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Dolly and the Queen in Heaven

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before the angel to find out if they’ll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in.

The angel asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she should go to heaven, whereupon she takes off her top and says, “Look at these. They’re the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”

The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. The angel says, “OK, Your Majesty, you may go in”.

Dolly is outraged. “What was that all about? I show you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turn me down. She performs a rude act of hygiene and she gets in. Can you explain that to me?”

“Sorry, Dolly,” says the angel, ” but even in heaven, a royal flush beats two of a kind.

The top ten signs that someone is using your e-mail account

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10. “Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?”9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.8. Apparently, your flame war with [email protected] is about to turn ugly.7. When you log on, your computer says “You’ve got lawsuits!”6. You’re suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.5. Sotheby’s says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.3. Terse “Knock it off, Oedipus” e-mail from your Mom.2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.1. “The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately.”

Vacuum Salesman

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A vaccumm salesman walks to a house and knocks on the door. As
soon as a lady answers the door, the man throws cow dung all
over the carpet. He then says, “If this vaccum does not clean it
completely and perform miracles, then I myself will eat the
patties.”

There is a long pause….

The lady half laughing asks, “Do you want a ketchup or mustard
on that?”

Puzzled the man asks, “What? Why?”

She says, laughing, “We just moved in and our electricity is not
turn on yet.”

Greenhorn In Alaska

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A greenhorn visiting Alaska was talking to two old sourdoughs. They informed him he was a cheechako. The greenhorn asked how he could become a sourdough.

The two sourdoughs winked at each other, and told him he had to do three things. First, he had to pee in the Yukon River. Second, he had to wrestle with a grizzly bear. And last, he had to make love to an Athabascan Indian woman.

“No problem,” said the cheechako, and off he went. He hired himself a guide, and soon had dispatched his first duty. Then they found the grizzly bear.

The cheechako chased the bear into a cave. The most awful roaring and screaming emitted from that cave, along with blood and fur.

Finally, the cheechako staggers out of the cave. “Okay,” he said to the guide. “Where’s that Indian woman I’m supposed to wrassle!”

En una fiesta de barrio,

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En una fiesta de barrio, un grupito de �eros se enfrentan con un problema de conciencia.

“��ndale, an�mate y ve a sacar a bailar a la gorda para que nosotros saquemos a sus amigas!”, suplica uno de ellos.

“Ah, chinga, chinga! �Y yo por qu�? S�cala t�, o t�…”

“No, mejor que la saque �ste”.

En esas est�n, sin ponerse de acuerdo, cuando llega el que se las daba de m�s carita del grupo y les pregunta:

“�Qu� pasa? �Qu� andan haciendo?”

“Nada, pos aqu� que no nos ponemos de acuerdo para ver quien saca a la gorda…”

“S� quieren la saco yo”, dice con aire de suficiencia.

“�En serio, mi buen, �rale pues!”

El galancete cruza por en medio de la pista y llega hasta la mesa donde estaban la gorda y sus amigas. Sin contemplaciones se dirige a la gorda:

“��rale, pinche gorda, a la chingada! �Para afuera!”