Un d�a el coronel le

Un d�a el coronel le dice al comandante: “Ma�ana a las nueve y media habr� un eclipse de sol, hecho que no ocurre todos los d�as. Que formen los soldados en el patio, en traje de campa�a, para presenciar el fen�meno. Yo les dar� las explicaciones necesarias. En caso de que llueva, que formen en el gimnasio.

“A sus �rdenes mi coronel.”

El comandante da la orden al capit�n y le dice: “Por orden del se�or coronel, ma�ana, a las nueve y media, habr� un eclipse de sol. Seg�n el se�or coronel si llueve no se ver� nada al aire libre; entonces, en traje de campa�a, el eclipse tendr� lugar en el gimnasio, hecho que no ocurre todos los d�as.”

“A sus �rdenes mi comandante.”

Y el capit�n le dice al teniente: “Por orden del se�or coronel, ma�ana, a las nueve y media, inauguraci�n del eclipse de sol en el gimnasio. El se�or coronel dar� las �rdenes oportunas de si debe llover, hecho que no ocurre todos los d�as. Si hace buen tiempo, el eclipse tendr� lugar en el patio.”

“A sus �rdenes mi capit�n.”

M�s tarde, el teniente le dice al sargento: “Ma�ana, a las nueve y media, por orden del se�or coronel, llover� en el patio del cuartel. El se�or coronel, en traje de campa�a, dar� las �rdenes en el gimnasio para que el eclipse se celebre en el patio.”

“A sus �rdenes mi teniente.”

Seguidamente, el sargento le dice al cabo: “Ma�ana, a las nueve y media, tendr� lugar el eclipse del se�or coronel en traje de campa�a por efecto del sol. Si llueve en el gimnasio, hecho que no ocurre todos los d�as, se saldr� al patio.

“A sus �rdenes mi sargento.”

Finalmente, el cabo se dirige a los soldados: “Ma�ana, a eso de las nueve y media, parece ser que el sol eclipsar� al se�or coronel en el gimnasio. L�stima que esto no ocurra todos los d�as.”

Mental Health Hotline

Hello! Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline!

If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly, being certain to
touch the table and counting to 10 between each press.

If you are Co-Dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the
line so we can trace your call.

If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the
Mother Ship.

If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are Manic-Depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press
since no one will answer.

If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button
until a representative comes on the line.

If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number,
date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s and
grandmother’s maiden names.

If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press
911.

If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or
before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, please try your call again later.

If you have Low Self Esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are
too busy to help worthless people like you.

And thank you for calling the Mental Health Hotline!

Top 10 signs of a bad christmas tree.

Top 10 signs you bought a bad christmas tree:

10. Two feet tall, forty feet wide

9. Salesman’s opening line: “You’re not a cop, are you?”

8. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers stuck into it

7. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride

6. Each branch has “Duraflame” printed on it

5. Keeps heckling while you try to do a lame top ten list

4. It’s very small and says “Air Freshener” on it

3. Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours

2. Some guy named Mujibur puts a cheap Statue of Liberty on top of it

1. Constantly bragging about its “trunk size”

You Seen Your Wife?

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheque.When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.”How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”To which he replied.”That would be fine with me.”Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Answer This Question

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn’t have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, “How many grains of sand are in the beach?” Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, “How many stars are in the sky?” and again no one could answer.

Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag.

At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, “Here’s this week’s question,” Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says, ” Okay, who’s the comedian with the black balls?”
Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, “Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!”

4th Husband

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

“How wonderful! But I hope you don’t mind me asking what happened to your first husband?”

“He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”

“Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?”

“He ate poisonous mushrooms, too, and died.”

“Oh, how terrible! I’m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.”

“He died of a broken neck.”

“A broken neck?”

“He wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”

Arnie and jackson

Michael Jackson and Arnold Schwarzenegger are in an airplane. There are lots of kids on the plane with them.
Suddenly an engine catches fire. The plane is going to crash. Realising this, Arnie and Michael grab the only two parachutes on the plane.

“What about the kids?” asks Michael

“F**k the kids” Arnie replies

Michael thinks for a moment and says

“Do you think we have time?”

I dare you to challenge me in a insult joke off

You look like Woopie and Chris Rock
Yo breath smells like you threw up in yo stomach
Your feet look like curly fries
Your rottin toes look like fossels
you so fat, i bet we look like food to you
yo berath smells so bad you need a mint in yo stomach
you got robbed cause they thought yo yellow teeth were gold nuggets
yo head is so big , you are ahead of yo time
your phone is so big it looks like a VCR .

Un mago de crucero se

Un mago de crucero se sube a un autob�s que va llen�simo. La gente, cansada, se dirig�a a sus casas en tanto el mago gritaba:

“Se�ores y se�oras, voy a hacer un truco de magia”.

Nadie le hac�a caso al mago, mientras �ste aparec�a un ramo de flores. Entonces, enojado, el mago amenaza:

“Voy a hacer que se levante este autob�s. Uno, dos, tres…”

Y el cami�n comienza a elevarse lentamente. La gente, asustada, le suplica:

“B�jalo, por favor”.

“No que no me cre�an. Si quieren que el autob�s baje, todos soplen”.

Todos los pasajeros soplan, y el veh�culo comenienza a bajar.

Asombrado, el p�blico le pide otro truco. El mago acepta diciendo:

“Miren a ese viejito, voy a hacer que se le pare la perinola. Uno, dos, tres…”

Y al anciano se le para la perinola.

“Ohhhh”, exclama el auditorio.

Entonces, emocionado, el anciano advierte:

“�Chingue a su madre el que sople, cabrones!”