One day a blonde lady went to a local Florida Department Store to buy a pair of alligator shoes. As she was looking at a very nice pair of shoes she noticed the very expensive price. She didn’t have enough to pay for the shoes, and she was outraged. She marched right up to the counter and told the clerk exactly what she thought of him.She left very angrily, but on her way out she made a comment to the clerk and in that comment she said,”With prices like these I should just go out buy me a gun and kill my own alligators.” the clerk replied very sarcastically,”Good Luck!”The clerk went on with his day not even thinking about the lady that came in early. As he was locking up to go home at the end of the day something caught his eye. There in the swamp was the lady waist deep with a gun in her hand. At that moment something else caught his eye, off to the left about 25 yards away was an alligator swimming right towards her.The man started jumping up and down screaming at her trying to get her attention. She turned seen the alligator took aim and shot.She drug it to shore where there was about eight other alligators laying dead on their backs.Then she flipped it over too and said,”damn this one is not wearing shoes either.”
Author: admin
Ants
If there are some ants lost in the forest who do you call to find them ? The minister of finance
The more ridiculous a belief
The more ridiculous a belief system, the higher probability of its success.
“Mi vida, ahorita vengo…”
“Mi vida, ahorita vengo…”
“�A d�nde vas, cari�o?” (expresi�n de reci�n casados)
“Al bar, mi cielito, a tomarme una cervecita.”
La mujer se lleva la mano a la cintura y le dice:
“�Quiere cervecita, mi amorcito?”
Y en eso abre la puerta de refrigerador y le ense�a 25 marcas de cerveza de 12 pa�ses diferentes: mexicanas, alemanas, holandesas, japonesas, etc.
El marido no sabe que decir, y se le ocurre decirle:
“Ay mi pichurri, pero en el bar… tu sabes… el tarro helado…”
No terminaba de decirlo, cuando la esposa interrumpe, diciendole:
“�Quiere tarro congelado mi amorcito?”
Saca del congelador un tarro helado, congelado, tan blanco que hasta temblaba de fr�o…
El marido apenado, dice:
“Si chiquita m�a, pero en el bar sirven unas botanas riqu�simas… vuelvo enseguida…”
“�Quiere botanitas mi amorcito?”
Abre el horno y el frigor�fico y saca quince platos diferentes de botanas: aceitunas, totopos, cacahuates, papas fritas, palomitas, quesos, caviar, carnes fr�as, etc.
“Pero caramelito, en el bar… tu sabes… las maldiciones, las palabrotas y todo aquello…”
“�Quiere palabrotas mi amorcito?, entonces: �TE TOMAS LA PUTA CERVEZA EN EL PINCHE TARRO HELADO Y TE COMES LAS CABRONAS PAPAS Y LOS PUTOS CACAHUATES, PERO DE AQUI NO SALES HIJO DE LA CHINGADA!”
Deathbed Loans
As he lay on his deathbed George weakly said, “Sara, I want you to know before I die that we have some unpaid loans: my tailor owes me $200, and our butcher owes me $50, and Klein next door owes me $300.”His wife turned to the children and said, “What a wonderful man your father is. Even when he’s dying he cares about and takes care of his family’s needs.”The old man continued, “And, Sara, I want you to also know that I owe the landlord a hundred dollars.”To which his wife cried, “Oh dear, now he’s getting delirious!”
Getting Old
Dear Maevis,
I have become a little older since I saw you last and a few changes have come into my life since then. I have become quite a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day.
Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along and when he is here, he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn’t like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day I’m really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life!
The preacher came to call the other day. He said that at my age, I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him I do all the time. No matter where I am, in the den, in the bedroom, in the kitchen or in the garage, I ask myself, “What am I here after?”
Well, I guess growing old is not so bad since old folks are worth a fortune with silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomachs!
Your good ole friend, Ethel
3 old ladies
3 old ladies sat on a bench, a streaker runs by, 2 have a stroke, one couldnt reach
College professor
Tony, a college professor and a wealthy investor walked into a bank and said
to the bank manager, “I would like to speak with Mr.Reginald Jones, who I
understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours.”
The banker said, “Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon
as we catch him.”
Detailed Deductions
The following guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks and related deductions. What could be more fitting in this “tax time” time of year, when we tend to focus on such matters most?
Example:
Gross pay = $1,222.02
Income tax = $244.40
Outcome tax = $45.21
State tax = $11.61
Interstate tax = $61.10
County tax = $6.11
City tax = $12.22
Rural tax = $4.44
Back tax = $1.11
Front tax = $1.16
Side tax = $1.61
Up tax = $2.22
Tic-tacs = $1.98
Thumbtacks = $3.93
Carpet tacks = $0.98
Stadium tax = $0.69
Flat tax = $8.32
Surtax = $3.46
Corporate tax = $2.60
Parking fee = $5.00
FICA = $81.88
TGIF fund = $9.95
Life insurance = $5.85
Health insurance = $16.23
Dental insurance = $4.50
Mental insurance = $4.33
Reassurance = $0.11
Disability = $2.50
Ability = $0.25
Liability = $3.41
Unreliability = $10.99
Coffee = $6.85
Coffee cups = $66.51
Floor rental = $6.85
Chair rental = $0.32
Desk rental = $4.32
Union dues = $5.85
Union don’ts = $3.77
Cash advance = $0.69
Cash retreats = $121.35
Overtime = $1.26
Undertime = $54.83
Eastern time = $9.00
Central time = $8.00
Mountain time = $7.00
Pacific time = $6.00
Oxygen = $10.02
Water = $16.54
Heat = $51.42
Cool air = $26.83
Hot air = $20.00
Miscellaneous = $113.29
Various = $8.01
__________________________
Net Pay = $0.12
Thank you for your loyalty to our company.
We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should go to Helen Waite. Have a nice week.
The Boss
Had a cousin once who
Had a cousin once who was the town drunk. Not that unusual really, unless
you considered the fact that he lived in New York.
Jesus, Are You There?
A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the
river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the
Minister. The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, are you
ready to find Jesus?”
The drunk looks back and says, “Yes sir, I am.”
The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back
up.
“Have you found Jesus?” the Minister asked.
“No, I didn’t!” said the drunk.
The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and
says, “Now brother, have you found Jesus?”
“No, I did not!” said the drunk again.
Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time,
brings him up and demands, “For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!”
The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, “Are you sure this is where he fell
in?”
Ohh God!
What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm.