- 404
- Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web message “404, URL Not
Found,” meaning that the document you’ve tried to access can’t be located.
“Don’t bother asking him…he’s 404, man.”
Author: admin
Beautiful Grammar Lesson
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word “beautiful” in the same sentence twice.First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, “My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.”Very good, Suzie,” replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. “My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully,” he said. Excellent, Michael!” Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. “Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, “Oh that’s beautiful, just beautiful!”
13 simple rules
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages of any kind.
2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are “I apologize” and “You are right”.
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It’s easier to eat crow while it’s still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was:� “Go! You might meet somebody!”
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her, believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, ‘Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?’
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it’s not that important.
13. And finally; Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
The New Newlywed Game
This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out into town
and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife,
“Honey, I’ll be right back…”
“Where are you going Coochy Cooh…?” asked the wife.
“I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face. I’m going to have a beer.”
The wife says to him, “You want a beer my love?” Then she opens
the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of
beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland,
Japan, India, etc.
The husband doesn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he
can think of saying is, “Yes, Honey Pie…but the bar you
know…the frozen glass…”
He didn’t get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts
him by saying, “You want a frozen glass Puppy Face?” She takes a
mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills
holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, says, “Yes, Tootsie Roll, but
at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really
delicious… I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise.
OK?”
“You want hors d’oeuvres Pookie Pooh?” She opens the oven and
takes out 15 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings,
pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
“But Sweetie, Honey…at the bar…you know…the swearing, the
dirty words and all that.”
“You want dirty words Cutie Pie? HERE, DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER
IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKING MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE
YOU AREN’T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT ASSHOLE?!!”
Black Jokes…
How do you stop a 3 black men from raping a white woman? Throw them a basketball!
What do you call a black priest? Holy Shit!
What do you call a black woman taking birth control pills? A Humanitarian.
In Medford, Oregon,
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. “There are too many business grads out there,” he said. “If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened.”
Hair Tonic
There was a Barber Shop on a military reservation, and a Colonel and a Sergeant are both getting haircuts. The Colonel’s barber is about done with him, and asks him if he wishes hair tonic.The Colonel says, “Hell no, if I get that stuff on my hair, my wife will think I’ve been in a whorehouse!”. Right after that, the Sergeant’s barber asks him the same question.The Sergeant replies, “Go ahead and put some on, my wife doesn’t know what a whorehouse smells like!”.
3 Guys On an Island
There were 3 guys on this island. They find a magic lamp and rub it. The Genie Comes out and says I’ll grant you each one wish, so the first guy says I want to go home to my wife and my kids. So he goes back home. The second guy says well I also would like to go home to my wife and kids. So he goes back home. The third guy says well I’m not really sure. 20 minutes later he comes back and says I know what I want! I want my 2 friends back!
Highly religious horse
There’s this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, “Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?” The missionary says, “Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say ‘Thank God’ to make it go and ‘Amen’ to make it stop.” Not paying much attetion, the man says, “Sure, ok.” So he gets on the horse and says, “Thank God” and the horse starts walking. Then he says, “Thank God, thank God,” and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, “Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God” and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he’s doing everything he can to make the horse stop. “Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!” Finally he remembers, “Amen!!” The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says, “Thank God.”
A blonde walks into a bar..
What does a blonde do when she walks into a bar?
She falls down.
English man, Scottish man and a Paky man
There was an English man a Scottish man and a Paky man. They
were all in a plane that was about too crash into Mount
Everist.The pilot told them to throw out anything they didnt
need.
So the Scottish man threw out his Kilts and said “I dont
need them iv got plenty in my country”.
The Paky man threw out
his fags and said “I dont need them iv got plenty in my
country”.
The English man threw out the Paky and said “I dont
need him iv got plenty in my country”.
Cowboy in bar
This big rough lookin cowboy walks into the bar. He orders up bottle after bottle of rottgutt liquor and proceeds to get really wasted…In the process he manages to anger just about everyone in the bar by being offensive and rude and being a big obnoxious fool… Finally he finishes up his 5th bottle and decides he’s had just about enough. He proceeds to get up and swagger out of the bar. He gets outside to untie his horse from the post and he notices someone has painted his horses balls a real bright shade of yellow. This pisses him off immensely so he proceeds to blow back into the bar, slamming the doors open and yelling out at the top of his lungs. “JUST WHO IN THE SAM-HELL PAINTED MY HORSES BALLS YELLOW!!!!” After everyone in the bar rustles around a bit, a guy in the back of the bar stands up. This guy is HUGE, at least 6’10” tall, pure muscle… He says to the cowboy, “I did, so what do you got to say about it, boy!!!” The cowboy looks back at this guy and says “Oh, I was going to let you know the first coat of paint is dry.”