There were two blondes walking down the street and they spotted a compact. They rushed over to see who it belonged to so they could return it. The first one opens it and says, “This person looks familiar” The second one says, “Let me see.” She looks at her friend and says, “Silly, that’s me!”
Author: admin
Q: Why are blonde jokes so mean?…
Q: Why are blonde jokes so mean?A: Because the blondes never understand them.
Dear Tech Support
Tech Support’
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to
the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewellery
applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable
programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs
such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and
HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no
avail.
–Desperate
***
Dear Desperate,
Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while
Husband 1.0is an operating system.
Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install
Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the
applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse
can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour
7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create “Snoring Loudly”
wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another
Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will
crash Husband 1.0
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have
limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I
personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3.
Good Luck!
Tech Support
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.83. Eat a bag of marshmellows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.
Poker Game
Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. The father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself…television, ice cream, homework, video games…but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held. The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home.
At this point, the boy’s uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny and without comment, the game resumed. For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the cardplayers continued without any further interruptions.
After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny’s uncle, “What in the world did you do to Johnny? I haven’t heard a peep from him all day!”
“Not much,” the boy’s uncle replied. “I just showed him how to jerk off.”
Really, really rude!
What’s the last thing a gay mortician does before he goes home?
Sucks down a cold one!
When did Clinton realize Paula
When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn’t a Democrat?
When she didn’t swallow everything he presented.
You can’t guard against the
You can’t guard against the arbitrary.
M&M joke
jo mama so stupid she though the sun was a big yellow M&M
Hillary’s new book
Q: Did you hear Hillary’s writing a new book?
A: It’s called ‘It Takes A Village 2’ (keep an eye on my husband!)
Always Been a Doubt
A man is talking to his best friend about married life.”You know,” he says, “I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there’s always that doubt.” His friend says, “Yeah, I know what you mean.”A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.”While I’m away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there’s always that doubt.” The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town. Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.”So did anything happen?””I have some bad news for you,” says the friend.”The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light.” “Then what happened?” says the man.”I don’t know. It was too dark to see.” “Damn, you see what I mean? There’s always that doubt.”
Doctor Bloopers!
*** Actual “bloopers” Doctor’s have written on patient charts. ***
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
14. She is numb from her toes down.
15. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
16. The skin was moist and dry.
17. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
18. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
19. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
20. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
21. I saw your patient today, who is still under our Car for physical therapy.
22. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
23. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
24. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.