Author: admin

Monica’s Diary

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*** Entry 1 ***
Dear Diary, I’m so excited! Just got a job as an intern at the White House….
and I don’t know a thing about medicine. Don’t even know what my duties are yet,
but I hope it’s a “hands on” position.
*** Entry 2 ***
Dear Diary, You won’t believe this! I snuck into the Oval Office when no one
was looking. But then I dropped one of my contacts. So, I got down on my hands
and knees and was looking for it when — guess what — the president walked in.
He said, “You must be the new intern.” That man is psychic! I hope he likes me.

*** Entry 3 ***
Dear Diary, I think the president likes me. Today he dropped his contacts on
the rug and asked me to find them.
*** Entry 4 ***
Dear Diary, He really likes me.
*** Entry 5 ***
Dear Diary, I have been sent to the stupid Pentagon to work. It is such a
drag. Like they’re going to put me in charge of heat-seeking missiles or
something. But I still talk to my Bubba-cakes on the phone. He calls me “1-900
Monica.” (That means he thinks I’m one in nine hundred. That’s pretty special.)

*** Entry 6 ***
Dear Diary, I met a really nice girl today. Her name is Linda. She’s really
cool except for that clown hair. Has she ever heard the word “conditioner?” She
looks like Mrs. Ronald McDonald.
*** Entry 7 ***
Dear Diary, I think Linda is hard of hearing. She keeps asking me to speak
louder whenever we go out for a quiet dinner.
*** Entry 8 ***
Dear Diary, Oh-oh. The bad news: I’ve been subpoenaed. The good news is that
Vernon Jordan is my new best friend. I’m going job-hunting with him tomorrow.
*** Entry 9 ***
Dear Diary, I had to give an affidavit in that stupid Paula Jones case. What
is she talking about? There are no distinguishing marks. And, by the way, I am
way cuter than her. She looks like David Brenner in drag.
*** Entry 10 ***
Dear Diary, I’ve had it. I’m never going to be an intern again. I’m going back
to Hollywood where they pay you for that kind of work.
*** Entry 11 ***
Dear Diary, Finally got home to L.A. and hugged Daddy so hard I thought I
would pop. It’s the first time in six months I called a man “daddy” that I was
actually related to.
*** Entry 12 ***
Dear Diary, It is so totally fabulous being back in Brentwood where they
really understand me. O.J. stopped by — he said not to worry because, “If
there’s no spot on the dress, it’s anybody’s guess.”
*** Entry 13 ***
Dear Diary, All my girlfriends are so jealous of all the attention I’m getting
from Kenneth Starr. I think they have subpoena envy. And Linda Tripp. I hate
her. I’m thinking of selling a Linda Doll. You wind it up and it stabs a Barbie
doll in the back.
*** Entry 14 ***
Dear Diary, Got to remember to tell Bubba-cakes my totally do-able solution to
this whole wacky Iraqi crisis. He forgets that I worked at the pentagon. Just
have Vernon Jordan get Saddam Wahtsisname a job at Revlon. (God, it’s a no
brainier!)
*** Entry 15 ***
Dear Diary, They keep asking me if I had sexual relations with the president.
I mean, give me a break. That is so crazy. I mean, just because every day, when
I worked at the White House, his name was at the top of my “To Do” list.
*** Entry 16 ***
Dear Diary, Sometimes I wish some of the other girls who were in my position
would stand up and be counted. But they might hit their heads on the President’s
desk if they did.
*** Entry 17 ***
Dear Diary, They keep talking about immunity…like I caught something from
the President or something. The truth is, there was always a secret service man
outside the Oval Office protecting us. Now, that’s what I call safe sex!
*** Entry 18 ***
Dear Diary, Omigod. Mom and I are both going to the grand jury. What is that
about anyway? Sounds like some big hotel. Anyway, I guess I shouldn’t have told
mom about taking dictation in the Oval Office. My big mouth and me!
*** Entry 19 ***
Dear Diary, I’m not really worried. I’ve got offers to do some really cool
movies that are going straight to video and starring me! The Full Monica, a
sequel to In And Out, A Pack-O-Lips Now, Wag the Willy and my most favorite,
Good Bill Humping. I hope Speilberg will direct.

Surprise for BB King

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B.B. King’s wife decides that she is going to make his birthday especially memorable this year. So she goes out and gets B.B.’s initials tattooed on her ass, one letter on each cheek.After his big birthday dinner with friends at a fancy restaurant, they go home. As soon as B.B. sits down in his favourite chair, his wife walks up to him and announces, “I have a big surprise for you.”With that, she turns around, pulls up her dress, drops her panties, and bends over.B.B. stares for a moment at the big ass just inches from his face and asks, “Who’s Bob?”

