Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Author: admin
Zipper Alert
A young woman in a REALLY skimpy skirt was at the bus stop. When the bus arrived and the doors opened she tried to climb the steps. However, her skirt was too tight and her legs couldn’t move. So, she reached behind her and undid her zipper.She tried to step up again, and still couldn’t, so she reached behind again and played with the zipper.She tried to climb the steps again…still no luck. So, as she reached behind again, a pair of strong hands picked her up and placed her on the top step.”What do you think you’re doing?”, she asked the guy behind her.”Well, I figured the second time you undid my fly we were at least good friends!”
Adam and Eve
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
“Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit. “They must be British.”
“Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees. “They’re naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.”
“No clothes, no shelter,” the Russian points out, “they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. They are Russian.”
Card swipe
Three men walked into a strip bar, the first guy licks a 100 dollar bill and slaps it on one side of a strippers butt.
The next guy also, licks a 100 dollar bill and slaps it on the other side of her butt.
The third guy walks in takes out a credit card swipes it through her butt and takes the 200 dollars.
Blonde and the fire
There was a blond and her house was on fire. She called the fire department and goes “come quick my house is on fire!”They reply “well how do we get there?”The blond goes” duh big red truck!”
Knock KnockWho’s there?Lloyd!Lloyd who?Lloyd a
Knock KnockWho’s there?Lloyd!Lloyd who?Lloyd a donkey to water but you can’t make it drink!
Open wide
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said “Open Wide”
“I can’t” The blonde said. “This chair has arms”
Submitted by savethemuffin13
Edited by Tds181
Sneeze
1- Knock Knock
2- Who’s there
1- Atch
2- Atch-who
1- Bless you!
Bio majors do it instead of homework….
Bio majors do it instead of homework.
Blonde joke
How do you know if a blonde has been on the computer??
Theres 20cents in the diskdrive and a condom on the joystick.
Horny Parrot
A guy has a horny parrot. It’s terrible. Every time he reaches into the cage, the bird humps his arm. He invites his mother to tea, the bird keeps saying foul things. Finally he takes the parrot to a vet.The vet examines the bird extensively, says, “Well, you have a horny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for fifteen dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine.”The guy’s parrot is listening and says, “Come on! Come on! What are you waiting for??”Finally, the guy says all right and hands over the fifteen dollars.The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird, closes the curtain. Suddenly, “Kwah! Kwah! Kwah!” Feathers come flying out of the cage.The vet says, “Holy gee,” and runs across the room and opens the curtain.The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage with one claw. With the other claw he’s pulling out all her feathers. He’s saying, “For fifteen bucks, I want you naked. Naked!”
Definitions of Children
AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: Able to whine in words.
WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.