What is the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?
The hooker will stop screwing you after you die.
Author: admin
Mafia trouble
What does talking to the mafia and eating pussy have in common?
One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
From the WordPerfect Help Desk
This is a true story from the WordPerfect help line. Needless to say, the help
desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect
organization for “Termination without Cause.”
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a
caller:
“Ridge Hall computer assistant; May I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
“What sort of trouble?”
“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
“Went away?”
“They disappeared.”
“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
“How do I tell?”
“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”
“What’s a sea-prompt?”
“Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”
“There isn’t any cursor, I told you, and it won’t accept anything I type.”
“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
“What’s a monitor?”
“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a
little light that tells you when it’s on?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, and then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord
goes into it. Can you see that?”
“Yes, I think so.”
“Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the
wall.”
“…Yes, it is.”
“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables
plugged into the back of it, not just one?”
“No.”
“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
cable.”
“…Okay, here it is.”
“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your
computer.”
“I can’t reach.”
“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
“No.”
“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s because it’s dark.”
“Dark?”
“Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from
the window.”
“Well, turn on the office light then.”
“I can’t.”
“No? Why not?”
“Because there’s a power outage.”
“A power… A power outage? Ah, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still
have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
“Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was
when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
“Really? Is it that bad?”
“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
“Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”
Cards for the Not So
~ You were meant for me, perhaps as a punishment.~ I know how to push all my wife’s buttons … now if I could only find the one marked OFF!~ I must admit, you brought religion in my life. I never believed in hell until I met you.~ Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder: what the hell was I thinking?~ As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you’re not here to ruin it for me.~ They say that an attractive human body is worth a million dollars. Looks like someone robbed your ugly ass.~ When we were together, you always said you’d die for me. Now that we’ve broke up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.~ I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.~ I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re here.
Gay sperm
Q:What did one gay sperm say to the other? A:How do i finde the egg threw all of this shit?
Apple a Day
Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
If you aim it well enough
Joke Written By and For Retards
Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm. His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis. “Incredible!,” says his friend. “Medical science is amazing.”
Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off. Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football. “Incredible!,” says his friend. “Medical science is amazing!”
Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head. Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached. The next day he goes to see his friend but can’t find him. He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, “Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday.” The doctor thinks for a minute and says, “Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.”
Encyclopedia for Sale
FOR SALE: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
Cool REAL Signs!
At a radiator shop (A-1 Radiator)
“Best Place in Town to take a Leak”
Sign over a gynecologist’s office
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
On a Plumbers truck:
“We repair what your husband tried to fix.”
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
Pizza shop slogan:
“7 days without pizza makes one weak.”
At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
“Invite us to your next blowout”
Door of a plastic surgeon’s office:
“Hello. Can we pick your nose or would you rather do it”
At a laundry shop: “How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot.
Would that be satisfactory?”
At a towing company:
“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”
On an electrician’s truck
“Let us remove your shorts.”
In a non-smoking area:
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
On a maternity room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”
At an optometrist’s office:
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
On a taxidermist’s window:
“We really know our stuff.”
In a podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”
On a fence:
“Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.”
At a car dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet — miss a car payment.”
Outside a muffler shop:
“No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”
In a veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
At the electric company:
“We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”
Yo mama has
Yo mama has one ear and has to take off her hat to hear what you’re saying.
Blonde Counting Joke
One day a brunette asked a redhead, “I’ve herd that that blond over there can’t even count to 70.”The redhead said, “Yeah, for them 69 is a mouthful.”
Yo mamma
yo mamma so funky she had on dove deoderant and they dove flew away{i dont stink my dove didnt fly away}