It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy’s horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.”Hold on there, partner,” said the snake, “don’t shoot – I’m an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don’t shoot me, I’ll give you any three wishes you want.”The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake’s striking range. He said, “OK, first, I’d like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I’d like a body like Arnold Schwarzenagger, and finally, I’d like sexual equipment like this horse I’m, riding.”The rattlesnake said, “All right, when you get back to the bunk house you’ll have all three wishes.”The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenagger’s.Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, “My God, I forgot I was riding the Mare!”.
Author: admin
Bad cop
How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one, but he’s never around when you need it done.
Programmer on plane
A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an air plane.
The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game.
The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep.
The Programmer persists and explains that it’s a real easy game. He explains,”I ask a question and if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don’t know the answer I’ll pay you $5.”
Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.
The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, “O.K., if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don’t know the answer I pay you $50! “
Now, that got the Engineer’s attention, so he agrees to the game.
The Programmer asks the first question, “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
Then Engineer doesn’t say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.
Now, its the Engineer’s turn. He asks the Programmer,”What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?”
The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50.
The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.
The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, “Well what’s the answer to the question?”
Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep
Bad dog
Q) What do you call a dog with no legs?
A) It doesn’t matter, he won’t come!
Paki
What do you call a paki in a microwave when its ready, bud bud ding!!!!!!!!
Twice a week!
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other’s throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counselor’s office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
“What seems to be the problem?”
The wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, “Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!”
The husband scratched his head and replied…
“I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”
Special Apples
A man walks in to the U.S. Patent Office with a sack of apples.
“I’d like to patent these apples,” he says to the patent clerk.
The clerk tells him, “You can’t patent apples, silly!”
The man says, “But these are special apples. There are none like
these in the world!”
Curious, the clerk asks him if he can taste one of the apples.
He reaches into his sack, pulls one out and gives it to the
clerk, who promptly takes a bite. “Wow! This tastes just like a
grapefruit!”
The man smiles and says to the clerk, “turn it over.”
The clerk takes a bite out of the other side of the apple and
exclaims “Man! That tastes just like an orange! What else do you
have in there?”
The man gives him another one and the clerk bites into it. “How
do you do this? This one tastes just like a pear!” Says the
clerk.
“Turn it over”, says the man again.
“Holy Cow, this side tastes like watermelon!”
Then the clerk leans in close to the man and whispers, “Hey
buddy, do you have any apples in there that taste like pussy?”
The man reaches into his sack again, pulls out another apple,
and hands it to the clerk. After taking a bite, the clerk starts
spitting the apple back out as fast as he can.
“Hey jerk,” yells the clerk, “This tastes just like shit!”
The man smiles and says… “Turn it over!”
The Bulge..
Martin was a new kid at school. He walked up to his new friend James, crying “Hey what’s wrong man?” asked James “None of the girls here like me.” Martin said James decides to help out.”I’ll tell you what to do Martin… wear some tracksuit bottoms, and shove a potato into it so you’ll have a big bulge in it… then go walk by the girls… then check out how they’ll love ya!!” The next day Martin comes in again Crying, “What’s wrong now Martin?” James asks “Well, I did what you said, but the girls just laughed at me, and made fun of me.” He remarked.”For Goodness Sakes Martin, you were supposed to put the Potato in the FRONT!!!!”
Blind Fight
One day two blind men started fighting.
Pretty soon a crowd surrounded them.
Then one of the members of the crowd yelled out “I bet 10 bucks on the one with the knife.”
Both men ran away.
Bar jokes
how do you kill a dunk blond
Defining the Americans
We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car. We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs. We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won’t buy a car if it can’t go over 100 miles an hour. Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes. We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don’t know half the words in the “Star Spangled Banner”. We’ll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time. We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild. We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm. In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business. We are the only people in the world who will pay $.50 to park our car while eating a $.25 sandwhich. We’re the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it. We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with our yearning power. We’re supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can’t deliver payrolls without an armored car.We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.
I didn’t get any money this time
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?” “My mother died in August,” he said, “and left me $25,000.” “Gee, that’s tough,” he replied. “Then in September,” the friend continued, “My father died, leaving me $90,000.” “Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.” “And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.” “Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.” “Then this month,” continued, the friend, “absolutely nothing!”