Little Bob and his friend John went to the movies and, before the show, headed
to the bathroom to relieve themselves. Bob relieved himself then
washed his hands, much to his surprise John did just the opposite.
� Hey,” said Bob, “smart boys wash their hands after they pee.”
Holding his head back proudly, young John corrected, “Smart boys learn not to
pee on their hands.”
Author: admin
Quick Conquer Of Poland
Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?
A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving!
Question and answer Clinton joke
Q: How is Bill like a character actor?A: When he shows character, he’s acting.
If pro is the opposite
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress? Why does “cleave” mean both split apart and stick together? Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same? Why is it called a “building” when it is already built? Why do they call them “apartments” when they are all stuck together?
The factory of the future
The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment.
Q: How many US
Q: How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: None, the constitution says that only Congress can screw in light bulbs, so only Congress is responsible for the dark, which is why we need a Constitutional ammendment.
Three very tough mice
Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and
toughness.
The first says, “I’m so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat
poison!”
The second says, “Well I’m so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap
and I bit it apart!”
Then the third rat gets up and says, “Later guys, I’m off home to harass the
cat.”
Yo mama has
Yo mama has a bald head with a part and sideburns.
The Disabled Swimming Race
Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no
arms the second no legs and the third has no body, just a head.
They all line up, the whistle blows and “splash” they’re all in
the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the
guy with no legs is closing fast. The head sank straight to the
bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He
can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he
decides he had better dive down to rescue him. He picks up the
head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the
side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and
spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts, “Three
facking years I’ve spent learning to swim with my Facking ears,
then two minutes before the whistle, some idiot puts a swimming
cap on me.”
When throwing rocks at seabirds, leave no…
When throwing rocks at seabirds, leave no tern unstoned.
When painting baboons, leave no stern untoned.
New maid
A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, “Who is this?””This is the maid.”, answered the woman.”We don’t have a maid!” “I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house.””Well, this is her husband. Is she there?” “Ummm…she’s upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband.”The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, “Listen, would you like to make $50,000?””What do I have to do?””I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that Bitch and the jerk she’s with.”The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.The maid comes back to the phone. “What should I do with the bodies?””Throw them in the swimming pool!””What pool?””Uh.. is this 832-4821?”
Lifesavers
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to
broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their
eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine
cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.
One day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers,
more flavors than you could ever imagine. “Children, I’d like
you to close your eyes and taste these,” announced the teacher.
Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of
cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put
honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the
children was stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher. “It’s something your
Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time.”
Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his
mouth and shouted, “Spit ’em out, you guys, they’re assholes!”