Life or Death?

One day there was a man who was walking through the forest and
got lost. He wandered around for over a week, and was beginning
to starve. He spotted a Bald Eagle who had just caught a fish
and chased it, hoping to get it to drop the fish so he could eat
it. Then he saw the bird land on a tree stump not far from him,
so he picked up a stone to toss at it–hoping the bird would be
frightened and fly away WITHOUT the fish. But, weak as he was,
his aim was off and he hit the poor bird square on the head and
killed it! “Well,” he thought to himself, “no sense letting it
go to waste, if I leave it here it will just rot, and it could
save my life if I eat it.” So, he built himself a little
fire–using a couple of stones–and cooked the eagle to eat.
While it was cooking a ranger stumbled upon the man, and when he
saw what he was up to, he immediately arrested him–because as
you know, that is quite illegal! The man told the ranger what
had happened, and asked for a trial so he could explain the
situation to a judge.

So, the day of his trial he told the judge, “Please Your Honor,
it was a life or death situation! I was lost and starving, and I
didn’t mean to harm the bird–I only wanted the fish! And when I
accidentally killed it, well, I felt terrible but couldn’t see
any reason to let it go to waste!”

The judge listened to the man’s story and deemed him, “Not
guilty, on the grounds of extenuating circumstances.”

The man was very grateful, and thanked the judge for his
fairness. Then, the judge leaned over and quietly asked the man,
“Just between you and me, what DOES a Bald Eagle taste like
anyway??”

The man comtemplated this for a moment and then spoke, “Well,
it’s kind of hard to explain… but, I would say somewhere
between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl.”

Top 10

Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN’T Say Out Loud In Victoria’s Secret:

#10 Does this come in children’s sizes?
#9 No Thanks. Just sniffing.
#8 I’ll be in the dressing room going blind.
#7 Mom will love this.
#6 Oh the size won’t matter. She’s inflatable.
#5 No need to wrap it up. I’ll eat it here.
#4 Will you model this for me???
#3 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
#2 45 bucks?? You’re just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!

And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out
loud in Victoria’s Secret:

#1 Oh, honey, you’ll never squeeze your fat ass into that.

THE DRUNK

There was a man who would come home blind drunk every night and vomit in the bathroom sink, and every night the man’s wife would warn him that someday he would puke up his guts.One day the wife cut up a chicken and left the guts in the sink, just to give him a scare. At about 3:00 a.m. the man came home and spewed in the same sink as always. About 30 minutes later, the man came out of the bathroom and said to his wife,”You were right honey, I really did puke up my guts, but don’t worry, with the help of this long wooden spoon, I managed to put them all back.”

The Top 13 Surprises During John Glenn’s Space Mission

13. New automatic shut-off on turn signals prevents endless embarrassment.

12. Constant “Who’s better — Pearl Jam or Glenn Miller?” fights.

11. “Ask Me About My Grandchildren” sticker mysteriously appears on shuttle exterior after Senator Glenn’s spacewalk.

10. Space suit re-cut to accommodate prostate swollen to grapefruit size in zero-G conditions.

9. Constantly looking at Earth from window and remarking, “Now *that* didn’t used to be there.”

8. “Help! I’ve fallen, and I can’t get down!”

7. Game of “Which Golden Girl Wouldn’t You Kick Out Of Bed?” decidedly less fun for some astronauts than others.

6. In space, no one can detect old man smell.

5. After taking Viagra in a zero-gravity environment, the orbiting Glenn can clearly be seen from Earth without the use of a telescope.

4. While others are on a space-walk, a confused Glenn yells out the window: “You damn kids stay outta my yard!”

3. Location of Senator Glenn’s space suit belt raised to just below the arm pits.

2. Friggin’ Vicks VapoRub stinks up the cabin for days.

1. Metamucil-powered “organic emergency boosters” are activated by pulling the Senator’s finger.

This list copyright 1998 by Chris White

The Top 5 List www.topfive.com

Piss Bet

A group of guys are in a bar and one of them walks up to the
bartender and bets him $500 that he can piss in a beer mug from
across the bar and not spill a drop. Considering the odds of it
the bar tender agrees to the bet and sets the mug across from
the man on the bar. The man unzipped his pants and pulled his
dick out and began to focus on the mug. He starts to pee and he
pisses all over the bar, the customers and the bartender. And
the bar tender is laughing cause he just mad $500. The bartender
says to the guy, “Where is my money?” And the guy walks back to
the table where his friends are and comes back smiling and lays
the money on the bar. The bartender is puzzled why the man was
smiling after losing $500 and asks the man, “Why are so happy
you lost the bet?” The man replies, “I might have lost the bet
with you, but I bet my budies over there $2000 that I could piss
on you, your bar, and your customers and you’d laugh about it.”

