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A Dose of HMO’s Own Medicine

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A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an HMO have all died and are in
line together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter speaks with them and asks what good
each has done in their life.
Doctor: ”I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in
caring for, and healing thousands of poor people.”
St. Peter: ”That’s great. Go ahead in to heaven. And what about you, dear?”

Nurse: ”I’ve supported the good doctor and his patients my entire life as an
adult.”
St. Peter: ”Wonderful. Please proceed in with the doctor. And what about
you?”
Health Maintenance Organization Director: ”I was the president of a very
large HMO and was responsible for the healthcare of millions of people all over
the country.”
St. Peter: ”Oh, I see. Please go in…But you can only stay two nights!”

Universal Grade Change Form

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University: ______________________
To: Professor____________________
From:___________________________
I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:

__1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.

__2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.

__3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won’t get into:
______Medical School ______Graduate School
______Dental School ______My Fraternity/Sorority
______The Mickey Mouse Club ______Tri County Tech

__4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in: _______________.

__5. I’ll lose my scholarship.

__6. I’m on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn’t find a copy of your exam.

__7. I didn’t come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.

__8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.

__9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.

__10. You are prejudiced against:
____Males
____Jews
____Blacks
____Females
____Catholics
____Whites
____Protestants
____Moslems
____Minorities
____Chicanos
____People
____Students

__11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.

__12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:
____mono
____broken baby finger
____acute alcoholism
____pregnancy
____VD
____fatherhood

__13. You told us to be creative but you didn’t tell us exactly how you wanted that done.

__14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.

__15. I don’t have a reason; I just want a higher grade.

__16. The lectures were:
____too detailed to pick out important points
____not explained in sufficient detail
____too boring
____all jokes and not enough material
____all of the above

__17. This course was:
____too early, I was not awake.
____at lunchtime, I was hungry
____too late, I was tired

__18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes, paper) for this course.

__19. Other__________________________________

The businessman and the cabbie

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A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket — If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.The cabbie said, ‘If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!’ So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, ‘How much for a ride to the airport,’ he asked? ‘Fifteen bucks,’ came the reply. ‘And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?’ ‘What?! Get the hell out of my cab.’The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked ‘How much for a ride to the airport?’ The cabbie replied ‘fifteen bucks.’The businessman said ‘ok’ and off they went.Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

Hairlip paratrooper

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Halfway thru bootcamp the hairlip calls home to his buddy. Man this is tough;
the drill seargent took three of us way up in a plane. He opened the door and
told the first guy JUMP!! And the guy did. He grabbed the next guy and said
JUMP!! And he did. He looked at me and said JUMP!! I told him no I just can’t.
He pulled out his big thang and said, you jump or I�m gonna screw you with this.
My goodness said his buddy, did you jump? Well yeah said the hairlip, a little
bit right at first.

Compliment Her

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There are these two highschool boys at the prom. The first one says to the other..”My dates really hot and wants to go out to my car, but I’m afraid I’ll screw it up”His friend tells him”Don’t worry! Just compliment her. Girls love compliments.”He says ok and leaves. About 15 minutes later he returns rubbing a black eye.”What happened! Didn’t you say nice things to her?””Yea, I did, but it didn’t work.””What did you say?””When we first got in the car, we started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, they sure were sweet. She liked that. Then I started feeling her tits. I told her that for such large breasts, they sure were firm. She really liked that.Things were going really good then. I got her skirt up and panties off and told her, for such a large crack, it sure didn’t stink much. Then she hit me!”

Dunlop Rubbers

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A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.When the case came before the court, the young man was as asked why he acted in such a manner.His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read “Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins”, then she moved under one that read “Sloans Liniments remove Swelling”. I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read “William Stick Did The Trick”. Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read “Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.”He won the case.

Outrun the bear

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Two campers are walking through the forest when they suddenly encounter a grizzly bear.

The bear rears up on his hind legs and lets out a terrifying roar.

Both campers are frozen in their tracks.

The first camper whispers, “I’m sure glad I wore my running shoes today.”

“It doesn’t matter what kind of shoes you’re wearing, you’re not gonna outrun that bear,” replies the second.

“I don’t have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun YOU,” he answers.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Hey…the same thing happened to me!

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A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.

When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork. “Who are you?” he asked.

“I’m the Devil,” she responded.

“Well, come on home with me,” he said, “I married your daughter.”