Going Fishing

A keen country lad applied for a salesman’s job at a city department
store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world – you could get
anything there. The boss asked him, “Have you ever been a salesman
before?”

Yes, I was a salesman in the country” said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, “You can start tomorrow and I’ll come and see you when we close up.”

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o’clock came
around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, “How many sales did you make
today?”

“One,” said the young salesman.

“Only one?” blurted the boss, “most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?”

“Three hundred thousand dollars,” said the young man.

“How did you manage that?” asked the flabbergasted boss.

“Well,” said the salesman “this man came in and I sold him a small fish
hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him
a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where
he was going fishing and he said down the coast.

I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat
department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines.
Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn’t be able to pull it, so I
took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser.”

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, “You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?”

“No,” answered the salesman “He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his
wife and I said to him, ‘Your weekend’s shot, you may as well go
fishing.'”

Port or Sherry?

A playboy, out for pleasure one evening, picked-up a well-dressed young lady at a bar and took her to his apartment. She appeared well-to-do, chic, and very intelligent.Thinking to make an impression, Mr. Playboy showed her some etchings, first editions, etc. He then offered her some wine, asking whether she preferred sherry or port.”Oh, sherry by all means!” she replied.”Sherry is like the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in this crystal-like decanter fills me with the anticipation of a heavenly thrill. When the stopper is removed and the beautiful liquid is poured into the glass and I inhale the delicious tangy aroma, I’m lifted on the wings of ecstasy. As I taste the magic potion, my whole being thrills and glows, it seems like a thousand violins throb in my ears, and I’m carried into another world.””Port, on the other hand, makes me fart.”

Miget with a lisp!

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend.

“I know this midget who wants to buy a horse. He has a slight speech impediment, so listen carefully, I’m sending him over.”

The Midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.
“A female horth,” the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. “Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?” So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse’s mouth.

“Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?” So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes. “OK, what about the earsth?”
Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears.

“OK, finally, I’d like to see her twat.” With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse’s twat, then pulls him out.

Shaking his head, the midget says, “Perhapth I should rephrase. I’d like to see her run!”

Gimme the Medical Na

The man told his doctor he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.””Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.””Okay,” said the man.”Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

Redneck Jokes Galore!

You might be a redneck if. . .

You think harass is two words.
You consider fast food hitting a deer at 65 MPH.
Every day someone comes to your house mistakingly thinking your having a yard sale.
Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
You have more dogs than the local shelter.
You consistantly receive credit card offers with a limit of $1.25.
Your postman puts rubber gloves on when the red flag is up on your mailbox.

How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, “I’ve gotta leak in my sink,” and the person at the front desk says, “Go ahead!”

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

Why did God invent armadillos?
So that rednecks can have ‘possum on the halfshell!

Definition of an Arkansas Virgin:
A girl who can run faster than her brothers.

Texas BJ

Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like were popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady.

The city-slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, “Lady, I’ll give you $10 for a blow job.”

The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city slicker on the spot.

The lady gasped and said, “Thank you, suh, for defendin’ mah honor!”

Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, “Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot from back east is gonna raise the price of a woman in Texas!”