Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else.
Author: admin
Poor Trash
Your mama is so poor, you sat on top of a trash can lid and your
mama said, “Hey get off the roof!”
Roly!
Roll, roll, roll the joint,
Twist it at the end,
Take a suck,
And you’ll be fucked,
Then pass it to a freind!
Panda Gets A Hooker
A panda bear picks up a hooker and they go to a cheap motel to have sex. He goes down on her for hours and she has multiple orgasms.
Afterward, while the panda bear is getting dressed the hooker sits up in bed and says I need you to pay me now. The panda just shrugs and keeps putting on his clothes.
The hooker jumps out of bed and says I need you to pay me, I am a hooker, this is what I do for a job.
The panda bear shrugs again and continues putting on his clothes. The hooker runs to her purse and pulls out a mini dictionary and looks up the word �hooker.� She shows the bear what it says: Hooker; has sex for money.
The bear smiles and flips to �Panda Bear�, and then without saying another word walks out of the room.
The hooker looks down at the definition and reads: Panda Bear; eats bushes and leaves
A guy dies and goes to the…
A guy dies and goes to the gates to be tested. Since it was a slow day for
Stupider he decided to take the guy on a tour of heaven. Stupider shows the guy
the golf course,cafeteria,bathrooms, and so on. Then finally they were going to
the last room. The guy goes in and sees a huge room of clocks. He asks Stupider
why there are so many clocks in the room. Stupider tells the guy that the clocks
show the life span of every person and once one runs out they die. The guy
thought that made since. Then he saw that some were going faster than others and
asked why. Stupider said that when a person lies their clock speeds up. The guy
thought that made since. Then as they were leaving the room the guy saw a clock
that was going really fast, so fast you could hardly keep up with it. The guy
asked Stupider ”What’s the story on that clock?”St.Peter replied”Oh, that,
that’s O.J. Simpson’s clock we use it as a fan.”
Clinton Saved from Drowning
Q: How do you keep Alec Baldwin from drowning?
A1: You take your foot off his head.
A2: Get the lead out of his ass.
A3: Chisel the concrete off his feet.
Monkeys
what dont monkeys like doing?
answer
hanging around!
Tip of the iceberg
A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day’s meeting, he called down to “I’m afraid not, sir,” the clerk told him, “but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes.”
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.
Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, “Manicures 25 cents.” “Why not?” thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a huge sign that read, “This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives – cost 50 cents.” The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his “thing” into the opening – with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for two weeks.
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his “thingy”…
Which now had a button sewed on the tip.
Yo mama so dumb…
Yo mama so dumb that on a registration sheet for sex she put “Yes, please.”
Sell their vacation homes.
Q: What did Bush suggest struggling families do to increase their income?
A: Sell their vacation homes.
The blind skydiver
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.””But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked. “I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground” he answered.”But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked. He quickly answered: “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack.”
Question and answer blonde joke
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?A: Gifted!