When do you know that it is bedtime in Neverland?
When the big hand touches the little hand.
Author: admin
The Monica Song
(To the tune of Adam Sandler’s “The Hanukah Song)
Written and submitted by Greg
Get ready for funica,
Here comes Monica
She’s so easyica
Her name is Monica.
Monica is the slut of all sluts,
If you give her a quarter you can grab her butt.
So when you feel like the only one in town,
With a lot of time to burn
Here’s a song to recognize,
All you White House Interns!
Come into the office,
This job is a borea
Let me unzip my fly
Then you can suck me till I’m sorea.
Don’t worry Miss Monica, no one will know.
‘Cause Hillary and Chelsea are in the Poconos.
Bill and Paula Jones and Miss Lewinsky,
Put them together what a fine little orgy!
You don’t need Linda Tripp or Kenneth Starr,
‘Cause we can have sex with one of my cigars!
It’s a Cuban!
Get ready for funica,
Here comes Monica,
I need a blowjobica,
So get to it Monica!
Miss Lewinsky, what a slut.
But man oh man, what a butt!
It’s a beauty!
I don’t care if you’re a little chubby,
Compared to Hillary,
Not to shabby!
Some people think that I’m an old geezer.
Well, I am
but look at how I please her.
So many women are in my life,
About a hundred or so none are my wife!
Tell your friend Veronica,
It’s time for Monica,
I hope I don’t cumica,
On your big blue dressica!
So drink your gin and tonica,
And smoke your marijuanica,(but don’t inhale)
If you really really wannica
Keep on sucking, sucking, sucking, sucking Monica!
Suck it Monica!
Q: How many alien
Q: How many alien life forms does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Yeah, wouldn’t the guys at SETI like to know *that*!Note: SETI = Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence.
Pray for gifts
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas.
At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs,
“I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE…
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO…
I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR…”
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.”
To which the little brother replied, “No, but Grandma is!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Murphy’s Laws of Computing
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
Bumper Sticker #115
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Question to Dad
One day, A girl asked her father why her name was rose. The father replied, “because when you were born a rose fell on your head”.
The next day, Another daughter asked her father why her name was violet. The father replied, “because when you were born a violet fell on your head”.
Finally, his third child, his only son, came up to his father making a unnnhhhhhh sound.
The father replied, SHUT UP FRIDGE!
10 Signs That A Kid Is A Nerd
10. Likes people that opress him: teachers, parents, principals,
police, and authority figures.
9. Is overly enthusiastic about ‘Dungeons and Dragons’ and other
role playing games.
8. Very familiar with mega-hurtz, wears glasses and, can quote
scripture.
7. Frequently speaks of martial arts, but still gets beaten up.
6. Says ‘Whom’ instead of ‘Who.’
5. Is pleased when disruptive individuals are sent to the
office, so that they can continue with their learning.
4. Prefers NPR to any music.
3. Gets upset when there is a test or quiz that he did not know
about.
2. Rooted for Deep-Blue in the famous chess game.
1. Must be pulled off bridge when not accepted at the college of
his choice.
Q: How many loggers
Q: How many loggers does it take to change a light bulb?A: They can’t do it, the light will disturb the spotted owls.Note : Topical to successful environmentalist pressures to stop logging in the NW U.S. to protect the endangered spotted owl species.
Stomach Complaint
A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do.
The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage.
The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind.
The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth.
He calls his wife over and tells her what to do.
The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, “NOOO..!” “What’s the matter?” asked the wife, “Did I hurt you?”
“No,” replies the man, “but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder.”
ADMISSIONS TEST
Several colleges have started a pilot program that uses a simple group
experiment with Legos as a replacement for the standard admissions test. The
group must recreate a model of a robot in the next room, with only one team
member allowed to view the robot at any one time.
Since different schools have different admissions requirements, the test has
been generalized to meet the requirements of various schools:
ENGINEERING COLLEGE: Build a real, working robot out of Legos.
LIBERAL ARTS COLLEGE: Pick your favorite color of Lego block.
CULINARY COLLEGE: Bake an Eggo that no one would want to Lego.
COMMUNITY COLLEGE: Ring this box of Legos up on a cash register.
FLORIDA STATE UNIVERSITY: Steal as many Legos as possible.
“fifteen bucks”
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the
shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of
his round trip ticket — If he could just get to the airport he could get
himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab
waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to
send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his
drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said
(adopt appropriate dialect), “If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell
out of my cab!” So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and
was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his
financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty
good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride
back to the airport.
Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his
old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The
businessman thought for a moment about how he could make theguy pay for his lack
of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, “How much for a ride to the
airport, ” he asked? “Fifteen bucks, ” came the reply. “And how much for you to
give me a blowjob on the way?” “What?! Get the hell out of my cab.” The
businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same
questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked
“How much for a ride to the airport?” The cabbie replied “fifteen bucks.” The
businessman said “ok” and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long
line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each
driver.