Two young boys were discussing their parents, when one realized he really knew
very little about his mother. Arriving home that evening, he gave her a third
degree examination.
“How old are you?” he asked.
“None of your business,” replied his mother, shortly.
“Okay, then how much do you weigh?”
“That’s not your business either, young man.”
The boy thinks a minute, and then delivers his final bombshell. “Well then,
can you tell me why you and daddy got divorced?”
Shocked and appalled, mom sends junior to bed without supper.
The next day, the kid reports his failure to his schoolmate. “I know!” says
his buddy, “Just look at her driver’s license in her purse. It’ll tell you
everything you want to know.”
Later that day, mom finds her son next to her disemboweled purse, holding her
driver’s license. “Just what the heck do you think you are doing?” she yells.
“Well, you wouldn’t tell me what I wanted to know,” says the junior detective,
“but my friend said it’s all right here. See, you’re 40 years old…you weigh
145 pounds…and daddy divorced you because you got an ‘F’ in Sex.”
Author: admin
Did you hear that Hillary Clinton changed…
Did you hear that Hillary Clinton changed her name?
She is now known as “Sharon Peters”!
Massively Kewl Knock Knock Jokes!!!
Knock, knock
Who�s there?
Sorry, wrong door.
Okay.
Knock, knock
Who�s there?
Federal Express
Federal Express who?
I don�t know. I just deliver packages.
Knock, knock
Who�s there?
Tom.
Tom who?
Tom Buchanan.
Hi Tom.
Knock knock
Who�s there?
Pizza delivery guy.
Pizza delivery guy who?
You ordered a pizza?
Yes.
I�m the guy delivering it.
Great.
Knock knock
Who�s there?
Susan.
Susan who?
Susan Caldwell.
I�ll be right out, Susan.
Knock, knock
Who�s there.
You might be a redneck if� you think tobacco is a vegetable.
You might be a redneck if� you think tobacco is a vegetable who?
I thought this was a redneck joke.
Nope. It�s a knock, knock joke.
Oops.
Knock, knock
Who�s there?
Boo
Boo who
Don�t get so upset, crybaby!
What?
Ha! Ha! I made you say �boo-hoo�
You�re a real idiot.
That wasn�t necessary.
Knock knock
Who�s there?
Creeping penis.
Creeping penis who?
I�m not crazy, I just need to get off this island. The doctors don�t believe I invented the chocolate �clair. But I did. I�m going to burn them all and drink soup from their skulls! Happy soup! Untie me and I�ll kill you last!
Knock, knock
Yo mama
Yo mama who?
Yo mama so fat, she caught a flesh-eating virus and that was three years ago.
I bet you�re fat, huh?
I�m�
You are, aren�t you? Fat!
I�m plumpish.
Knock, knock
Who�s there?
FBI!
�
�
Hello? FBI! Let us in!
�
�nobody here�
Oh. Let�s go boys!
(Phew!)
Knock, knock
Who�s there?
There�s a dead old woman in your driveway.
There�s a dead old woman in your driveway who?
No. Seriously. There�s a dead old woman in your driveway.
Actually, that�s just my piss-drunk bar slut of a grandmother. She sells toothless mouth love for �mind eraser� shooters at the Tyson�s Mall TGIFriday�s. Let the whore sleep it off.
Knock, knock
Who�s there?
Henry.
Henry who?
Henry Kissinger. Did you know that power is the ultimate aphrodisiac?
I�m not opening the door Henry.
Damn.
Mexican Population
How do you count the Mexican population???
Roll a penny down the street!
Hunting
Your momma is so hairy, when she stands naked the kids say “Lets go hunting.”
Death is Nature’s way of
Death is Nature’s way of saying ‘slow down’.
Gutted
Two dumb men go hunting.
Soon they get separated and, as often happens, one mistakes the other for a deer and shoots him.
After much effort he drags his buddy from the woods, throws him in the 4×4 and takes him to the nearest hospital.
“Will he be all right?” the worried hunter asks the doctor.
“It’s hard to say,” says the doctor. “But it would have been better if you hadn’t gutted and skinned him.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Blonde and Pizza
A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. She responded, ”Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.”
Admiring Our Own Work
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was
completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer
sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a
month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar
up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who
also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and
even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, “I’m
only here to listen to the music.”
“Yeah?” replied the man. “We’re only here to see our dog.”
Things that annoy
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. ‘I know where my watch is buddy, where the f*** is yours?’ Do we point at our crotch when we ask where the toilet is?
People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
When people say, ‘Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too.’ Piss off. What good is a goddamn cake if you can’t eat it?
When people say, `It’s always in the last place you’d look.’ Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do some people do this? Who and where are they?
When people say, while watching a movie, ‘Did you see that?’ No, shit-for-brains, I paid $15 to come to the cinema and stare at the f***ing ceiling up there. What did you come here for?
People who ask, `Can I ask you a question?’ don’t really give you a choice, do they?
When something is ‘new and improved’ – which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going, say: `You should know, arse hole, you pulled me over.’
Ha-ha Riddle
What goes ha-ha-ha-thunk?(Scroll… down)A man laughing his head off…
Types of computer viruses
Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack—once if by LAN, twice if by C:.