Bart Simpson’s Punishment

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The opening credits of “The Simpsons” shows Bart Simpson writing on the school chalk board the same sentence over and over again, (the ole “write it 100 times” punishment). Each episode however the sentence is different. Someone (not me, thank you) went to the trouble to tape the shows, watch and copy down the sentences that Bart writes on the chalk board. The following are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the opening credits. Even if you’re not a fan, you’ll like these:

I will not carve gods.

I will not spank others.

I will not aim for the head.

I will not barf unless I’m sick

I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.

I saw nothing unusual in the teacher’s lounge.

I will not conduct my own fire drills.

Funny noises are not funny.

I will not snap bras.

I will not fake seizures.

This punishment is not boring and pointless.

My name is not Dr. Death.

I will not defame New Orleans.

I will not prescribe medication.

I will not bury the new kid.

I will not teach others to fly.

I will not bring sheep to class.

A burp is not an answer.

Teacher is not a leper.

Coffee is not for kids.

I will not eat things for money.

I will not yell “She’s Dead” at roll call.

The principal’s toupee is not a Frisbee.

I will not call the principal “spud head”.

Goldfish don’t bounce.

Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.

No one is interested in my underpants.

I will not sell miracle cures.

I will return the seeing-eye dog.

I do not have diplomatic immunity.

I will not charge admission to the bathroom.

The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.

All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.

I will not say “Springfield” just to get applause.

I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.

My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.

I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.

I am not deliciously saucy.

Organ transplants are best left to professionals.

The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with “Hail Satan”.

I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.

There are plenty of businesses like show business.

Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.

I will not waste chalk.

I will not skateboard in the halls.

Underwear should be worn on the inside.

I will never win an emmy.

The Christmas Pageant does not stink.

I will not torment the emotionally frail.

Santa’s Pick Up Lines

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* I know when you’ve been bad or good, so let’s skip the small talk,
sister!

* Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?

* Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?

* Some of my best toys run on batteries…

* I see you when you’re sleeping – and you don’t wear any underwear, do
you?

* Screw the “nice” list — I’ve got you on my “nice AND naughty” list!

* Wanna join the “Mile High” club?

* That’s not a candy cane in my pocket, honey. I’m just glad to see you!

Barber’s Community Service

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A Barber committed a crime, and had to go before a judge. Since it was his
first time the Judge only gave him a community service in his own field.

He must give free hair cuts for one month, and every time a customer asks how
much for the hair cut, he has to explain his crime, and that this is his
community service.

Anyway, he was happy, because anything beats the jail.

First day he gave a hair cut to a Florist, the florist asked, how much at the
end, he replied, oh nothing…….explained the Judge’s order.

Next day when he came to open the shop, there was a bouquet of flowers and a
thank you card.

That day a person came who owned a chocolate shop, after the hair cut he too
asked, how much? The barber said oh no charge because…….. Judge’s order.

Next day when he came to open his shop, he saw a box of chocolate and a thank
you card, that day he gave a hair cut to an East Indian, The East Indian asked
how much? The barber said nothing because…….. Judge’s Order.

Next day when he came to open the shop there was a line of East Indians
waiting to get a hair cut.

A sixteen year old virgin

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A sixteen year old virgin girl goes to confession.

“Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday”

“Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??” the priest asked.

“Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission”

“Do you mean like this??” He touches he arm.

“Yes father.”

“That’s no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch”

“But father he also touched my breasts”

“You mean like this??” He touches her breasts.

“Yes father.”

“That’s no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch.”

“But father, he took off my clothes.”

“Like this??” He takes off her clothes.

“Yes father”.

“That’s no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch.”

“But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where.”

“Like this??” He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.

“Yes father,” she says sometime later.

“But that’s no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch.”

“But father, he has AIDS”

“THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!”

The Confession

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A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his homosexuality from his parents, goes over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. Sitting down at the kitchen table, he lets out a big sigh and says, “Mom, I have something to tell you: I’m gay.”

His mother made no reply, and the guy was about to repeat it, when she turned to him and said calmly, “You’re gay? Doesn’t that mean you put other men’s penises in your mouth?”

Nervously, the guy said, “Uh, yeah, Mom, well I guess so.”

His mother went back to stirring the pot. Suddenly, she whirled around and whacked him over the head with her spoon, saying, “Don’t you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!