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The recently married couple split up shortly after the wedding. The trouble started when the husband arrived home from work and found his new wife lying naked on the couch.
“What’s for dinner?” he asked.
“Pussy,” she replied.
“Damn,” the husband spat. “That’s what I had for lunch.”
what does a cat put on itself when it has a
opened cut
purr.. oxside
A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their program manager
are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old
brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof — out pops a genie.
“Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes.
Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you.”
The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, “I’d like to be sailing a
yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew.”
“It is done”, said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.
The software engineer thinks a moment and says, “I’d like to be riding my
Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest.”
“It is done”, said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.
The program manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs
his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, “I’d like those two back in the
office after lunch.”
”Add this up for me. A ton of sawdust, a ton of old newspaper, and a ton of
fat. Now, have you got all that in your head?”
”Yes.”
” Yeah, I thought so.”
Q.Your in California and you ask a blond
wich is farther the moon or NY?
A.She would say duh NY you cant see it!
(Joshua age 10)
A guy with leprosy wins tickets to see the world series. But when he gets there, he has trouble finding a seat because pieces of him are
peeling and flaking off, and he’s very concerned about grossing out
the other fans.
The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where his
grotesque appearance won’t disturb anyone else. Finally he finds an open seat where he might be able to watch the game. He asks the man
in the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there.
The man answers, “Yeah. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”
The leper sits down and adds, “As you can see, I have leprosy. If
it disturbs you, I will move.”
“It doesn’t bother me. Just shut up, and watch the game.”
A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomits.
Frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered everywhere.
Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, “Thank you for allowing
me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused
you to get sick. I will find another place to sit.”
“It’s NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”
So the leper sits back down. But during the sixth inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is projectile vomitus. A powerful blast of beer and pretzels shoots out from the man’s mouth and nose until is stomach is completely emptied.
Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, “Thank you for allowing
me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused
you to get sick. I will find another place to sit.”
“Really, it’s NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”
So the leper sits back down. But during the seventh inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is the dry heaves. The leper feels absolutely awful at the sight of this man suffering. And once again, the leper offers to leave.
But the man insists, “Really, it’s NOT you.”
So the leper asks, “Well if it’s not me that is making you so sick,
that what is it?”
“It’s that guy behind you. He keeps dipping his nachos in your back.”
Why did the pencal go through the pool!I dont know why! Because it thaught it was paper!
Q. If a blonde and a brunette were falling off a building, who would hit the
ground first?
A. The brunette because the blonde would stop for directions.
There was this new preacher in town. Well Farmer Brown came by to talk. In the conversation farmer Brown asked, “Is it true you have a holey cow?”
And the preacher replied,”Why, yes it is.”
“Is it all right if i see this Holey Cow?”
“Yes”
so they walked out to the barn and there stood a cow full of holes.
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new
BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a
Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window
and asked the shepherd, “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your
flock, will you give me one?”
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his
peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, “Sure.”
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM ThinkPad and connected it to a
cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a
GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database
and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out
a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and
says,”You have exactly 1586 sheep”.
“That is correct; take one of the sheep” said the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his
car.
Then the shepherd says: “If I can tell you exactly what your business
is, will you give me back my animal?”
“OK, why not” answered the young man.
“Clearly, you are a consultant” said the shepherd.
“That’s correct” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required” answers the shepherd. “You turned up here although
nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a
question I never asked, and you don’t know crap about my business…. Now give
me back my dog”.
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, “I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.”
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened? The Pope said: “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. “What happened?” they asked. “Well,” said Moishe, “first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.” “And then?” asked a woman. “I don’t know,” said Moishe. “He took out his lunch and I took out mine…”
What did minnie mouse say when she was on top of pinnico?
Lie to me
What the dwarf say to snow white?
hi ho hi ho it`s off to bed we go.