This lovely little girl was entering class for the first time. A friendly little boy said his name was “David, what is yours?” “Happy Butt” she says. “Don’t lie to me, that isn’t your name! What is your name?” “Happy Butt” she says again. I’m going to tell the teacher on you for lying!” he shouts. He gets the teacher and says she is lying to him about her name. “What is your name?” asks the teacher. “Happy Butt” says the little girl. “No, no,” says the teacher. “What is your real name?” “Happy Butt” replies the little girl. “Shame on you for lying.” says the teacher. “You go straight to the principal’s office right this minute!” “Why are you here?” asks the principal of the little girl. “They think I’m lying when I tell them my name is Happy Butt.” said the little girl. “Your name can’t be Happy Butt” says the principal. “I’m going to call your mother right this minute and straighten this out. You must not lie to us about your name.” The principal calls the mother and says , “We have your little girl here and she keeps telling us her name is “Happy Butt.” “Oh, that must be Gladys.” says the mother. “Well, little girl, your mother says your name is Gladys,” says the principal. The little girl replies, “Happy Butt, Glad ass, what’s the difference.
Author: admin
Overheard In Airplane
The huge Air Canada Jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom. “This is Capt. Johnson, we’re on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Toronto”.
Well the Capt. forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit.
The co-pilot says to the pilot “Well skipper, wotcha gonna do in Toronto?”
Now all ears in the plan are listening in to this conversation.
“Well”, says the skipper, “First I’m gonna check into the hotel and go for a mega-huge dump. Then I’m gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I’m gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and slip the old salami to her all night”.
Well, everyone in the planes trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She’s so embarrassed she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to get the intercom off. Half way down, she trips over an old ladies handbag – ***splat *** and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says, “No need to run dearie, he’s got to go for a shit first!”
Held ransom
A girl had invented a device to cause any car that passed in front of her house to suddenly break down but couldn’t find any practical way to profit from it.
So, thinking clearly, she set up the device, and as the cars passed the house and broke down, she’d offer the man in the car a place to stay for the night. Then as soon as the man was asleep, he’d be jarred awake by her with his penis in her mouth, and she’d hold a sign up saying “$50 or I’ll bite hard!”. Of course usually the guy would pay and she’d let him go.
Well one day a Newfoundlander broke down, and had to stay the night. Sure enough, he felt something between his legs at night, and there she is with him in her mouth and holding the sign “$50 or I’ll bite.”
The Newfoundlander just smiled and said “$100 or I’ll piss!”
Difference
Whats the differece between you and a monster?
Nothing
Lawyer quickies 5
Q: What do you call an honest lawyer?A: An impossibility. Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with another lawyer? A: Nothing. There are some things that not even nature can permit. Q: Why didn’t the circus clown feel so bad about his career? A: At least he wasn’t a lawyer. Q: What is the difference between pigs and lawyers?A: You can learn to respect a pig. Q: What is the difference between baseball and law? A: In baseball, if you’re caught stealing, you’re out. Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren’t met. Q: Why didn’t the doctor (any other profession) pay the rent on his outhouse? A: He didn’t like the lawyer living downstairs. Q: Who do lawyers never take their cats to the beach? A: Their cats keep trying to bury them with sand. Q: What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common? A: Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being. Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? A: From chasing parked ambulances.
A transistor protected by a
A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
The Top 16 Lines You’ll Never Hear in a Western (Part II)
16> “I reckon I’ll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!”
15> “Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let’s draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution.”
14> “Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys’ room.”
13> “Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!”
12> “Y’know, Badlands Pete… a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice prairie breeze, just you ‘n’ me… what say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?”
11> “Guns? We don’t need no stinking guns!”
10> “I’m tellin’ ya, I ain’t shot no varmints since them PETA fellers set me straight.”
9> “Let’s see… hardtack and pemmican… that’s three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches.”
8> “Who let the dogies out?”
7> “You ‘n’ Slim round up them strays, and I’ll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue.”
6> “That’s him! That’s the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!”
5> “He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration.”
4> “Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my ass look big?”
3> “Dammit, Jake, yer an enabler!”
2> “It’s like I keep tellin’ ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge.”
1> “HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! …Okay, now a little to the left… Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]A businessman enters a tavern
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double
martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt
pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he
finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the
bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, “Look, buddy,
I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long – but you gotta tell me why you look
inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.” The customer replies, “I’m
peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to
go home.”
Learn Driving
Although up in years, Pete’s mother-in-law was determined to learn how to
drive. On her very first time behind the wheel, she moaned, “Pete, I don’t know
what to do!”
Pete hesitated, and then softly said, “Just imagine I’m doing the driving�.
Llega el peque�o a la
Llega el peque�o a la casa muy contento y le dice a la madre:
“Mam�, en la escuela me dejaron una tarea: debo averiguar qu� es diptongo y triptongo”.
“De diptongo no s�, hijo, pero de triptongo te doy un ejemplo, vos te acord�s cuando se muri� la t�a Eduviges y que nosotros estuvimos un poco triptongos…”
Woops
Conversation over dinner:
WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
MAN: Definately not!
WOMAN: Why not, don’t you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
MAN: Ok, I’d get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (Makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can’t use them, she’s left handed.
WOMAN: —silence—
MAN: Ooops!!
Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Curtis
A Duck
A Duck Walks into a bar and asks the bar tender “Do you have any
grapes”?
The bar tender says “No come back tommorow.”
The next day the duck goes into the bar and asks the maneger,
“Do you have and grapes?
The maneger says “No” “And if you come back again i’m goin to
staple your feet to the floor!!”,
Next day he goes back and says
“You got any staples”?
The bar tender says
“No.”
So he says
“Got any grapes?”