Q: How many rednecks does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: One, it only takes one person to use a hammer.
Author: admin
Greek tailor.
An Ancient Greek man walks into a tailor and holds up a torn tunic.
TAYLOR: “Euripides?” (You-rip-e-dees) MAN: “Eumenedes??”
(You-men-e-dees)
(Say it quickly, it works!)
The Priest
After a long life, dutifully serving his parishioners, the elderly priest
died. He found himself in Heaven, where he was warmly greeted by St. Peter.
“Welcome,” St. Peter said, “You have lived a good life. Let me take you to your
quarters, and then I’ll show you around Heaven.”
St. Peter took the man to a rather plain building, and escorted him to a small
room. The room was humbly furnished, but was functional. The priest was a bit
surprised, having expected Heaven to be a bit more extravagent, but he was happy
to be there.
They then began their tour of Heaven, and it was absolutely beautiful. The
priest felt silly for his initial resentment over his room.
Finally, they came upon an enormous mansion. A butler opened the door to the
mansion and a man came out, dressed to the nines, and proceeded down a long
walkway to the front gate, as servants rolled a red carpet before him. When he
reached the gate, a chauffeured limousine pulled up, and the man got in. It
drove off.
“Was that God,” the priest asked, stunned by the display.
“Oh heavens no,” replied St. Peter. “That was a lawyer.”
“I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but can you answer a question for me?” The
priest continued, “I spent my entire life devoted to my parishioners, and
teaching the gospel, and I have very humble quarters in Heaven. I just don’t
understand what that lawyer did, which would merit such a beautiful mansion.”
“It isn’t what he did,” St. Peter replied. “You see, we have thousands upon
thousands of priests up here. But he’s our first lawyer.”
Costume Party
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain. As it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him. As a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had sex. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and she asked how the party was. He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”
Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”
He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I’ll tell you… the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a really good time!”
The little boy
my joke is what does a little boy say to a girl when he wants to kiss her says you look hot may i kiss you but i dont want to kiss you .
Knock KnockWho’s there?Bean!Bean who?Bean fishing
Knock KnockWho’s there?Bean!Bean who?Bean fishing lately?
Blonde Firing Offence
Q. Why did the blonde get fired from the sperm bank?A. Drinking on the job
This is the way
one day i was walking and there were 3 children and they were siging is this the way you do it and one said this is the way i like u get it
Jury Candidate
A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: “An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse’s mate is found in a ‘compromising position.'”
“See, I have a problem with that passion business,” responded one jury candidate. “During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him!”
Needless to say, she wasn’t selected for the jury.
Owls?
Knock-Knock.
Who’s there?
HOOOOO.
HOOOOO who?
Is there an owl in here?
Nice Peanuts
A guy walks into a bar and hears this voice say, ‘Hey, you’re a pretty good-looking guy.’ Upon, further investigation, he realizes that the voice is coming from a bowl of nuts. So he asks the barman, ‘What’s this?’ The bartender replies, ‘They’re complimentary peanuts.’
Balloon
A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he’s lost. He spots a man down
below, lowers the balloon and shouts Excuse me, can you tell me where I am? The
man below says, yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this
field. Must work in Information Technology, says the balloonist. Do reply the
man. How did you know? Well, everything you have told me is technically correct,
but it’s of no use to anyone. The man below replies, you must work in
management. I do, how’d you know? Well says the man, you don’t know where you
are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the
same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.