2 guys at the supermarket…

There was this 2 guys at the supermarket… They looked pretty desperate so one runs into the other one and thsi is what happens:

Guy1:Excuse me sir, im looking for my wife..
Guy1:I was wondering that maybe u have seen her around..
Guy2:Oh.. m looking for my wife too!! what does your wife look like?
Guy1:Umm well, shes blonde, tall, slim, nice ass, big titties… etc..
Guy2:Oh man, forget my wife, lets both look for yours..

Sign Your Co-Worker Is A Hacker

-Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000 phone bill.

-Has won the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes three years
running.

-When asked for their phone number, they give it in hex.

-Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

-Somehow gets HBO on their PC at work.

-Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeeez!” 295 times during the movie “The
Net.”

-Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.

-Their video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among
turn-ons.

-Instead of the “Welcome” voice on AOL, you overhear, “Good
Morning, Mr./Mrs. President.”

-You hear them murmur, “Let’s see you use that VISA card now,
Professor “I-Don’t-Give-A’s-In-Computer-Science!”

Opportunity at Dark Side Consulting Group

Position Available Immediately: Apprentice Sith Lord, Dark Side
Consulting Group

An unexpected position has opened up in the Dark Side Consulting
Group for an Apprentice Sith Lord. The ideal candidate for this
position would like galactic travel and possess a complete
understanding of and competence with the Force, or demonstrate a
willingness to learn.

Duties include: Performing competitive intelligence, hands-on
intervention in support of the Sith Master’s planning
initiatives, ability to travel the galaxy widely, and operating
a variety of laser-powered hand weapons and high-powered
space/air vehicles. Some slaying of enemies of the Dark Side is
also required, which may be performed using the Force or hand
weapons.

Qualified applicants would possess good communications skills
(especially when speaking in menacing whispers), and would be
action-oriented individuals and risk takers. A background in
study of the Force (light side or dark) is desirable, as would
typically be acquired by those with advanced degrees or
significant course work in Jedi Arts from the University of
Coruscant. Applicants should also be familiar with holographic
projection equipment, possess a valid galactic pilot’s license
(for all classes of ships), and must show a willingness to give
in to their hate. A proven track record of using fear and/or
Jedi mind tricks to control others is also desirable, as is the
ability to speak several galactic languages. Ideal candidates
for this position would also have no children or other living
relatives who are strong in the ways of the Force. (A new hire
would be given several weeks to meet this requirement.)
Compensation for this position is commensurate with experience,
and is extremely competitive for this field.

Benefits include a generous severance package, a company
starship, and a dark-colored clothingallowance. The Apprentice
Sith Lord reports to and works closely with the Sith Master, and
experience in such small, team-based organizations is vital to
the success of the master’s plans. Discretion is also highly
valued, as is the ability to see the future before it happens.

Applications will be accepted until the end of July. Transmit
them holographically to: [email protected].

*****************************************************

Dark Side CG ™ is a small and highly-focused organization,
founded a long time ago. Our core values reflect the short-term
advantages of harnessing hatred for institutional power and the
long-term desirability of controlling the galaxy. We provide
direction to our partner organizations through knowledge
management, incident control and our rapid on-site intervention
expertise. Our partnered organizations include the Imperial
Senate, the Hutt Gambling Collective of Tattooine, and many
large software companies.

Three Men

Three men were sitting on a bridge one red head one brunet and one blonde the first one said if my wife packes me ham agian im gonna comit suicide and jump off this bridge. 2 man goes if my wife packes me spagagtti agian im going to comit suicide and jump off this bridge. 3 man says if my wife pakes me salami agian im gonna comit suicdie and jump off this bridge. The next day the first one got ham his jumped off. The 2 one got spagetti and he jumped off the bridge. The 3 one got bologna and he jumped off the bridge. The 1 wife said im so sorry, the 2 wife said im so sorry, The 3 wife said don’t look at me he packes his own lunch.