Author: admin

Senior’s Thoughts (Classic)

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What are seniors worth anyway? They are worth a fortune, with all the silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys and lead in their feet.

Well I have become a little older since I saw you last and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become quitea frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. I immediately go to see John.

After that Charlie Horse comes along, and he really takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays for the rest of the day. However, he doesn’t like to stay in one place very long, so he just takes me from joint to joint. Finally after such a busy tiring day, I’m really glad to be able to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life!!

P.S. The preacher came by the other day. He said at my age, I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him, ‘Oh I do all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen or down in the basement, I ask myself…”What am I here after?”

Underage?

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A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in Arkansas, when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.”Say, how old are you anyway?”the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing.”Thirteen,” she replied with a shy smile.”Thirteen ??? My God, girl !!! You get those clothes back on at once at get the hell outta here ! Are you crazy ?”he thundered.Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, “Superstitious, huh ?”

Troubleshooting Your New Stereo

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P. Harris Problem Probable Cause Remedy———————————————————————Does not work Power plug in hand Place plug in socket and turn socket onNot turned on Turned off Turn on.Still does not work Bought it from Tandy Take it back and get a real stereo.Lights up but no No speakers Buy some speakers.soundStill no sound Volume set to zero Set volume to ten.Too much sound Volume set to ten Set volume to three.Raucous hiss Radio turned on and Turn radio off, place no aerial record on deck, place stylus on record.Sounds too slow HMV 78 written on record Discard record, replace with `Hells Bells’ by ACDC set volume to ten, place stylus on record.Can’t hear anything Gone deaf turn stereo off and or learn to say `eh?’Don’t understand Stupidity Turn stereo off, buywhat all the lights gramophone and retrieveare for HMV 78.Record a little Record is a CD If it cost over 10small and hole too pound send it to mebig for spindle else check for CD player on stereo if there is one, insert into CD player and set volume to ten.No CD player Not buying a CD player Buy a CD player or stop buying CDs.Too noisy CD playing and volume Set volume to three. set to tenCDs don’t fit in Haven’t got a car CD Buy car CD player,car stereo player place CD in player and set volume to ten.Car speakers broken Volume of car CD player Take CD player back to set too high shop – it would have been stolen anyway!CDs don’t fit in car Car stereo only plays Tape CDs.stereo tapesDon’t understand the a) Stupid Turn stereo off, buyautomatic sequencing gramophone andcompact disk, magnetic retrieve HMV 78.media instant audiotransposition mega b) Normal Nor does anyone elsewacko editing just do it by handcommands like you used to.Reel to reel tapes You’re still wearing Remove flares anddon’t fit in tape purple flares reel to reel tape.deck Attatch sign saying `Outdated Hippy’ to forehead, place Tchaikovsky’s 1812 overture in CD player skip first 6 minutes place head between speakers and set volume to ten.Profound deafness Placing head between None.with persistent speakers with volume settinilus to ten whilst listening cannon detonations.Other ProblemsDoes not show Not a television Buy sex pistols albumCoronation Street place on deck, place stylus on record and set volume to ten.Neighbour beats head Constant annoyance with Go to hospital andin with a brick loud music learn to eat through a straw.Stereo not where Stereo has been stolen Call Police and oryou left it or repossesed by bailiffs pay Poll tax demand.Records, tapes and Stereo is a microwave Place egg in microwaveCDs melt during play, rip glass and metalonly a buzz comes grille from door lookfrom stereo inside and turn on.Egg on face Stupidity None.Stereo not good Stereo not girlfriend Unplug girlfriendin bed from mains and take tape from her lips. Plug in Stereo and turn on girlfriend.Pressing space bar Bought typewriter Slam head in fridgecauses a little door.click, but doesnot play recentlypurchased PaulSimon albumLight in fridge Door not shutting Slam Harder!does not go out completely

Not MY Child

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A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter’s swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, “Your daughter is pregnant.”

The mother turned red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex before marriage.

The doctor faced the window and silently looked out to the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, “Quit looking out the window! Aren’t you paying attention to me?”

“Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma’am. It’s just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they’d show up again and confirm this very rare immaculate conception.

Overworked

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For a couple years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood, but now I found out the real reason:

I’m tired because I’m overworked.

Here’s why:

The population of the USA is about 273 million.

140 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces.

Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals,

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do all the work.

You and me, and you’re sitting on your rear, at your computer, reading jokes!

Got the brains

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The patient’s family gathered to hear what the specialist had to say. ‘Things don’t look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.”Well, how much does a brain cost?’ asked the relatives. ‘For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000.’Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient’s daughter was unsatisfied and asked, ‘Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?”A standard pricing practice,’ said the head of the team. ‘Women’s brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used.’

A pipe

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A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived,
unpacked his tools, did some mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and
handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed “this is ridiculous, I
don’t even make this much money!” The plumber replied, “Neither did I when I was
a doctor”.

Lawyer’s personal injury

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A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.”I’m an attorney,” the wincing man said, “and this is going to cost you $5000.””I’m sorry, I’m really sorry,” the concerned golfer replied. “But I did yell ‘fore’.””I’ll take it,” the attorney said.