.
Are You Sure?
Drinking A completely inebriated man was stumbling down
the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the
gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, pal.
You’re obviously drunk.”
Our wasted friend asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure
I’m drunk?”
Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, “Thank goodness, I
thought I was a cripple.”
…Getting Deodorant
She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk “I need to buy some deodorant for my husband.”
“Does he use the ball kind?” enquired the clerk.
“No,” replied the blonde, “The kind for under his arms.”
Blondy
A blonde, burnette, and a redhead are being exacuted. The burnette is first, so the cops say “ready!…aim!””…and then the burnette yells “”Earthqauke!”” and the cops turn around and she runs. Then the redhead goes next and the cops say “”ready!…aim!..
and the readhead yells “”Tornado!”” and the she runs away. Then the blonde is next and the cops say ready!…aim!…and the blonde yells “”FIRE!”” and you know what happends next.
“
Do employees of the Lipton
Do employees of the Lipton Tea company take coffee breaks?
The Top 15 Signs You Have a Gambling Problem
15. Your attempt to sweet-talk your wife by comparing her eyes to “two oranges and a cherry” fails dismally.
14. Who knew you’d lose your shirt betting Bruce would go bald before Demi?
13. It’s not that you bet on the Australians to win; it’s that you bet on the America’s Cup in the first place!
12. You wagered against Ellen being gay… Double or nothing on Wolfe Blitzer!
11. Ceasar’s Palace sends a limo to pick you up – and you live in Bushville, Indiana.
10. Although uncredited, you were in more scenes of “Leaving Las Vegas” than Nicolas Cage.
9. Strong desire to have sex with Keith Richards and/or Courtney Love.
8. Every night during “Wheel of Fortune,” you scream, “Screw the vowels, spin the damn wheel!!”
7. You bet “yes” on whether or not your suicide attempt will be successful.
6. Every year you have to get a goofy haircut because you lose the bet about being elected into the Baseball Hall of Fame.
5. You’re the proud inventor of a do-it-yourself gold filling extractor.
4. When your 12-year old complains about conditions in the mines, you retort, “Try slaving over a hot craps table all day, kid!”
3. That stack of lottery tickets in your shirt pocket is thick enough to stop a bullet.
2. Donald’s newest casino: The Trump Taj MaLarry.
Your name: Larry.
1. When someone spins a lazy Susan, you slap a C-note on the counter and yell, “Creamed corn, baby, come on!”
[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]Fix This
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife
interrupts, “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway?
It’s been flickering for weeks now.”
He looks at her and says angrily, “Fix the light? Now? Does
it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I
don’t think so.”
“Well, then could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close
right.”
To which he replied, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look
like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don’t
think so.”
“Fine,” she says, “Then could you at least fix the steps to
the front door? They’re about to break.”
“I’m not a damn carpenter and I don’t want to fix the
steps,” he says. “Does it look like I have Ace Hardware
written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough
of you. I’m going to the bar!”
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He
starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and
decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the
house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters
the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to
get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. “Honey,
how’d this all get fixed?”
She said, “Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.
Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I
told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had
to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake.”
He said, “So, what kind of cake did you bake him?”
She replied, “Hellooooo… Do you see Betty Crocker written
on my forehead?”
Women Driver
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”
Flattered, the man replied, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely!” This must be a sign from God!” The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”