your momma so fat when she ask for a water bed they put a blanket over the Alantic ocean
Author: admin
Caught Entertaining
Little Johnny’s father walks into the bathroom and catches him masturbating. He says, “Son, every time you do that you kill an innocent baby.”The next day his father walks into the bathroom and catches him again. Johnny says, “Bow your head, Dad. Can’t you see we’re having a funeral?”
The SUPER Salesman…
A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
“Sorry, we don’t need anyone…” they replied.
“You can’t afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime!”
“Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job.”
He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000.
“How in the world did you do that?” they asked.
“I told you I’m the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, anytime!”
“Did you get a urine sample?” they asked him.
“What’s that?” he asked.
“Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples.”
He was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, “Here’s Mr. Jone’s and this one is Mrs. Johnson’s.”
“That’s good,” they said, “but what’s in those two buckets?”
“Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention –
so I stopped and sold them a group policy!”
Gym Room
Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.
He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. “He’s not my husband,” she says.
He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. “He’s not my husband either.”
He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.
“Wait a minute,” she says. “He’s not even a member of this club.”
Blessed are the meek for
Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
Who’s more American? (bad taste)
‘R’ for rudeness…
Two arabs move to the US and on the plane over they where figting over who would be more American with in a year so they agreed to meet one year later to see who was mor American. So a year later they met and the first arab says I just ate at McDonalds after watching the Yankee game. The other arab just gave him an angry look and said Fuck You Towel Head.
Travel Agent Laughs
I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with “I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.” Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, “Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.” Her response… click.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, “Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!”
I got a call from a man who asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada?” I said, “No.” He said, “But they look so close on the map.”
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.”
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to who?” I said, “No, why do you ask?” She replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?” After putting her on hold for a minute while “I looked into it,” ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.”
A woman called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes.” I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, “Yeah, whatever.”
A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. “Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.”
A woman called to make reservations, “I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York.” The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked, “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” “Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Hippopotamus anywhere.” The customer retorted, “Oh don’t be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!” The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?” She replied, “That’s it! I knew it was a big animal!”
Yo Mamma
Yo mama so fat a school bus drove by and she said ” Hey catch
that Giant Twinkie!”
Yo mama so old, when David killed Goliath she ran and called the
cops
Yo mama so skinny she swallowed a marble and looked 6 months
pregnant.
Yo mama so small she can hand glide on a Doritos.
Yo mama so poor I saw her one day running after a trash truck
with a grocery list.
Grow up to Be a Doctor
One day in the first grade class, the teacher asked the class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “A doctor?”
“And why’s that?” asked the teacher.
“Because it’s the only profession where you can tell women to
take off their clothes and then stick their husbands with the
bill.”
1 wish ?
Two guys, of limited intelligence, were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface.
After floating under blazing heat, for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in).
They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, “OK, so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, I’ve been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now and quite frankly, I’m burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then I’m outta here. Make it a good one.”
The first guy, blurted out, without thinking, “Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!” “Fine,” said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean to beer.
“Great move, Einstein”, said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the side of the head. “Now we’re gonna have to piss in the boat.”
First Lady
First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno . . .
. . . were having one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet,
You’re lucky that you don’t have to put up with men having sex with you. I have
to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his.”
Janet responded. “Just because I am considered ugly, doesn’t mean I don’t have
to fight off unwelcome sexual advances.”
Hillary asks, “Well how do you deal with the problem?”
Janet: “Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I
muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest, fart I can.”
Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary
headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be
wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for
him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding
fart you could imagine.
Bill rolls over and says, “Is that you Janet?”
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.