Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?A: Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session.
Author: admin
mexican welfare
Q: How do you fit 50 mexicans in a car?
A: Put a welfare check in the ash tray.
A quote on marriage
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
Dead Old Lady
A guy went to the opera.He kept saying me me me.A guy went to a resturant. He kept saying forks and knifes forks and knifes.A guy went to a wrestling match. He kept saying bring it on. One day an old lady got killed. A police man came. He said who killed her.The guy from the opera said me me me.The police man said with what. The guy from the resturant said forks and knifes.The police man said im going to have to take you to police station.The guy from the wrestling match said bring it on!
German Motoring Term
Indicators : Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken Bonnet : Pullnob und Knucklechopper Exhaust : Spitzenpoppenbangentuben Speedo : Der Egobooster und Linenshooter Clutch : Die Kuplink mit schlippen und schaken Puncture : Die phlatt mit bludyfucken Learner : Die Twatten mit Elplatz Estate Car : Der Bagmerroomfurschagginkinauto Parking Meter : Der Tennerpinscher und Klockenwerr Windscreen Wiper : Der Flippenflappenmuckenschpredder Foot Brake : Der Edbangeronvindschreen Stoppenquick Gear Lever : Biggensticken fur Kangaroochoppen Breathalyser : Die Puffitintem fur Pistenarsen Rear View Mirror : Der Yokhunter Tecklosen Seat Belt : Der Klunkenkilikker Frauleintrapper Head Lights : Das Dippendontdazzelubasted Exhaust Fumes : Der Koffenundschittpoluter Highway Code : Der Wipan fur Arsen Fog Warning : Die Puttenlegdownen und Fukkitt Traffic Jam : Die Bluddifukkink Dammundblast Rear Seat : Der Schpringentester Tyres : Flattfawrts Backfire : Der Lowdenbangenmekkenjumpen Juggernaut : Der Fukkengrett Trukken Accident : Der Bledinmess Near Accident : Der Fukken Near Schittenselfen Garage : Der Heiway Robberung Cyclist : Der Pedallpushink Pilloken Skid : Der Banannan Waltzen Double White Lines : Overtakanund Krunchen
Student Desperate To Pass Story, A
A student comes to a young professor’s office hours. She glances down the
hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
“I would do anything to pass this exam.” She leans closer to him, flips back
her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
“I mean…” she whispers, “…I would do…anything.”
He returns her gaze. “Anything?”
“Anything.”
His voice softens. “Anything??”
“Anything.”
His voice turns to a whisper. “Would you…study?”
Good News Bad News
Doctor speaks to patient who regains consciousness after an amputation.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Patient: Tell me the bad news first.
Doctor : By mistake I cut off your good foot. I’m terribly sorry.
Patient: Oh My God! How can there be good news after that?
Doctor: The foot that we thought was bad, has got better
What happens if you put a blonde up side down?
Q: What do you get if put a blonde upside down?
A: A brunette with a bad breath.
The man and the Ostrich
A man walked into a Wendys with his ostrich and ordered a combo #3 and the woman behind the counter asked “Well what about your ostrich?”
The man said “oh, he’ll have a Pepsi”
The woman said “ok that’ll be $7.81”
The man reached into his pocket and pulled out exactly $7.81 in change.
The same thing happened 2 more times. Finially the woman asked “How do you keep pulling out the exact right amount in change??”
The man replied “Well I was cleaning out my attic and i found a lamp i rubbed it and a Genie cam out and offered me 2 wishes and my first wish was to have all the money for everything i wanted.” The woman said “Ok and the ostrich??”
The man said “I wished for a chick with long legs.”
What do you get when you cross an elephant…
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a jar of peanut butter?
either -A jar of peanut butter with a very good memory
or -An elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean)
10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in ‘Deliverance.’)9. There’s a slight difference in our ages. (I don’t want to do my dad.)8. I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way. (You are the ugliest dork I’ve ever laid eyes upon.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don’t want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I’m seeing.)6. I’ve got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry’s.)5. I don’t date men where I work. (I wouldn’t date you if you were in the same ‘solar system’, much less the same building.)4. It’s not you, it’s me. (It’s you.)3. I’m concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and un-fulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)2. I’m celibate. (I’ve sworn off only the men like you.)1. Let’s be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It’s that male perspective thing.)In Response –**Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean.)**10. I think of you as a sister. (You’re ugly.)9. There’s a slight difference in our ages. (You’re ugly.) 8. I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way. (You’re ugly.)7. My life is too complicated right now. (You’re ugly.) 6. I’ve got a girlfriend. (You’re ugly.)5. I don’t date women where I work. (You’re ugly.) 4. It’s not you, it’s me. (You’re ugly.) 3. I’m concentrating on my career. (You’re ugly.) 2. I’m celibate. (You’re ugly.)1. Let’s be friends. (You’re sinfully ugly.)
Dictionary of
Dictionary of Evaluation Comments Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out. IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else. ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip. REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.