There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, “I’m going to try to swim to shore.” So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.The second one, the redhead, said to herself, “I wonder if she made it. I guess it’s better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve.” So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.So the blonde thought to herself, “I wonder if they made it! I think I’d better try to make it, too.” So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, “I’m too tired to go on!” So she swam back.
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New To The Country
A man who had just moved out to the country decides to start a farm. He goes to one nearby and asks to buy a chicken.The farmer tells the man that they don’t call them chickens there. “We say pullets.”Then the man selects a donkey. The farmer says, “We don’t call them donkeys. Here we say, asses. And, by the way, if he ever stops on you, why just hit him a few times.” Then the man asks for one more animal. He asked for a rooster.The farmer says, “We also have a slang name for them. We call them cocks.”The man was walking home, down the road with his three new animals, when all of a sudden the donkey stops in the middle of the road. A woman is also walking down the street and he asks her if she will do a favor for him.She says, “Sure, what do you need?” The man replies, “Can you hold my cock and pullet… while I slap my ass?”
Quits
When a women found out that she was pregnant,
she lit up the phone lines telling everyone the good news.
One day, she took her 4 year old son,Sam,out shopping.
A woman asked the boy if he was excited about the baby.
� Yes”, he said.� I know what we’re going to name it.
If it is a girl, we’re calling her Molly and if it is a
boy, we’re going to call it quits.
Diplomacy is the ability to
Diplomacy is the ability to tell someone to “get lost” in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
4 Priests
Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference.
Shortly into the trip, one priest says “Well, we’ve all worked together for many years, but don’t really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins.”
They look nervously at each other but nod OK. The first priest says “Since I suggested it, I’ll go first. With me it’s the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system.”
They all look each other again nervously, but the next priest slowly starts “Wellll……with me, it’s gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system.”
The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says “This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I REEEEAAALY get it out of my system.”
They all look at the fourth priest waiting. He doesn’t say anything. Then one of the four speaks up “Come now, we’ve all told our innermost faults. It’s your turn.” He looks at the others and starts hesitantly “Welllllll….. I’m an inveterate gossip, and I can’t wait to get off this train!”
Jamie Bennett is the coolest!!!
How many jokes would you have read if you didnt waste your time looking at this?
The top ten signs that someone is using your e-mail account
10. “Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?”9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.8. Apparently, your flame war with [email protected] is about to turn ugly.7. When you log on, your computer says “You’ve got lawsuits!”6. You’re suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.5. Sotheby’s says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.3. Terse “Knock it off, Oedipus” e-mail from your Mom.2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.1. “The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately.”
Greenhorn In Alaska
A greenhorn visiting Alaska was talking to two old sourdoughs. They informed him he was a cheechako. The greenhorn asked how he could become a sourdough.
The two sourdoughs winked at each other, and told him he had to do three things. First, he had to pee in the Yukon River. Second, he had to wrestle with a grizzly bear. And last, he had to make love to an Athabascan Indian woman.
“No problem,” said the cheechako, and off he went. He hired himself a guide, and soon had dispatched his first duty. Then they found the grizzly bear.
The cheechako chased the bear into a cave. The most awful roaring and screaming emitted from that cave, along with blood and fur.
Finally, the cheechako staggers out of the cave. “Okay,” he said to the guide. “Where’s that Indian woman I’m supposed to wrassle!”
Yo mama is so fat
Yo mama so fat were in her right now
The pink limosine
Two kids in a tree house both pull down there pants both
opposite sex each ask what each other what there genitals are
but none of them know so that night each of the chidern asked
there parents what they had the boy asked his mom ,his mom said
ow that is the pink limosine when you grow up one day you will
park in the black cave.
At the girls house the same thing was going on but she asked
her dad she said dad I was wonddering whats between my crouch
her dad said exitedly thats your black cave when your older the
pink limosine will park in you.
So the next day they went back to the treehouse and they
both pulled down there pants again and told each other what they
had when the girl came home all bloody later her mom ask what
happened she said well it goes like this a pink limosine tried
to park in me so I tore off its back wheels.
First time at Football
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she like the game.”I liked it, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,” she said.”What do you mean?” he asked.”Well, everyone kept yelling, ‘Get the quarter back!'”
Girl Talk After Sex
Brunette after sex “Oh that was great! Love you… wanna marry?”
Redhead after sex “Better start chewing some VITAMINS, kid.”
Blonde after sex “Next!”