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Q: How many archaeologists does does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the old one is.

The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

Saint Peter says, “Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you.

I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we’ve been administering an entrance exam for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven.”

Forrest responds, “It shore is good to be here, Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams Shore hope the test ain’t too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.”

Saint Peter goes on, “Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have has only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God’s first name?”

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. Forrest returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.

Saint Peter waves him up and asks, “Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.”
Forrest says, “Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter ‘T? Shucks, that one’s easy; that’d be Today and Tomorrow.”

The saint’s eyes opened wide and he exclaims, “Forrest! That’s not what I was thinking, but…you do have a point though, and I guess I didn’t specify, so I give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?” says Saint Peter. “How many seconds in a year?”

“Now that one’s harder,” says Forrest. “But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.”

Astounded, Saint Peter says, “Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”

Forrest says, “Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second…….”

“Hold it,” interrupts Saint Peter. “I see where you’re going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn’t quite what I had in mind. I’ll give you credit for that one too.”

“Let’s go on with the next and final question,” says Saint Peter. “Can you tell me God’s first name?”

Forrest says, “Well, shore, I know God’s first name. Everybody knows it. It’s Howard.”

“Howard?!” asks Saint Peter. “What makes you think it’s Howard?!”

Forrest answers, “It’s in the prayer.”

“The prayer?” asks Saint Peter, “Which prayer?”

“You know, The Lord’s Prayer,” responds Forrest…….

“Our Father, which art in Heaven, Howard be thy name……”

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK…..

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front
of her kids.

Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.

You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniels makes your list of “Most Admired People.”

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, “Hey, y’all watch this!”

You’ve got more than one brother named ‘Darryl.’

You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined bya ceiling fan.

You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, “Gentlemen, start
your engines.”

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

You take a six-pack cooler to church.

You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much
gas it has in it.

You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House
of Tattoos.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

Ya can’t get married to yer sweetheart ’cause there’s a law against it.

You dated one of your parents’ current spouses in high school.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your school fight song is “Dueling Banjos.”

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Three doctors died and went to the Pearly Gates to be interviewed to see where they would end up. St. Peter asked the first one what he did on earth, and he said he was an obstetrician. St. Peter asked what an obstetrician did and the doc told him. “Sounds pretty good; okay you can go in to Heaven.”

The second doc said he was a pediatrician and had to explain what that involved. St. Peter said, “Sounds very useful, very good–you can go in too.”

The third doc said he was the chief man in charge of a whole HMO conglomerate.

“Well, what’s that?” asked St. Peter.
So the doc told him exactly what that involved.
“Sounds very important, very useful. You can go in too.”

So the third doc goes in the Gates and starts to walk up the stairs. St. Peter turns and calls after him, “Oh, by the way, you can only stay three days.”

A woman goes into a store and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn’t work. The clerk tells her that he can’t give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming “Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!”

The clerk, not knowing what to do, went to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the woman and asks if he can help her. She explains that she would like a refund because the toaster she bought doesn’t work. He replies by telling her that he can’t give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, “Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!”

The store manager says to her “Why are you saying that?”

The woman replies “Because I like to have my breasts grabbed when I’m getting screwed!”

Juan Domingo Per�n, ya viudo de Evita, le env�a al Papa P�o X un telegrama cifrado cuyo contenido era el siguiente:

P. P. R. C. E. E. P. P. P.

El Secretario de Estado del Vaticano intrigado lleva el extra�o mensaje al Sumo Pont�fice y le dice:

“Su Santidad, hemos recibido un telegrama oficial desde Argentina, pero la verdad es que no lo entiendo.”

“D�jeme ver de qu� se trata.”

Luego de leerlo, el Santo Padre le dice al Secretario; “Ah, ya s� qu� quiere decir el mensaje. Este mesnaje dice: PAPA PIO, RECUERDE CANONIZAR EXCELENCIA EVA PERON, y lo firma el PRESIDENTE PERON. Lamentablemente no vamos a poder complacer al gobierno de Argentina, y mire usted, para facilitarle las cosas, cont�stele con el mismo mensaje cifrado, que el Presidente Per�n entender�. !Claro que entender�!” Y diciendo esto se alej� a sus habitaciones.

Cuando el Canciller argentino vio la respuesta en los mismos t�rminos, no supo interpretarla y se fue directo donde su jefe, el Presidente Per�n para que descifrara la respuesta. Per�n tom� el mensaje y s�lo le bast� mirarlo y recordar el pasado para saber el sentido que le hab�a dado el sumo Pont�fice. La respuesta era la siguiente:

PRESIDENTE PERON, RECUERDE CUANDO EVITA ERA PUTA. Papa P�o

There were two guys who had gone to the same college and become great friends. During college, they had a great time. Anything that was going on, they were always right in the middle of it. When they graduated, however, they each went their own separate way.

Two or three years later, they ran into one another on the street. They were very happy to see each other and, during the conversation, one of them asked the other what he was doing for work.

“I’m an undertaker,” responded the friend.
“That doesn’t sound like you. During college, you were always the one looking for excitement.”

“There is plenty of excitement in this racket,” said his friend.
“Just the other day, I got a call to pick up this stiff in a hotel room.
When I entered the room, he was laying there on the bed, stark naked, with a huge erection. I didn’t want to take him out like that, so I took a hanger from the closet, and gave it a good swat…
You want to talk about excitement! I WAS IN THE WRONG ROOM!!!”